February 4

”The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Steps 8 and 9 for me are the ones where “I put my money where my mouth is.” Up to this point, the steps have been focused on learning about and coming to accept who I truly am, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In making my list of those who I have harmed, becoming willing to make amends, and making those amends wherever possible, my recover moves beyond being a personal thing. These are the steps of taking responsibility for my past actions and behaviours with those around me. My list was a long one. It was a daunting process just to note all those who I had hurt along the way as I lived my dual life. It was even more frightening to think that I would have to confront all those people to seek amends for the way I had treated them. Anyone who has been through this process can surely attest that it is not something for the weak of heart. It took a great deal of courage to admit that I had a problem to myself…admitting that to someone else in my fifth step was a bit harder, doing this to people who were very close to me that I had hurt – I thought would be impossible. I am grateful for the wording of Step Nine, especially the phrases “wherever possible” and “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Just because I become ready to make amends, doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is ready to receive them. In truth, I have found the best amends for many of those on my list has been to simple continue working my program, and ensuring I don’t repeat my damaging behaviours. That is a gift for everyone involved, including myself.

Affirmation

Forgiveness takes courage, but amends lead to freedom from my guilt and shame of the past.

August 19

”Confidence is courage at ease.” Daniel Maher

Looking back I can see that there was a certain sense of confidence I had in my acting out periods of my life. The fact that I was so obsessed by my addiction, that I poured so much of my time and energy into, means that I actually got good at it. This is not any achievement that I am proud of, but in examining this, there are lessons I can learn to help me in recovery today. The biggest one is that in order to gain confidence in something new, it takes time, practice and effort. It means willing to risk making mistakes. It is about taking things slowly in small pieces and gradually making them bigger and more complicated. So living in recovery and working my program is a work in progress. It’s normal for it to feel awkward, to be frustrated by my lack of apparent progress and to feel like giving up. It’s only through perseverance and dedication, sticking to my guns, that I will make lasting changes. In time my confidence and self-esteem for my recovery self are going to show up. They have for me in many ways. I am able to recognize frequently when my addictive influence is trying to persuade me to go back to my old ways. This in turn allows me to act in preventative ways instead of only cleaning up after the mess. The program is returning my life to one of sanity and serenity, One Day At A Time. I am eternally grateful for my second lease on life.

Affirmation

Recovery is a learning process, a tear-down of the old me and the building up of a new one. One step at a time I will continue my transformation into the true me.

December 17

”Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

Love is a part of my life that I have only begun to understand correctly in my recent recovery. It is not about seeking, about getting what I want, or about having things I deserve. Rather, love is about sharing, about spreading the joy I have inside with others, about wanting to put someone else before me. I love not to be loved in return, but simply because I am filled with it and I need to pass it along. I now have people in my life who love me deeply, some who always have but I never recognized it, like my parents, and others who are a more recent addition. Nonetheless, knowing that others care strongly for me gives me strength to want to continue in this new life, to keep on progressing in becoming a better person. I am also learning how to love deeply, to be fully committed to other people, to be truly intimate and to be part of a partnership. Relationships may be based on give and take, yet I can half participate, only giving when I know that I will get something in return. Nowadays, I give simply because I am able, and I am less expectant of what might come back as a result. I have more courage to face the world because of the depth of my love of others.

Affirmation May God grant me all the love I need today to share with others, to spread joy and happiness, and to propel me along my path of recovery.

January 23

”The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly.” Corra Harris

God grant me...the courage to change the things I can. I continue to be amazed by the power and wisdom in that simple phrase. Somebody somewhere had a lot of insight to distil all the meaning that those few words imply. As I move through my journey of recovery and face change on a daily basis I am constantly reminded of how challenging it can be to do things differently. I know for a fact that I cannot do this on my own and that it is only by God’s grace, by His gift of courage that I can find sufficient bravery to step into the unknown time and time again. This is one of my biggest hurdles in my program, forcing myself a most every opportunity to stop doing what is comfortable, what I have grown accustomed to, and to try something completely different. I have more than enough experience and proof that my old ways, while they sufficed to some degree, have a list of side-effects that are way more detrimental than I can afford. My Higher Power is my new medicine and promises to restore me to sanity if I but surrender and trust in the process of the 12 Steps.

Affirmation Let me pray for courage, strength, love and patience today in case my own reserves are not enough. With my Higher Power’s help I can overcome any obstacles in my way.

January 4

”Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.” Willis Whitney

Living in recovery gives me the liberty to take new risks. Whereas in the past risk-taking was only related to seeking sexual satisfaction, nowadays it is related to seeking out my dreams and desires – for a new job, a new place to live, new friendships – all healthy aspirations. However my challenge is to overcome my addict’s built-in self-defence mechanism of making excuses. This was how I tricked myself into believing I didn’t deserve anything better, of how unworthy I was, etc. This self-belittlement kept me weak, guilty and ashamed – a perfect candidate to continue acting out to try and feel better and to escape the pain. Turning all this around has been simpler than I thought. The barrier to my aspirations in most cases has been paper thin, a single step of courage has often proved all that was necessary to break free of the lies of my addict that were keeping me prisoner. Life has so much more variety and I can ask my Higher Power for the strength and courage to take those risks to move in a different direction. One reason, one supporting comment from a friend, can propel me a great distance along the healthy path of recovery and self-discovery.

