May 27

"God is lovingly and powerfully present with us in our laments, but sometimes that knowledge needs to be enough. Sometimes we need to learn to love God more than the happy ending we hope for."  Esther Fleece, "No More Faking Fine"

The Websters dictionary definition of lament is "to mourn aloud." I will be the first to admit that mourning is not one of my strengths, not something I am accustomed to or practiced at doing. It, like most of the strong emotions in life, is something I avoided at all costs, especially trying to live up to the image of a male in our society. On the rare occasions I have mourned, they have been done in silence. The same place that I go with my suffering. This is not a part of me that was encouraged to be done in the company of others, with their support, grace and compassion. No it was a battle to be faced alone, unseen because any public display of grief and loss meant I was weak. At least, this is the old me that I am working on changing. Books like No More Faking Fine are teaching me the power of lamenting, of crying out to God when there is pain and suffering, when I don't understand the why's of this world. It is not something I need face alone, for there is more than enough sadness in this life to go around. Sharing it makes it easier to lift the burden on my soul, one teardrop at a time.

Affirmation

God help me to be willing to cry out aloud to you today so I can express my pain, loss, and grief for I know that you are there to listen.

November 30

”Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.” Anthony Charles Lynton Blair

It’s hard to do the right thing all the time. It’s even harder to do the right thing when you see others doing the wrong thing and getting ahead and getting what they want. And yet experience is showing me that in order to get what my Higher Power wants me to have, well we’re back to needing to do that right thing. So it goes back to that simple question – is what I am doing to satisfy my own will, or His? Of course this raises up the whole issue of life being unfair, is there really karma, why do good things happen to bad people, and so on and so forth. My job is to stop when I feel myself being pulled into this trap. My concern here is not about everyone or anyone else, and to some degree not even about myself. It boils down to my willingness to surrender to the will of the God of my understanding. Am I truly committed to the program and the better way of life that promises sanity and serenity? Suffering and hard times are a part of life. However I am beginning to see that these darker times are required to provide the contrast to allow me to see the influence of my Higher Power in my life and the world around me. Just as the stars are always shining, I need the darkness of night for them to shine and to enjoy their beauty and wonder. My Higher Power has a purpose in everything, even pain and sadness.

Affirmation

I may be tempted by the easier, faster way today, but I will pause to focus on His Will and His Way.

July 19

”Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes courage. You have to fall in order to practice being brave.” Mary Tyler Moore

Not much in life is achieved without trying. Trying to do something new means opening myself to the risk of failure. With failure comes rejection, disappointment, pain and even shame. But I also recognize that these negatives are, and should, become the fuel for change, perseverance and another try. Taking chances is a requirement for growth. I like the line from the movie “We Bought A Zoo” that sometimes all it takes in life is 20 seconds of insane courage to experience something wonderful. Getting up the nerve to confront my fears, to be momentarily brave, is usually worth more in the long term than the worry of pain or embarrassment or whatever was holding me back in the first place. Like Nike’s famous slogan, sometimes I have to just “Do It.” Pain and suffering are teachers. I like to think, at least most of the time, that the more I have suffered, the more that there is growth and a better path that awaits me as I learn from my past mistakes. This is simply part of the process as I transform into the new and improved me, scars and all.

Affirmation

I will look at those things that are bothering me today, not as something to worry about, but as a source to move in a better, brighter, saner direction. I am worth it!

May 1

”Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for when you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let that steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

Suffering serves a purpose. I have witnessed this in my own recovery, and in that of others. Sometimes we need to face situations of pain and hurt in order to move forward. I have needed to be broken and stripped of my old ways in order to be ready to be rebuilt anew. It is only by shedding my old skin that I can be given a new and different one. I must be willing to let go of the shackles that bind me to the past. Change is a painful process. It is part of the cycle of grieving. I have to say goodbye to something, experience the loss, then grow to embrace the new change and accept it into my life. I need to deal with my feelings through this period of loss, rejection, anger, frustration, acceptance and contentment. It requires faith on my part that something better is awaiting me on the other side. Based on my own experience and beliefs, my Higher Power only wants what is good for me. Therefore anything that needs to be taken away will be replaced with something better. This fact doesn’t always console me or dissolve my initial reluctance to changes, but I am becoming more accepting of new and different things and trusting in my Higher Power to let go of older ones.

