February 23

”It is strange that those we miss the most are those we take for granted.” Sir John Betjeman

This is one area that I am working on not repeating in my life. It was in taking those closest to me for granted that I was able to so deeply fall into my addiction and ignore the best things in my life. And this lack of attention led to me losing some of the people that I cared deeply about. I know I used to escape my feelings of loss, abandon and rejection. I didn’t want to feel like I was missing people that were important to me, and I sought refuge in my acting out. It’s hard looking back, knowing that this behaviour is w.hat ultimately caused me to lose the people I didn’t want to miss. So recovery is teaching me to experience my feelings. The simple fact that I miss someone doesn’t mean than they are rejecting or abandoning me. It is a sign of them caring for me, and also of how much they mean to me. These are good things, and good reminders that it is great for me to have intimate relationships. I know much better what I risk losing by taking others for granted

Affirmation The one thing I cannot afford to take for granted is the fact that I am today, like yesterday and tomorrow, an addict. Remembering this allows me to focus on being in recovery.

November 12

”Faith in small things has repercussions that ripple all the way out. In a huge dark room a little match can light up the place.” Joni Eareckson Tada

Delving into my past continues to bring to light things that shaped my life, and that pushed me to the paths that I took. One of those broad subjects is fear. I am only starting to explore this in more detail, but I have already gained a sense that this was a bigger part of my growing up than I ever imagined. One simple exercise of investigating some of the major events of my life at various ages has started to bring some things to light. One recurring pattern is a fear of rejection which has shown up in events from school, work and with friends over the years. Another is a fear of abandonment, from episodes in my family and choices that I have made throughout the past. Over time, some of this fear became irrational, and held more power in my life than was warranted. It was one of the tools used by my addiction to keep the cycle going. A new concept for me is to see fear as a friend. In truth, a healthy fear could hold this place, as it serves as a warning that there is danger ahead. When the threat is real, then fear is a perfectly reasonable emotion. My challenge is to stop manufacturing fears, or making them seem worse or larger than they are to cause stress which then needs to be dealt with.

Affirmation I will work at accepting my fears, tempered by the reality of the situation that they occur in. May my Higher Power grant me the wisdom to separate these accordingly today.