Affirmation My fears often have more power than they deserve, and only serve to keep me a slave to my addiction. An act of courage can push them aside and give me freedom to realize my real dreams.

October 24

”Courage is the first of all the human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others.” Sir Winston Churchill

Owning up to the parts of my life that are not as I would like them is challenging. This is because it causes me to look at my defects and weaknesses which in turn is usually a trigger for me to want to return to my old behaviours. Which in a way is a self-fulfilling prophecy as it was my compulsive sexual behaviours that were usually the reason for me having those troubled areas in my life in the first place. The worst part is that when I start to take steps to work at confronting my problems and relationships that little voice in the back of my head is all too quick to point out how hard it’s going to be, that I shouldn’t bother, or any number of other excuses. It takes courage to ignore that voice and not fall into the trap but rather takes some positive action instead. Usually when I do, I find the task is not as a difficult as imagined. It still means finding the will to make that first step. Courage is most common in small doses, to take that simple first act towards something new and different, rather than the heroic displays befitting a Hollywood movie. Yet it is an important part to keep us moving, growing, changing and bettering ourselves.

Affirmation May I find the courage today to continue putting on foot in front of the other.

October 16

”What a new face courage puts on everything.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Courage can change my outlook on life. I continue to face many trials as I move forward in recovery and I am not always brave enough to face up to them right away. I find myself repeating the Serenity Prayer, asking my Higher Power for the courage to continue advancing along the path of recovery and doing his will. Sometimes courage comes directly from within, often it comes from others around me, friends or members in the program who support and encourage me. I need courage as well for the things that are going well in my life. I still have a difficult time accepting the good things. I need to be ok with having positive events occur and not feel a need to sabotage them. M old thoughts of feeling like I am not worthy or deserving still creep into my head from time to time. Courage here is a lead-in to my renewed faith that the God of my understanding has my best interests at heart. People, places and things will continue to come and go. Some will help challenge me to grow, some will support and others will try to disrupt and destroy. All that I have overcome so far in my brief time in recovery is proof that I can move through life without reliance on my addiction as a power greater than myself.

Affirmation My Higher Power promises to lead me to sanity if I but trust and ask. The courage to do this will help me confront all situations.

October 9

”Courage is the greatest of all virtues. Because if you haven’t courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others.” Samuel Johnson

Being in recovery take as continuous supply of courage. And while my on confidence is steadily improving, I am well aware that my own efforts are not enough. I have to ask my Higher Power to help out on a regular basis, most days I am just not brave enough to do everything the way I should. Take for example a recent day in my life. I had been looking at registering for a parenting course, but given that I am now separated, I no longer have my built-in babysitter for the week I have my kids. My best option was my brother-in-law, but I was hesitant to ask given how the family relationships were dissolving. Finally I prayed for the courage to make the call, only to find out he wasn’t home but at his brother’s place where my relationships are even more strained. So I asked God for His help again and dialed the second number. No answer. So, unsure if I was simply being ignored, I asked one of my children to call their uncle and let him know that I wanted to speak to him, and left the rest to my Higher Power. I did get called back a couple of days later, and he was willing to help out so I could attend my course. Because I asked for the courage, I am working on rebuilding at least one damaged relationship.

Affirmation When I cannot find it within me to do what needs to be done, let me pray to God for the strength and courage to continue.

September 20

”Happy is he who dares courageously to defend what he loves.” Ovid

My recovery is precious. Because right now it is helping me regain my connection to my Higher Power, it is probably one of the most valuable things in my life and I need to protect it. I have heard people say that working their program is like putting money in the bank, that it is self-guarding some protection for when they need to withdraw it to help combat their triggers and addictive tendencies. I see working my program more like sand I add to an hour glass that has no top or bottom. Picking up my tools and using them helps to keep my addiction at bay, but if I am not consistent and continuously working my recovery that reserve of sand will eventually fall all the way through. It takes daily doses of courage to make being in recovery a priority. It is too easy to fall back into my old routine, to put off my sponsor, prayer, meetings or some other tool when life is going well. Life is good because I am still active in my outer activities, in connecting with others, in reading my recovery literature and meditating. Why on earth would I want to stop these things and jeopardize the sanity and serenity I have found? Now that is just a little crazy thinking on my part!

Affirmation I will choose to defend my sobriety and that means continuing to work my program – life is good today because I am doing the right things.

August 31

”Courage is resistance to fear, masking of fear, not absence of fear.” Mark Twain

Being in recovery is scary business. Facing life without the safety and security of my addiction can be frightening. Even though I see and hear that the program and faith in a Higher Power works for others in recovery, it is another thing entirely to make those steps on my own. Yet each challenge I face in sobriety, with the knowledge of my Higher Power by my side and my fellowship supporting me, strengthens my resolve and determination to live without the crutch of my drug of choice. Courage is a muscle that I can strengthen through use. I have faced seriously challenging and emotionally charged situations in recovery, sane and sober, that I could never have imagined having survived without resorting to acting out only a short time ago. God is a continued blessing in my life as I reprioritize my spiritual health. When I lack the strength, patience or courage I know help is only a prayer away. Meditation and gratitude complete the triangle of my spiritual life. To help keep me balanced and whole, in good times and in bad.

