November 23

”Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” Norman Vincent Peale

If I take the follow-on step to the quote above, then I believe that prayer and meditation are the exercise of the spirit, another aspect of our being which we need to maintain and strengthen. A big part of recovery for me has been bringing those three aspects back into balance – mind, body and spirit. Each has a purpose and unique job but I am not whole without any of them. Focusing on some very basic principles was a starting point as I pulled myself out of the pit I found myself staring out from when I first admitted that I had a problem. Some of this is part of the oxygen mask principle that is part of a safety demonstration on an airplane – remember to put on your own mask before helping someone else with theirs. I need to start with the core aspects of who I am, my basic needs and ensure that they are being met, before I can venture out and start to help others. Considering my starting point from the depths of my addiction, it is not hard to see that this can take some time and effort. And some willingness and openness to be on the receiving end of a helping hand. The good thing is that most of those acts of self-care I learned at a young age and the good habits can be re-established quickly. Others that may have been lacking, or never practiced, such as prayer and meditation, may take more involvement and dedication to establish into my new life. Yet like exercise, the more I do it, the more my spiritual muscles get used to the idea, and the easier and less challenging it becomes.

Affirmation

I will flex my spiritual muscles today, and find time for prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, even if only a tiny bit.

December 19

”No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.” Matthew 6:24

I’ve used many different ways to describe living with addiction, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, feeding two wolves, and others. There is a distinct dichotomy that exists within, the addict and the rest of me. Like any mental illness, the hardest struggle in dealing with my disease happens internal, unseen and mostly unknown to those around me. I tried for years to serve both masters, the normal person at work, with my family and friends, and the addict in secret, in the dark places and quiet hours. Yet although I thought I was in control and was managing, the truth was that I was only fooling myself and eventually those around me. I could not love both at the same time. I could not commit to both equally. I could not support them both with enough energy and effort to sustain them without the other suffering. And for too long, the dominate side was my addiction. Today, through the steps and friends in the program, I have found a new balance. It is the tools of recovery and my outer circle activities and behaviours that dictate the flow of my life. In focusing on new, positive ways of embracing the challenges of life, I am no longer enslaved by my addiction.

Affirmation

The hope of the program, of my Higher Power, is gaining freedom to be myself and not a slave to my addictive behaviours.

May 10

”We cheerfully assume that in some mystic way love conquers all, that good outweighs evil in the just balances of the universe and that at the eleventh hour something gloriously triumphant will prevent the worst before it happens.” Brooks Atkinson

I do believe there is a certain balance in life, and that the disparity between right and wrong, good and evil, is part of how the world is structured. But I no longer think that there is a huge fight to figure out which side will win. All of this exists at the same time, good, evil, pain, sorrow, joy and sadness. Each has an equal part in the world, and in all human beings, me included. The path we take and the choices we make direct which parts of the universe we will focus on and share with the rest of the world. It’s by my own hand that I can make the world a better, more positive place, sharing joy and creativity with those I meet. Or, I can turn inward, and selfishly take from the world, seeking to meet my greed, and in kind leave the world a more bitter, lonely and miserable place for others. I have spent too much time blaming this, that, and the other thing for where I am in my life. Yet I am a product of my past, and the decisions I made along the way. I need to take responsibility for my part in getting to where I am today. I do have hope and faith for a better and brighter future, because, by the grace of my Higher Power, I am more aware of my personal impact. I have the power to make changes, to shape the world how I would like to see it each and every day. For those opportunities, I am eternally grateful.

Affirmation

God, grant me the courage today to make good changes in the world, to continue to strive making this planet a better place to live.

