February 9

”Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes.” Oscar Wilde

I have to be responsible for my own happiness. Expectations of others to make me happy, to fulfill my wants and desires, to comfort and console – all these divert control of my life to someone else and are doomed to fail. This is selfishness on my part, wanting others to act, usually only on my whims and unspoken wishes, to make my life easier. I need to make sure I am working my program each and every day. I need to take care of my own needs through prayer and meditation and working my steps. I have to work at being present for my family, friends and brothers and sisters in the program. I need to take time to reflect, to ask for forgiveness for the wrongs I have committed to myself and others, as well as giving thanks for the wonders of the day. There are also the mundane tasks of taking care of my surroundings – eating well, exercising, and getting a good night’s rest. It’s the whole package, mind, body and spirit. At the end of the day, it’s remembering to live according the will of my Higher Power. If I am being responsible for my own well-being, I am better positioned to be of service to others. That’s the goal of my selfishness, to be ready to be there for others to my fullest capacity.

Affirmation I am responsible for my own happiness and for taking care of my needs. This helps me to be there to serve others and follow the will of the God of my understanding.

May 31

”No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.” Alan Watts

My addict cares very little about anything unless it directly supports my addiction. If something I think, do or say is not directly involved with me acting out, or supporting me getting to that point, then it is of little consequence. Therefore all those non-addictive acts are at the same time hollow. Keeping up the front at work, with family and friends when all I really wanted to do was to get away and have some special “me” time was meaningless as I could not and did not want to put any of my heart, soul or passion into those things. My addict has always sapped my strength, energy and other positive parts of me to satisfy its own needs. My addiction did not want change; it wanted more of the same. It was like living in the trance of the lotus from the tale of Odysseus, stuck in a place where everything was bliss while the world went on around me. But I was completely unaware of all damage that was being caused to me in the process, let alone how I was hurting those around me. Life today is completely different. I have once again taken an active role in society and I am conscious of my impact on the lives of those around me. I have energy to put into things and to give more wholly of myself into everything I do. My life is no longer a hollow shell as it once was.

Affirmation As my life comes into balance and I am genuine with myself and others, I will play my part with more integrity.