Affirmation I may be afraid to face life without my old coping mechanisms but I can take heart that others in the program have gone before me and succeeded.

August 11

”Courage is the capacity to confirm what can be imagined.” Leo Rosten

An interesting way to view courage, not so much in terms of fear as we normally portray it, but in the willingness to risk doing something to make it a reality. It is about pushing the limits of our comfort and stepping into unfamiliar territory. I think this applies well to the 12 Steps; for me they are new, untested waters but I can have faith in the thousands who have gone before me and followed the program to a new way of living. While it still takes my willingness and courage to set out on my own voyage through the program, I know I am not alone and have many people willing to support me along the way. Confirmation of what can be imagined…these words strike me each time I read the Ottawa Promises; there is always at least one that resonates. As I progress in my recovery, I have seen some of them realized: hearing myself laugh again, turning loneliness into solitude, shame becoming grace. I am learning to forgive myself and others, to develop a deeper understanding of love and my sexual fantasies and obsessions have diminished. Each of these is a result of my continued faith in a Higher Power and the program to lead me in a better direction than I have led myself. I am grateful I have let go of the reins.

Affirmation I can rely on the hope and faith of others that the program will lead me to a saner life where I can be happy, free, and genuine.

April 18

”Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.” Charlie Chaplin

As much as I agree with Mr. Chaplin’s idea that courage is required to make a fool of yourself, I am not as convinced that failure is unimportant. On the contrary I think failure is a necessity, it’s the driving force for change. In failing we learn what didn’t work right in order to be able to make adjustments, try something new, and hopefully succeed on the next attempt. I can see in a sense that failure is unimportant such that it should never cause discouragement. Failure is the result of trying, and trying to do something means progress and often taking a risk. I believe that I grow more from the lessons where I had to fail several times than from those where I got the hang of it right away. My recovery certainly has a lot of failure associated with it, not only from the months and years of my active addiction, but also from my attempts to recreate myself as I begin to heal. Learning new tools and ways to cope with the stress and emotional reactions of a “normal” life is brand new. I am aware I am not going to always get it right. But I am willing to keep trying.

Affirmation Today I will rejoice i n my failures, count them as my blessings, and look to learn from the error of my ways.

April 8

”Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon

Fear is a natural instinct; its role is there to help us distinguish things that are good for our survival from those that threaten it. It’s an automated response and determination that happens before we have the chance to think and evaluate a situation without any coherent reasoning. Yet our brain has not evolved in this process are we are very rarely in situations of immediate danger when our fear reflex responds. We need to be able to adjust to the initial shock, the fight, flight or freeze response, and allow the moment to pass then determine the real level of danger and threat in what is happening around us. This is not to say the reflex does not have some merit, there are certainly occasions where our life may be in imminent danger. But our fear reflex in most day-to-day confrontations is merely a reflection of our ego and basic needs and desires being threatened. We often put more emphasis on our fear response than the situation demands.

Affirmation Today I will be aware of the times I feel afraid and give myself time to evaluate why I feel threatened. I will react with an appropriate response and not one based on fear.

February 29

”Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius

Many of us aspire to be the perfect recoverer, to make the decision to become sober and to maintain that new state for the rest of our days. We figure there’s a simple switch to turn off our addictive behaviour and move on with a normal life. If only it were so easy. Like our life has been to this point, so is our recovery a journey. It does not take a straight path, but one filled with ups and downs, good times and bad. Our initial time in recovery is much like learning to ride a bike without training wheels. We know the basics of being on the bicycle but are fearful of not having the support of those two small wheels. We likely fell many times before we got the hang of it and ultimately overcame our fears. So too with our recovery, it can be frightening taking those first steps. We might even be excited about the new way of living and jump in with both feet. But those first relapses, our falling back to our old ways, leave us missing the security of our training wheels. It takes courage and support to get back on track.

Affirmation Today I can rise if I fail, the ultimate goal is progress, not perfection in my recovery.

February 15

”Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

Courage comes in many forms. Courage during the process of our recovery often comes in small doses; the courage to go to our first meeting, the first time we say aloud that we are a sex addict, the first time we share in a meeting. Yet like many things, the courage in taking these small steps builds confidence and eventually leads to taking bigger steps like seeking a sponsor, sharing our first step, joining a step study group or taking on a leadership role. There is no magic recipe to our recovery. It is more often the accumulation of many small steps, small acts of recovery that lead to our eventual sexual sobriety. There is power in these tiny movements within the program. Like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, we likely only require following the yellow brick road of our recovery and experiencing small moments that will gradually rebuild our self-confidence.

Affirmation Today I will find the courage to work a small part of my recovery, that step will become a part of my continuing journey.