August 19

”To rid ourselves of shadows – who we are- we must step into either total light or total darkness.” Jeremy Preston

There have been moments in my life when I have felt that life could only progress to one extreme or the other, either complete and total immersion into my addiction, a transformation into my darkest self, or a trip in the other direction to completely shed me of the evil skin that coated all I did and all I was. In these moments I was often at my worst, in my lowest state, unable to find much hope of a return to normalcy. In recovery I can see more clearly that things are not simply black or white, but most often a variety of shades. Extremes are not usually healthy, for good or for worse, but life is more fluid and its ok that things fluctuate within a spectrum. The trick is to neither succumb to my addictive behaviours nor try to shut them out completely. It is more about learning to accept myself as I am, the black, the white, and the multiple shades of gray in between. My goal is not to rid myself of my shadow – like everything else about me it serves a purpose. While it took a more predominant place in my life than it should have, I am working to put it into perspective. My shadow today reminds me of why I am in recovery, why I work my program, and allows me to reflect on how different things have become. I can accept it as an integral part of me, but do not have to be led by it any longer.

Affirmation In time the power of my shadow of my addiction will diminish as I focus on the 12-Steps and my recovery.

July 18

”The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose.” HadaBejar

I see two sides to how I choose to act, but really both encompass the idea of karma. If I do things the right way, treat others like I would like to be treated, then eventually my good deeds will come back to me. I also feel the opposite is true, if I mistreat and use others, I expect that negativity to come back to me in some form or another as well. What remains is my choice; do I give a rose or a thistle? There is more depth – true giving or sharing of myself is done because I want and I am able to share. Yet giving because I expect to get something in return is selfish and does not really match the definition of true sharing. The motivation behind my actions is as important as the act itself. This really goes back to living in harmony with my thoughts, words and deeds. When all is in sync I am being genuine and authentic and others will notice. Moving forward in recovery without my secret double life is required to finding my true self and becoming a better person. All this work also helps clear the way for an improved relationship with my Higher Power. The program is restoring the fragrance in my hand as I share my recovery with others.

Affirmation I will be conscientious of my actions today and keep them in line with my thoughts and feelings.

April 27

”Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” Golda Meir

In a moment of wisdom I had the thought that it is the pain of recovery that propels us through the door, but it is the promise of hope that keeps us coming back. I truly believe this principle applies to my own journey and I have witnessed it in my own experiences at meetings. I take Step One on a daily basis, and admitting that I have a problem is the catalyst for me to reach for my tools of recovery. I am hopeful that I can learn to love more deeply, laugh more fully and experience joy more purely in contrast to the depths of despair and burden of guilt and shame that I have lived through in my acting out. Yet even if I only achieve some level of balance, of positive and negative emotions in reasonable measure but not to extremes, I will certainly be content. My life is about achieving equilibrium and living in moderation. I no longer want to hide parts of who I am or how I feel. I deserve to be a whole person and to be accepted as I am. I have as much right to weep when I am sad or laugh when I am glad as the next person. I am allowed to be okay with me.

Affirmation I know that pain and hope are parts of my journey. I will recognize my feelings and allow myself to feel them today.

February 22

”If all were rain and never sun, no bow could span the hill; if all were sun and never rain, there’d be no rainbow still.” Christian Rosetti

An important message that I learned in my early recovery is that life is all about living in balance and having all things in moderation. It’s about getting off the roller coaster ride of our addictions with its steep highs and sharp falls. A healthier life is not a flat line, but more like a drive through rolling hills. There will still be ups and downs, constant fluctuation of happiness and sorrow, joy and pain, good and bad. The goal of recovery is to learn to avoid always living in extreme conditions. We don’t have to do this on our own. We have the support of our peers in our fellowship, our sponsor, and always our Higher Power. We need to learn how to breathe again, to take five or ten seconds to absorb a situation that sets us on edge, then act and not react to what is going on. Finding serenity in recovery, being at peace within ourselves, allows us to step back from situations that threaten to pull us back into the chaos that feeds our addiction. Prayer and meditation are also important tools to help us maintain our composure and maintain sobriety.

Affirmation I will seek to be in balance, knowing that life has its hills and valleys but I longer need to live in the extremes.