December 23

”Each day is a loan, spend it wisely.” Anonymous

Time is a precious gift, and something I squandered too easily in the past. It is still something I struggle with, having too much time and trying to make good use of it. Having time on my hands doesn’t mean that I always have to have it planned out; spending free time relaxing, meditation or reflecting is healthy. But there are many ways I can simply waste it. I’ve come to realize that lure of my addiction was the lure to escape. And the result of all that running away is that I kept hiding from myself. This is most apparent in those times when I am alone and when I feel uncomfortable, like having an itch I can’t find to scratch. It’s at those times I wish I was anywhere else, or doing anything else, than being stuck with only myself. These are the times when I need to slow myself down, to reassure myself that I am safe all by my lonesome. I have to remember the simple things, like breathing. Or like focusing on the thoughts that are preoccupying my attention, recognizing they are there, and letting them go. I need to remain grounded and focused on the present to make the best use of my time.

Affirmation Time is a gift, one that I am learning to value. Time with myself is something to treasure, and a healthy part of my sobriety.

October 22

”Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” Zig Ziglar

One of my personal triggers is travel. Being away from the familiar increases my stress because I feel less secure, more uncomfortable, and do not relish being alone. It is that fear of being along that comes out the strongest. I think that is from years of my acting out where all that activity kept me from spending quiet moments with myself where I could hear my internal thoughts which would have led to me seeing the conflict my actions were creating. I had to keep busy, keep making noise, so that those thoughts of wrongness would not escape the chaos and register in my head. Life is indeed a journey. I cannot go back to those earlier years and take the time to slow down and listen to the turmoil I was creating and choose to instead listen. I can choose, however, to listen to those thoughts and feelings now, to recognize the moments of discomfort when life feels incongruous. These are times where I need to pay closer attention and check if my thoughts, words and actions are aligned.

Affirmation In denying parts of myself, in avoiding listening fully to how I feel, I cut out important parts of my being. I will find time today to sit quietly and pay attention to my inner monologue.

November 19 (75)

”Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” Haruki Murakami

As a parent, I’ve often found myself in the role of trying to be in charge of difficult situations, to make sure everyone and everything else was taken care of. Which usually meant in the process that I had no time to be emotionally involved, but had to stay focused, practical and logical. All too often this would mean I could never properly digest my own emotions, and during my active periods of addition I had more fuel to pursue middle and inner circle behaviours. I get hurt. I am allowed to hurt. I can be feeling hurt and still be okay. Hard lessons for me to learn and to accept these are, and actually far from my normal behaviours. Yet I need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Life is a series of ups and downs, and I will be better off if I can maintain my balance as I ride along amidst all the turmoil that comes my way. Just as I will hurt, so will others, whether by things I have done or because of things over which I have no control. It’s not my place to remove their hurt, but to give them the time and space they need, and to lend support as best I can. As the program promises, this too shall pass.

Affirmation Being comfortable in discomfort is a reminder that I am human and a testament to be connected to my emotions.

July 30

”Deep down, real comforts are more important than temporary comfort.” Joni EarecksonTade

I am learning the true meaning of discomfort in my recovery. I have become aware of how my addiction relished any degree of discomfort and was able to turn it into fuel that fed my fantasies and desire to act out. It still takes me by surprise how the small disappointments, the times when things don’t go my way, how these moments can so easily disrupt my serenity and start me on the spiral of darker thinking. Real comfort and real happiness are not something I can buy, that I can find browsing on the internet, between the covers of a magazine or on a channel on TV. These are the things that need to come from within. Connecting once again to my feelings and finding the power of surrendering to my Higher Power are paths to being truly happy. Living a life that is based on honesty, faithfulness and integrity gives me peace and serenity. Knowing that I no longer maintain a secret life, that I have found a place to share my dark thoughts, my pain, guilt and shame, has given me a new sense of freedom and belonging. These are all purer things that I feel will endure. I desire less and less the temporary measure to make me feel alive and have instead begun to live and enjoy each and every moment.

Affirmation I can find a deeper, truer happiness that comes from within me. There is nothing or no one external that can give this to me.

May 5

”Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” Helen Keller

One of the messages that has stayed with me since treatment is that I should be happy to be in discomfort. Being in that state means I am in a state of change or ready for it. The routine is stable, comfortable and safe. Change is the opposite, we are uncertain, apprehensive, reluctant, but its only through change that we truly grow. My character needs to go through a transformation if I am truly to make the journey out of my active addiction to a different and sane life. Giving up my old ways is a very real way of losing a part of myself that has sustained me, provided for me, and helped me cope for years. I need to let that part of me die, having served its purpose, to make room for other ways to meet the challenges of daily life. I am aware that I will need to grieve this loss of self. Change can come gradually or in a quick burst. But change is all around me and I can learn to embrace it. My goal is to continue to welcome newness into my life.

Affirmation I will be aware of what makes me uncomfortable today and explore the opportunity to change and grow that comes with those feelings.

March 26

”You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward.” Conrad Hall

I was told once that in order to change, I must be in a position of discomfort. And not simply physical discomfort, but a deeper sense of difficulty that comes from my emotional centre. It’s when we are in this place that we are open to change. Humans by their nature are creatures of habit, good or bad as that habit may be in helping them live their life. Change is all around us, yet it makes most of us uncomfortable. It challenges what we know, who we are and how we feel. Our recovery process is all about change. It’s some of the most challenging and frightening change we’re likely ever to face as we are dealing with the core of our being, our emotional and spiritual centres. We need to write, talk, share, pray and forgive to let go of the shame and guilt we’re carrying. The process may be that simple but it is not easy, emotionally or spiritually, mainly because these are the parts of ourselves that we have ignored. But every crack we make in the walls around our feelings that we’ve carried with us all these years.

Affirmation I am open and teachable; ready to face my feelings and work to release them to allow me to move forward in my recovery.