February 4

”The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Steps 8 and 9 for me are the ones where “I put my money where my mouth is.” Up to this point, the steps have been focused on learning about and coming to accept who I truly am, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In making my list of those who I have harmed, becoming willing to make amends, and making those amends wherever possible, my recover moves beyond being a personal thing. These are the steps of taking responsibility for my past actions and behaviours with those around me. My list was a long one. It was a daunting process just to note all those who I had hurt along the way as I lived my dual life. It was even more frightening to think that I would have to confront all those people to seek amends for the way I had treated them. Anyone who has been through this process can surely attest that it is not something for the weak of heart. It took a great deal of courage to admit that I had a problem to myself…admitting that to someone else in my fifth step was a bit harder, doing this to people who were very close to me that I had hurt – I thought would be impossible. I am grateful for the wording of Step Nine, especially the phrases “wherever possible” and “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Just because I become ready to make amends, doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is ready to receive them. In truth, I have found the best amends for many of those on my list has been to simple continue working my program, and ensuring I don’t repeat my damaging behaviours. That is a gift for everyone involved, including myself.

Affirmation

Forgiveness takes courage, but amends lead to freedom from my guilt and shame of the past.

April 29

”Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.” Margaret Lee Runbeck

That simple phrase “I’m sorry” took a while to have meaning again. For too long, I had been like the boy who cried wolf, and apologizing had little meaning because it was a hollow act, only meant to appease people for the short term to allow me to get back to the comfort of my addiction. It fell short of being something genuine and sincere, because it was not. Apology for me now has to also be coupled with amends. The dictionary defines amends as a form of compensation or reparation for a loss or damage of some kind. So like many instances in my recovery process, proof of change to others has had to focus on action and not simply on my word. Walking the talk has been required, on a consistent and persistent basis, to show that I truly am on a different path. Seeking forgiveness is just one of the areas where this has been prevalent. There is a definite power in humbling myself to admit my wrongs and to seeking to right situations. I am more genuine, more open to others, more human. It is a moment of grace, baring my weakness and admitting that I am not perfect. It also lifts a weight from my shoulders and my soul, letting me breathe more freely. It is a good practice to do regularly so that I do not carry my mistakes with me, growing in dark places and turning into shame and resentment. It is something to be worn as a symbol of my strength and self-confidence, a badge of honour and my commitment in working at improving myself.

Affirmation

Let me acknowledge my errors today, all the ways that I hurt those around me. I will seek forgiveness and make things right through amends to end the day with a slate that is cleared of wrongdoing.

November 26

”Gossip and anger are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” Anonymous

I think I can relate guilt and shame into a similar context from my past. Guilt and shame were the poisons that I used, and that I expected would excuse me from my behaviours by making everything someone else’s fault. It gave me the 1001 excuses to write off my poor choices and actions. I have found a cure, and it was the 12-Steps that brought it to my attention. The answer – no more secrets. Honesty is the key to my recovery. My addiction thrives in the darkness, and flounders in the light of the truth. Only through rigorous honesty, first and foremost with myself, do I have a chance of regaining sanity and a life that is worth living. I choose to avoid poisoning myself. Honesty allows me to admit my mistakes, to ask for forgiveness, and to seek to make true amends for the hurt and damage I have caused. I know too well that holding on to the guilt and shame, nurturing them and helping them grow, was a path to my own destruction. The truth is building a new road to the future, even if it needs to be lain one brick at a time.

Affirmation I need to let go of the weights of the past, the guilt and the shame, that held me captive in my addiction. Honesty is the breath of fresh air that will lead me from my prison.

August 23

”Forgiveness and letting go are steps on our road back to happiness.” Tina Dayton

Forgiveness in some areas of my life is still a challenge. There are certain people in my life who continue to hold my past against me, refusing to accept the possibility that I can change and improve myself through recovery. It is difficult to interact with these people, and some of them I have little choice because they are or were family. Yet forgiveness is something I need to do for myself, to take back the power and control I give to others by worrying or dwelling on their actions and feelings. These are things out of my control and I am better served in focusing on the ways I handle my own feelings. So here is an area that I am practicing on a regular basis. Forgiving others for things they do or say, knowingly or not, that hurt me and others close to me. They are also people that are often in my prayers, that they come to an awareness of the damage they are causing to themselves and those around them, that they too can find a way to forgive, let go, and begin healing themselves. When I can content myself to dealing with my own situation, emotions, reactions and actions, it is much easier to be happy. I find myself calmer, more at peace with myself and the world around me, and more apt to caring, sharing and loving. I am also more compassionate and recognisant of the pain and suffering of others. I am living more as a child of God than rebelling against his will.

Affirmation I can only control myself. Forgiving others and letting go will help my focus on those things within my power to manage.

May 31

”Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” Ann Landers

I surprised myself recently and attended a Christian rock concert, not something I thought I would do as an adult. However, it was a powerful experience, and one of the songs that I still have playing in the back of my head is about forgiveness. The artist at the concert even took the time to challenge everyone to think of who they could turn to after leaving to call and ask forgiveness of, or better yet, who they could forgive. It was not hard for me to find a few people in both those categories. My views of forgiveness are shifting as I work my program of recovery. I am learning that it is about taking back my power, about freeing me from self-imposed chains, and not at all about condoning or accepting the actions of others. My addict was the first person I have needed to give an eviction notice to, having over-stayed their welcome rent-free in my head. That is part of forgiving myself. In forgiving others, I am clearing out more rooms, space that I can use instead to be filled with my Higher Power, and a better spiritual force that will sustain me. I will fill those places with things that love and cherish me .

Affirmation Like all places, even my head needs the occasional spring cleaning. Forgiveness allows me to throw away baggage I have been carrying and makes room for better things.

