April 22

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” William James

There are days where it feels like I am simply going through the motions. In times like this I usually do not feel like I am being useful or productive, that what I do makes a difference. I need to take the time when I feel like this to pause and reflect. Those feelings of not being worthwhile or doing things of purpose are ways my addiction lies to me to diminish my worth and esteem. The tape playing in my head is all too often negative and critical. I have found my meditation and work in learning tools of mindfulness helps to calm that noise, to centre myself and to remember that I am much more than those thoughts try to suggest.  I have also learned that because I am my own worst critic, I often need to rely on others for a more honest opinion of who I am. People I trust are there to remind me of the good things I do, the contributions I make, the talents and qualities that I have to offer the world. This is a great place for me to turn so that I can be reminded that I do indeed matter, and that I am making a difference in the world.

Affirmation

I will be aware when my thoughts turn grey and negative today, pause, reflect, and remember that I more and worthy. I matter.

March 30

"I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.” Duke Ellington

I find this a fascinating concept - taking the energy that I might use to pout (or worry, or complain, or whatever else) and then use that to fuel an activity which is more productive. In fact, upon reflection, that is often the case when I write, especially these meditations. I was searching for a quote about grey skies when the above quote presented itself - why you may ask? Well, because I am currently feeling a little blue myself.      Yet in spite of that feeling, I am channeling the energy into something creative. Using this space, the medium, to work through those grey feelings. I very often do not know what direction my writing will take me, but I have gained faith that this is a healthy tool of my recovery, and that my Higher Power has a strong hand in guiding the words that will fall onto the page. More often than not, the words have served as reminder to me months or even years later. There's little denying a divine purpose when these moments occur.     Even better, although only minutes have passed since I began to write this meditation, I can already feel my attitude and state of being changing. I am more positive, I have a small sense of accomplishment of having created something useful. There is also a certain sense of victory for having faced my feelings but also having dealt with them in a constructive fashion. Just another step of progress along the winding road of recovery.

Affirmation

I can channel my negative energies into something positive, make a concerted effort to create something good out of them.

October 14

”Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” Corrie Ten Boom

Choices are the cornerstone of my world. There are those which propel me forward and those which help to keep me mired in the muck. Worry is one of the latter. It is something I am recognizing that serves no purpose other than to have me dwell incessantly on past mistakes or a future that has not yet come. Both of these have the same result, which is taking me away from today and from acting in the moment. Worry is also a root of other negative states, like anxiety, fear, desperation, frustration, sorrow and even depression. It saps my time and energy to focus on those things within my control. Worry is very much about spending, or wasting, time on all the multitude of things which are outside my control. A good place for the Serenity Prayer to help me regain my bearings. Just like my circles teach me to surround myself with healthy activities, I also need to consciously seek healthy states of mind. I agree that there will be times when situations evoke less pleasant emotions, and that it is important for me to experience them and get through those moments. However, those should not be my predominant feelings to help me along my way. I recognize that life is not a steady state, but filled with highs and lows, yet I do have the ability to wallow in my states of despair and sadness, or to find the courage to find the joy and happiness in life. My Higher Power is always there to lend me the strength to get back to living my life rather than merely passing from moment to moment.

Affirmation

Just like there are days when it is difficult to get out of bed, so too are there days when it will be hard to put a smile on my face. Yet even this is a choice, and I can choose to see the light of the day rather than the shadow that falls behind me.

January 22

“Don’t waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of good.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Even in my recovery I can spend too much time in my negativity. Not only for what I have done or what I am not doing, but also just for always seeing the bad side of life’s events. I am coming to realize that focusing on the negative aspects and brooding over the problem does little to make me feel better or move me towards a solution. It is some mental reprogramming that I need to put in place to erase all the pessimism that ruled my former thinking. The tool of affirmations is helping me to move in a better direction and to see things in a more positive light. It is a learning process that does not come naturally for me. It takes a conscious effort to build this into my program of recovery, including reciting them in front of the mirror. It is a recurring theme in my step work as well. The flip side of all that negativity is gratitude. This is another place I need to work at and find and count my blessings. In my daily prayer I make an effort to list 3-5 things that I am thankful for, no matter how big or small. It is all part of improving my attitude and outlook on life.

Affirmation I can learn to look on the bright side of life and let go of darkness that used to predominate. There is a gift to be found in every situation.

January 5

”One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it unless it has all been suffering, nothing but suffering.” Jane Austen

The past was a place where for quite some time all I found was suffering, especially when I was near the bottom of my acting out. There was little hope, only pain, frustration, loss and despair. It took time as I moved into recovery to start finding positive things in my present, let alone in my past. Yet with time, as I have progressed through the steps and taken stock of who I am and all that I have done, I have found a more balanced life than I believed existed. While it’s true my primary focus for many years was my addiction and all the negativity that surrounded it, I can also see there were positives and accomplishments I made during those years as well. My scale was not 100% “evil” or “monster” like my addict tries to make believe. Suffering has had its place but I am now capable to find joy, happiness, success and achievement intermingled amongst all the rest when I look back at my life. It is by focusing on the good things that I can strive to be better today. I cannot change the past, but I have the power to choose which parts of it will influence me and help me as I live for today. I can decide to shed the negative skin and leave it behind me where it belongs.

Affirmation I do no need to be simply a product of my past. I have the power to be the person I want to be today, in recovery, by the grace of God.

July 8

”The stars are constantly shining, but we often do not see them until the dark hours.” Earl Riney

I know I am a natural at seeing the negative in myself and situations that I am in but have a much harder time trying to see the bright side. Yet I can readily do this for someone else. Some days I wonder why I can’t simply look in the mirror and do likewise; it would be a nice chance to follow my own advice. The truth of the matter is that I spent too many years in my addiction, feeling less than. All the shame gave me the impression that I was broken, I was bad, and I was just built to do things wrong. That is a hard preconception of myself to change. I am learning, slowly, to find the positive, the strengths, talents and abilities that can be used to lead a better, healthier life. I feel less ashamed and putting a name to my issue has helped be to realize that I was not born flawed, not destined to be an addict. Rather I have the capacity to practice good moral behaviour, or less than desirable ones, yet it is a choice. My addiction negatively influenced my ability to make good decisions. Staying sober by working the program and reconnecting to my spiritual power will restore my capacity to make better decisions. The good and the bad in me are always present. My goal in recovery is to use the tools to stay on the right path and to believe in the power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity.

Affirmation Just for today I will focus on my strengths and not worry about my flaws. I can take pride in my talents and abilities.