May 31

”No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.” Alan Watts

My addict cares very little about anything unless it directly supports my addiction. If something I think, do or say is not directly involved with me acting out, or supporting me getting to that point, then it is of little consequence. Therefore all those non-addictive acts are at the same time hollow. Keeping up the front at work, with family and friends when all I really wanted to do was to get away and have some special “me” time was meaningless as I could not and did not want to put any of my heart, soul or passion into those things. My addict has always sapped my strength, energy and other positive parts of me to satisfy its own needs. My addiction did not want change; it wanted more of the same. It was like living in the trance of the lotus from the tale of Odysseus, stuck in a place where everything was bliss while the world went on around me. But I was completely unaware of all damage that was being caused to me in the process, let alone how I was hurting those around me. Life today is completely different. I have once again taken an active role in society and I am conscious of my impact on the lives of those around me. I have energy to put into things and to give more wholly of myself into everything I do. My life is no longer a hollow shell as it once was.

Affirmation As my life comes into balance and I am genuine with myself and others, I will play my part with more integrity.