December 19

”No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.” Matthew 6:24

I’ve used many different ways to describe living with addiction, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, feeding two wolves, and others. There is a distinct dichotomy that exists within, the addict and the rest of me. Like any mental illness, the hardest struggle in dealing with my disease happens internal, unseen and mostly unknown to those around me. I tried for years to serve both masters, the normal person at work, with my family and friends, and the addict in secret, in the dark places and quiet hours. Yet although I thought I was in control and was managing, the truth was that I was only fooling myself and eventually those around me. I could not love both at the same time. I could not commit to both equally. I could not support them both with enough energy and effort to sustain them without the other suffering. And for too long, the dominate side was my addiction. Today, through the steps and friends in the program, I have found a new balance. It is the tools of recovery and my outer circle activities and behaviours that dictate the flow of my life. In focusing on new, positive ways of embracing the challenges of life, I am no longer enslaved by my addiction.

Affirmation

The hope of the program, of my Higher Power, is gaining freedom to be myself and not a slave to my addictive behaviours.