January 2

”Decide on what you think is right, and stick to it.” George Eliot

That little voice in the back of my head, my conscience, has become louder as I have kept up longer and longer periods of sobriety. My growing awareness of my thoughts, words and actions make it that much harder for me to live in blind ignorance, especially when to comes to anything that pertains to my addiction and recovery. I can no longer innocently claim that I don’t know any better as it is simply not true. One of the cornerstones of my recovery is my rigorous honesty, both with me and with others. This means that just answering questions truthfully when asked is not enough, but that I have to willingly disclose information that I am not questioned about. It means checking in with my sponsor or someone else in the program on a regular basis, on good days and bad days alike. My gut instinct has regained its place as a source to be trusted. No longer is my life dominated by my sexually compulsive behaviours, but by my recovery. The scales have tipped back in favour of my Higher Power and so I must remain vigilant and honest about keeping my choices in line with that balance. I do know better and as a result I am doubly accountable for my actions.

Affirmation I resolve to stay committed to my recovery today and to knowingly make choices to support that decision rather than settling for my old, poor behaviours.

May 24

”Conscience is the root of all courage; if a man would be brave let him obey his conscience.” James Freeman Clarke

In my active addiction I affectively blocked out that small inner voice of my conscience. What? Who are you? Go away! As I progress in my recovery, I have become increasingly aware that the voice is returning.  I am listening to it on a more regular basis and even following its advice. My Higher Power exists in all people; therefore there must be a presence that emanates from within me. I call at least part of the power greater than myself my conscience. Just as I need to be open to my Higher Power working through others, I have to pay attention to my own internal dialogue and “gut instinct.” I am gaining the ability to pause when something within me just doesn’t feel right and re-evaluate the situation. Courage to continue doing the right thing, to keep turning away from my middle and inner circle behaviours is something that I need to pray for regularly. Listening for the guiding voice, taking the time to meditate and reflect to listen for the answers to my prayers is useful in maintaining my openness to the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I will acknowledge my inner voice today and consider how I feel before taking actions.

February 18

”Nothing is more wretched than a guilty conscience.” Plautus

Many of us did not experience guilt or shame during the periods of our lives where we actively acted out. It is often not until we have gained some sobriety that we can look back and experience the negative emotions that accompany our behaviour, not only for the harm we have caused ourselves, but those around us as well. There are others of us who have experienced guilt and shame throughout our addiction and the best way we knew to deal with it was to avoid it by turning back to our false higher power, our addiction. This led us to a vicious cycle of acting out, feeling guilt and shame, evading things and feelings by acting out, and so on. Our guilt and shame, once recognized for what they are, do eat away inside us. In the SAA program, we learn that sharing our past, sharing our experience and our sexual patterns, has the power to free us from the guilt and shame that we carry within ourselves. Lifting this burden from our shoulders gives us new life, hope and strength to put towards our recovery.

Affirmation Today I will not succumb to my guilt and shame. I can share it with my Higher Power, sponsor or group and let it go.

February 11

”I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience.” William Shakespeare

There is a lost power inside ourselves that we can rediscover in silence. We can find our calm centre through meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, walks in nature or in prayer with our Higher Power. Connecting to our inner serenity, finding our place of tranquility and reflection, allows us to truly hear ourselves and digest our thoughts and feelings without distraction. It is important for us to take time on a regular basis to slow down and remove ourselves from our hectic lives. Focusing on ourselves in a peaceful space allows us the opportunity to heal and increase our self-awareness. The more we take the time to get in touch with our inner self, the better we are able to function in normal day-to-day life. We can move into action rather than reaction when confronted with stressful situations. Being in touch with ourselves allows us once again to hear the voice of our conscience, which in time helps us make better, more responsible choices. We can learn to appreciate the great force that comes to us from silence.

Affirmation I will find myself in silence and not be afraid; there is power in the void of thought and action.