April 7

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” Joseph Addison

It still amazes me how the simple things in life can bring so much meaning. Waking up with the sun shining brightly and the birds singing, smelling the air of a fresh, spring breeze, hearing the wind gentle rustle the leaves in the trees - these things bring me joy and happiness. This is a gift that awaits me each and every day. It was not that long ago that I was in a place where I could not recognize anything like that, where I was focused solely on the empty promises of my addiction. There were so many things I overlooked, or could not see or even believe were there for me to enjoy because of the narrow focus of my reality. How grateful I am that the horizons of my world have once again opened so that I can experience the vastness of the glories of the earth and all its splendours. There is so much beauty and wonder to see, hear, touch, taste and feel, so much more than I could have ever believed possible. This is one of the greatest blessings of my recovery, my second chance to exist in the marvels of this life.

Affirmation

Nature is a powerful healing force and I will seek out opportunities to immerse myself today.

April 3

"Worship changes the worshiper into the image of the One worshiped.” Jack W. Hayford

I am sure the author of the quote didn't intend for this, but I see a clear double meaning behind the quote. I know it's meant to refer to what happens when one appropriately worships God or a Higher Power that is loving, kind and forgiving. But as a recovering addict, I see the counterpoint that worshiping my addiction had a similar effect. Giving my attention to that false idol took me down roads to become more and more like it, assuming the false beliefs and deviant compulsive and obsessive behaviours like a familiar set of clothes. Yet there is hope in this message. The steps are a path to lead me back towards a healthy and strong relationship with a better idol, a true Higher Power that promises to restore me to sanity. In giving myself over to His Will, my image in turn becomes more like what I am putting my faith in. I become a vessel of love, compassion, and forgiveness. Recovery is restoring my right to choose, the power to decide which god or God that I will worship. My growing awareness of who I am, my faults and my strengths, is leading me towards the path of life I believe I was meant to have. And certainly the restoral of sanity and serenity that I have already experienced makes my Higher Power worthy of my praise and worship.

Affirmation

I will give thanks for my recovery today, for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me, for a Higher Power who cares and loves me in spite of my past.

March 28

"I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.” Alyson Noel

Some days are easier than others. There are days where it's easy to focus on the present moment and all the gifts that have been offered to me. And there are others, like today, the evoke a strong sense of loss for something that is missing in my life, or something that was not meant to be. That hole can be quite gaping indeed.      I used to want to run away and hide on days like this, like a turtle withdrawn into the protection of its shell. Simply to await the passing of hours into the next day so that all the bad thoughts and feelings might fade with the closing of the day. I have changed my approach, most times I surge into these moments of grief and loss to confront the feelings that I find. It's time for me to reflect, to write, and even to cry. But that's alright, this is normal. I am allowed to feel sadness, hurt, and loss. It's just part of being human.      What has made the difference? Mostly the fact that I know that I am not alone. I know in these times to reach out for support even more than I may normally need. I know to be gentle, and to give myself the time and space needed to process my emotions. Grief is no longer a tidal wave to crash into me and take me off solid ground. Yes the waves are still coming, but it's okay to get wet. True grief is only I sign that I have truly loved. And that is a blessing I shall always cherish.

Affirmation

Grief and sorrow are but a season, but one that I can face with the support of friends and family.

December 24

”It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” John Steinbeck

As I spend my first holiday season without my family I certainly can feel the loss of what I destroyed, magnified by this new separation. The potential of what could have been weighs heavy on my thoughts and on my heart. Yet I need to look honestly at where I am today. Even though I may not be with those I love, most especially my children, I know I am with them in spirit as they guard their place in my heart. In truth, my life is much better than it was, and I have the greatest gift I could ever imagine, which is being sexually sober. My sobriety never promised to fix all my problems and to make things right. It is a gift of hope for a better today and the opportunity to continue improving my situation tomorrow. So as I go through these hours and days in a bit of a melancholic funk, I can reflect upon the loss of the past, yet equally rejoice in all that I have gained and all that I still have to be grateful for. There are certainly more blessings in my life than curses and I need not look very far to discover how much better life has become. There are dark places in my life where the lights have been turned off. Yet there are multitudes of other lights that still shine and I know there are others that have yet to be turned on.

Affirmation Being present, being a gift to myself today by being in recovery, this is the best thing that I can hope to receive.

June 10

”Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” Albert Einstein

Some say you should count your blessings. For myself, I think recognizing them and giving thanks is terrific, but I don’t feel the need to count them. The same holds true to a degree for my progress in recovery. I am not obsessed with keeping track of how many days of sobriety I have accumulated, what milestones I have reached, or on the other side, how many times I have slipped. What is most important is for me to be in recovery today. That is all that is within my power and it is certainly enough for me to focus on. Life in recovery has been about rediscovering all the small things that I have neglected in my periods of acting out. Being present to hear how someone’s day went, to lend a helping hand around the house, to spend time with a friend are good things that occupy my time. It is the multitude of outer circle behaviours that I need to use to start filling the hole left by my addiction. Still, my biggest aid is my returning spiritual belief in my Higher Power. My restored faith helps to deal with the void I have experienced and I believe it is the only power with the ability to restore my sanity.

Affirmation I will practice my outer circle behaviours today and be grateful for all the small wonders and kindnesses I experience.