Affirmation

The trials I face today are part of the change process to mold me into a better person, and there are good things awaiting me at the end.

April 25

”You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” Walt Disney

I used to think Hollywood movies only had the purpose to entertain, to fill a screen with mindless pictures and sound for a couple hours to distract us. And while that may be true of some films, certainly some genres more than others, many films do have depth and important messages that I am better able to see. There are many lessons of life, and authors, poets, artists of all kinds use their medium and talent to share those with the rest of the world. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I need to see the same movie or painting a few dozen times before the message comes through. Yet I am aware why certain things have a draw that keeps me going back to them, that there are messages within that resonate to my beliefs and values. One of the many lessons I have learned through literature and movies is that my past, no matter how dark or devastating it may have been at times, can be overcome. My potential to do great things is not limited because of where I came from, or what I have experienced. To the contrary, much of that can serve as motivation to propel me to make the world so much better because of how I suffered. So I can be grateful for that kick in the teeth, today at least.

Affirmation

With growing awareness I will find messages of hope and strength all around me. I need to simply keep looking and there they will be.

April 13

”Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as adversity has done. Out of pain and problems have come the sweetest songs, the most poignant poems, the most gripping stories. Out of suffering and tears have come the greatest spirits and the most blessed lives.” Billy Graham

It’s true that nothing drives change more than pain and suffering. I’m realizing now that’s always been the case for me, but it is also where the talents given to me work the best to get me through it. I wish I had put the two together sooner, I might have suffered less. It’s my talent of writing that is my God-send to help me through those difficult times. It started in my teens, and while I was going through that awkward journey to adulthood, I wrote many poems during my times of sadness, depression, rejection and loss. I am only realizing now that was a healthy way for me to cope, and it was something I took for granted. It is those same skills that have been the foundation for my work these past years. Putting my thoughts to paper, allowing my self-conscious and the will of my Higher Power to guide me, has started to bring forth wisdom in my moments of clarity. But all these comes from the foundation of darkness I had to go through first in order to need to work my way back towards the light.

Affirmation

I acknowledge that it is through pain and suffering I am prepared to experience the better things that will follow, and to appreciate them all the more. I will look to my talents to help me navigate the stormy waters.

March 5

”Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we are hurting or we will never know what is waiting for us around the bend.” Brigitte Nicole

So recovery teaches me to take things a step at a time. To get up each day and work my program. To work through all my issues one by one. To focus on the next day, hour, or minute as the case may be. The importance is the journey, that I continue to focus on Progress Not Perfection. This takes a great deal of trust and faith in my Higher Power. I have to surrender to His will, and accept that He will guide me in the right direction. In following the plans of the God of my understanding, I believe that there are great things waiting for me around the bend. I believe that it is through my suffering that I am encouraged to grow. It is from the pain that I learn to experience greater joy and beauty in the world around me. I know that taking the steps, sometimes blindly, is the right thing to do when I let myself be led by my Source. I will continue my journey no matter what it takes.

Affirmation The path that I have be given to have follow have many surprises along the way. I trust that my Higher Power knows what is best for me and has reasons for all that I experience.

November 8

”Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4

My recovery has certainly been about building character. I have done a pretty good job at destroying a lot of the good things in my life. The best gift my addiction has given me has been the suffering, the depths of despair that have driven me to want to change my ways, to seek to have a better life. Having hit bottom has pushed me to preserve, to continue work at my recovery because I know what the alternative is. I fear going back into my addiction, in picking up where I left off, as I know that path leads to my eventual destruction. So this is now motivation for me to pursue the 12 Steps at all costs, because the price of failure is no longer acceptable. But my recovery is not based in fear, even if that is a motivating force. My recovery is based in hope, in the experience and strength that I see in other members at meetings, and even occasionally recognize in myself. I know my character is being rebuilt, and that my suffering and perseverance are propelling me into a closer relationship with my Higher Power.

