August 20

”Just take this as a warning. Know that there's always a price for not being yourself.” Benilde Little

Having had some exposure to the 12 Steps before ever setting foot inside an SAA meeting, I recall being a bit concerned about how sobriety would be defined. Would it mean complete abstinence from all forms of sexual activity? Were there grace periods or certain behaviours that were deemed normal? I really had no clue. Therefore I was certainly relieved to discover that each and every member was given the opportunity to define their own abstinence, but that the program provided guidelines to help determine it. Personally, I have adopted the idea of the inner, middle and outer circles as I find it works well for defining my program of recovery. With the aid of one of my sponsors, we created an abstinence contract which defined the behaviours or activities in each circle, along with a reason as to why they had been put there. It’s a tool that helps remind me of the damage that middle and inner circle items can create, and the support and nurturing that comes from those things in my outer circle. I do remember a period where my middle circle felt less like a warning bell, and more like the list of things that I could do because “they weren’t that bad.” I soon discovered the falsity of that belief, as indulging in my middle circle quickly led me to the edge of my inner circle. Today I am more aware that finding myself in my middle circle is the alarm bell that I have strayed from the path and I am walking along the edge of a cliff. It’s not a place for me to dabble, but when I need to re-double my efforts in working my program. The edge is often closer than I think.

Affirmation

Honesty is the key step to being myself. My middle circle is a dangerous place to play and I will take any sign that I am in it seriously and seek help to move back to my outer circle.

March 26

”People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wicked when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down” The Doors

The word “isolation” in French translates to “insulation” in English. I’ve had some fresh reminders of what I am like when I isolate, and I see a resemblance to the insulation that is provided by my addiction. Insulation does two things, it keeps things in on one side, and out on the other. The insulation of my addiction keeps my feelings inside myself, not able to be released, and it keeps others from me by steering me to isolate and keep to myself. There are still many old habits that can innocently sneak up on me to send me back down the path of my middle and inner circles. Simply having a few more drinks than normal, watching too much TV, resisting going to sleep at a good hour, or other such activities can weaken resolve. Often for me, these are coupled by a lack of good outer circle behaviours like getting to a meeting, reaching out, journaling, prayer and meditation. This combination of less desirable actions with less attention to working my program can easily lead to a slippery slope. I’m recognizing that this sets my up to a state where I do feel like I am insulated, where a barrier is up in front of my emotional centre and where I am less enthusiastic about staying connected to others. This needs to be a warning to me that I am not in a good space. The insulation has a cost, and I no longer need or deserve to fulfill the desires of my addiction, I am worth more than that.

Affirmation When life gets a little too comfortable, when I don’t feel like making a true effort, I need to stop and evaluate where I am and make sure I am safe.

July 4

”Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities.” Aristotle

There are days in recovery that I find it challenging to be happy, to feel true contentment for being here. These are days when I find myself at risk of hearing the voice of my addiction, the empty promises that seek to fill an unnamed void. It’s still frightening how a small seed of a thought, an act, or a hint of middle circle behaviour can float in and out of my day, distracting me and tugging at me, risking to pull me towards action inch by inch. I need to get through days like this however I can. One trick is simply delaying taking a thought and making it a reality. Telling myself it has to wait until later can give me time for the power of the suggestion to fade. It also gives me the chance to do something else, like reach out, pray, or meditate to strengthen my resolve. Even still, there are days like this that are a rollercoaster ride, a constant tugging up and down of my recovering self and the addict. I need to keep fighting the good fight. I also need to be willing, should I succumb to the pull and slip into old behaviours, to forgive myself and climb right back onto the path of recovery. I am only human after all.

Affirmation In recovery there will be days that are harder than others, but I will continue to struggle against the current of my addiction which continues to lose its power over me.

November 4 (90)

”It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.” Eleanor Roosevelt

During a sharing session I had a spark of insight that linked a few behavioural patterns together that I had not realized previously. When I get into a period of stinkin’ thinkin’, part of my middle circle behaviours, I tend to isolate, usually from those closest to me – friends, family and members of the program alike. I used to think that it was primarily to give myself the extra space to keep feeding my addiction. I also discovered that in a twisted way, as my addictive thinking can be, it is also a way to try and protect those I care about. Pushing away or retreating into my shell keeps people away from me when I am in a bad place and when I am more likely to do something to harm others. Guess I should include harming myself in there too, I know better now. The opposite is the truth though, that by isolating I am removing myself from the people who are most likely my best advocates for my recovery and who support me in continuing to do the right things. This is still a challenge, to realize that I need not face everything on my own. That I can ask for help and it’s alright. That I deserve to live better. That I will face difficulties that make me want to run away. God give me the courage to accept those people in my life who support me.

Affirmation If I am willing to go out on a limb for another member in need, I need to remember that it is okay for someone to reach out to me.