November 6 (88)

”Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” Benjamin Spock

This is a hard thing to do some days…trusting myself. Thinking back, that sentiment is what led me down many paths that weren’t the best decisions. Yet, honestly, at the same time, if I consider the person that I am now and who I am becoming, I do trust myself a great deal more than I used to. And, apparently, as is continuously evident in my God-given talent to keep filling these pages, I do know more than I think I do. Or at the very least, I am open to being a vessel for the inspiration of my Higher Power to flow through me and into these passages. Sometimes I even pay attention and listen! Learning to forgive myself has been a big challenge. I have caused real harm, hurt real people, and there are many regrets that I have which I may never be able to properly amend. It’s not right, fair, nor anything I can control. Part of my acceptance is being willing to let God present those opportunities for amends when and if they are part of His plans, not my own. If they come or don’t, there is a lesson for me to learn, and many other things I can focus on doing better. Life is full of surprises, but I am becoming more capable of handling events as they rise, accepting situations as they unfold and finding my part to play. I thank my Higher Power regularly for the continuing guidance and insight which continues to keep me headed in the right direction.

Affirmation In time doubt will be replaced with faith, fear with trust, and I will move forward with confidence and purpose.

June 22

”I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.” Booker T. Washington

I have always considered myself a forgiving person. I rarely take sides or hold something against someone. There have been a few people whom I have had difficulty with for long periods of time, and my only reason to hold onto my anger and frustration was because of a lack of my understanding of what I had done to cause the other person to continually mistreat me. Those are the situations which have been the hardest for me to let go of. I have surprised myself in my recovery, having had some very emotional and trying events to cope with. Infidelity, unwanted pregnancy, my spouse falling in love with someone else, separation…I have face these without hating my partner or the other people involved. I have even been able to forgive and I can do this more readily knowing that I have a better grasp on what forgiveness means. It does not mean that I condone another’s actions, but it allows me to take back my power and keep the past from continually damaging my serenity. I am learning that I do not want to be pulled down to the level of others…loving my enemies through the grace of God makes me stronger and keeps me on the right path.

Affirmation I will find freedom and strength in forgiveness. Taking back my power will help me along my path of recovery.

March 11

”Any person capable of angering you becomes the master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.” Epictetus

My personal power is something that I now realize has been too easy for me to give over to others. When I hold a grudge, when I resent where I am in life because of what someone else did or said, when I remain angry with another, I give them the power to control how I feel. I am learning that no one can make me feel, not happy, sad, angry or glad. My feelings are my own and while I am entitled to them, most are also not long-lived. My feelings are okay when they are a temporary response to a situation, but when I hold onto them, feed them, protect them, hide them, or lose myself in them then I lose focus on the present and live in the past. I need to move forward and one of the best tools for that is forgiveness. Forgiveness to me means taking back my power and not allowing myself to be controlled by past events that truly have no impact on where I am right at this moment. It does not mean that I condone what others have said or done, but there is nothing I can do to change that, all I can deal with is the here and now.

Affirmation I will live for the moment today; living in the past gives my power to others and holds be back from moving forward.

March 10

”We cannot be right with God when we are wrong with others.” Lehman Strauss

Step Five is all about forgiveness. One of the more difficult challenges we may face in this step is admitting the exact nature of our wrongs. We fear going into the past, reliving our mistakes and wondering if doing such activity will pull us back into our addictive patterns. The reality is that we need to express our faults, release our resentments and fears in order to be free of them. Only by doing so can we gain the freedom to will allow us to move forward in our recovery. Holding onto our negative past, especially those parts related directly to our addiction, keeps us trapped and more prone to relapse. In forgiving ourselves it can be helpful to remember that our Higher Power has already done likewise, even without us asking. We’ve been supported, and carried when required, through the worst times by the God of our understanding. The act of forgiving ourselves is powerful, liberating so much of our energy that has kept our faults under lock and key. The pain of the process comes with great satisfaction and hope of a brighter tomorrow.

Affirmation I will find the courage to forgive myself and open myself to my Higher Power in the process

March 7

”To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” Louis B. Smedes

As human beings we have a tendency to hold onto things, good and bad. Often as a result, we focus much of our attention on the past, reminiscing about how things were or might have been. Forgiving ourselves, and others whom we have affected through our addictive behaviour is another step in our process of letting go. We need to let go of the baggage we are carrying within us, most especially those things that are unresolved. In making our amends we move from holding onto the past and into the present by taking responsibility and doing something to make life better. We are humbled by our acts of amendment and gain wisdom in seeing the pain we have caused others. It is important to make amends to ourselves and take measures to establish things that we have neglected or deprived ourselves of during those periods when we were focused on our addiction and not making healthy choices.

Affirmation I hold the key to walk out of my prison, and that key is forgiveness.

March 4

”His heart was as great as the world, but there was no room in it to hold the memory of a wrong.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Forgiveness is a large part of healing our wrongs of the past. In working the steps, and in particular Steps 8 and 9, we begin to see the damage our actions have caused. It is not only the damage to others that we seek to recover from in making our amends, but the affect it has had on ourselves by holding onto our negative emotions of resentment, anger and fear for all those years. It is a powerful experience to make amends and release ourselves from our self-made prison. Letting go of the past and honestly making an effort to make up for our wrongs in whatever we can gives us the ability to move forward in our recovery and our lives. The best amend that we can make to most of those close to us is to continue working our program. In becoming a better, more genuine, caring and loving human being, we will restore trust and faith in those close to us. Our actions will show just how much we have changed and how we do not want to go back to the person we used to be.

Affirmation I will forgive someone today, and let go of a part of the past that has been weighing me down.