Affirmation I accept that recovery will expose me to increased suffering, but that this is part of the cycle for me to grow stronger and closer to God.

October 31

”Affliction is often that thing which prepares an ordinary person for some sort of an extraordinary destiny.” CS Lewis

I am learning a good deal about the hero’s journey, a common theme in literature where someone “normal” is pushed into a great adventure, usually after suffering a tragic loss of some kind. I do agree with Mr. Lewis that affliction is often a catalyst for change, for an undertaking of significant magnitude that often escapes someone at the start of the journey. My path into recovery is certainly a very personal example that only arose from tragedy. Along this path I have had tasks to face to confront my fears, acknowledge my weakness and to solidify my strengths. I have met wise advisors, and enemies along the way who have attempted to thwart my progress. Through it all, however, I have had to make many hard choices to continue following the right path. I know I am not yet at the end of this adventure, nor am I certain what the goal or treasure I seek to attain may be when I reach the destination. I do, however, have faith that there is a greater purpose for the road I am following and that the reward is worth the strife I face along the way.

Affirmation I recognize pain and suffering as teachers, as motivation for change and movement to a new and better direction of my life.

January 5

”One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it unless it has all been suffering, nothing but suffering.” Jane Austen

The past was a place where for quite some time all I found was suffering, especially when I was near the bottom of my acting out. There was little hope, only pain, frustration, loss and despair. It took time as I moved into recovery to start finding positive things in my present, let alone in my past. Yet with time, as I have progressed through the steps and taken stock of who I am and all that I have done, I have found a more balanced life than I believed existed. While it’s true my primary focus for many years was my addiction and all the negativity that surrounded it, I can also see there were positives and accomplishments I made during those years as well. My scale was not 100% “evil” or “monster” like my addict tries to make believe. Suffering has had its place but I am now capable to find joy, happiness, success and achievement intermingled amongst all the rest when I look back at my life. It is by focusing on the good things that I can strive to be better today. I cannot change the past, but I have the power to choose which parts of it will influence me and help me as I live for today. I can decide to shed the negative skin and leave it behind me where it belongs.

Affirmation I do no need to be simply a product of my past. I have the power to be the person I want to be today, in recovery, by the grace of God.

July 20

”The world is full of suffering. It is also full of the overcoming of it.” Helen Keller

It is a difficult thing for me to see someone I care about in pain or in a bad situation when I know I cannot rescue that person from their misery. It is a painful reminder of how those close to me may have felt for all the years I was in my own active addiction. There was nothing anyone could have said or done to have made me seek help; that moment had to wait until I was truly ready for change and a way out of my compulsive and destructive behaviour. I feel blessed each time I partake in a meeting as I always hear a bit of both sides; something about the addict who is still suffering along with the experience, strength and hope from those who are overcoming it. Often members, including myself, share both parts. I am grateful for this constant reminder that there is hope, that my despair can be transformed into faith, my sadness to joy, my shame and guilt to integrity and a renewed sense of self-worth. My eyes have been opened to the power of the program even though I am aware that a long road of recovery that lies before me. I no longer suffer alone, and on the same hand, I have found a common group of men and women who promote faith and hope that will help to see me through the darker times.

Affirmation Today I will recall my suffering and reflect on the hope I have discovered from within the fellowship.

June 11

”Man cannot remake himself without suffering.” Alexis Carrel

I believe nothing is free in this life and those things that we have to suffer for the most are usually those that we most appreciate. Things that come easy are too simply forgotten or taken for granted. I look back on my life and choices, and I can see that those times where I had to make the hard decisions, to face my responsibility and to confront situations rather than turning away are the times that have meant the most to me in the long term. It’s never fun to have to fumble through life, but I think life is meant to be a struggle. I don’t think we are here to enjoy it as much as to learn. We seem to learn best in adversity. This train of thought reminds me of the movie The Matrix, where one of the computer avatars is explaining that the first version of the matrix was utopian, but it did not sufficiently stimulate the humans, which is why the second version was filled with pain, strife, struggle and the pursuit of happiness. We need to suffer before we can grow.

Affirmation I may not relish the strife in my life today, but there is a positive aspect in that it is an opportunity for growth.