August 26

”Human beings, we have dark sides; we have dark issues in our lives. To progress anywhere in life, you have to face your demons.” John Noble

There are days like today where I am really not very proud of myself. After a conversation with someone who I care about where I have to admit, once again, that I have lied, cheated, done or said something to break their trust, have disrespected them in some way, I don’t feel very good about being me. Then there is admitting I’ve done those same things to the relationship with myself, as well as the one with my Higher Power. Living a program of rigorous honest isn’t simple, has many parts that are not enjoyable, and doesn’t come without a lot of hard work and effort. I don’t like having to be reminded that I have to try harder to follow my program of recovery, to respect my rules and boundaries and abide by the things I’ve place in my circles. The pull to just be normal is too strong and attractive sometimes. Yet if I look in the mirror, although it’s not tattooed on my forehead, there is a reflection of an addict. Me, the broken one, struggling to find the way to live a life where my disease is manageable and I am not always out of control. Yes, moments like this can make me question why I continue to bother. Why not just simply give in, go back to the way things used to be. Two good reasons come to mind. The first one is that I can no longer go back to who I was. I no longer have the ignorance of not having identified my disease. Secondly, and more important, I am well aware of all that I stand to lose, all the consequences that await me at the end of the darker path. Given the options, I will pick up the heavy burden today and pray for the strength to carry until tomorrow.

Affirmation

Gray days will happen, and there will be times when I need to clean the slate once again, and share all that is still happening beneath the surface. This is the only way for me to stay sober.

September 23

”The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift.” Pierre Corneille

A topic in a recent meeting made me reflect on how I found the program. After several episodes of leaving a trail to my acting out that were found by my partner, I finally had enough awareness to admit that I had a problem and needed help. A newcomer asked in this recent meeting about disclosure, and as I listened I could not help but recall how things had gone when I had been “put on the spot” to divulge everything that was going on. I know being unprepared and unsure what or how much to say did not help in my own personal circumstances. Some good advice and suggestions were offered by those present. Try and have some recovery under your belt to better understand the consequences and be prepared to face them. Talk with a sponsor and/or therapist about what to say. Try to have the conversation in a controlled environment with a professional – sponsor, therapist, or clergy – to help guide the emotional reactions. All good ideas for someone who has the luxury of creating the opportunity to reveal their secret. In the end that is what disclosure is all about. The program clearly shows that we are only as sick as our secrets. The only way to not have secrets is to share them with someone else. This is a key step in recovery and in become honest with ourselves.

Affirmation I will be aware of any secrets I may still have and find the right time, place and person to share them with.