January 26

”Look far, and see the end from the beginning.” Chinese Proverb

Recovery has taught me the value of living in the present, of letting go of the past that I can no longer change or influence and shopping all my worrying about the future. What matters is where I am right here, right now and how I choose to live and be in this very moment. Another aspect of time and looking ahead certainly comes from those moments when I am triggered. Learning how to “play the tape to the end”, to realize where my initial thoughts and actions are destined to lead me, what the ultimate action and behaviours will be, who I will hurt in the process and how I will feel about the outcome and myself afterwards as I try to escape or avoid whatever problem I am facing has greatly helped reduce my desire to act out or feed my addiction in any way. Seeing the end when I have only let that first droplet fall into the pond provides me with insight to see the ripple effect and how it is likely to damage my serenity and produce other negative effects. Early prevention and intervention saves me for a lot of headaches further down the line if I continue along with my addictive patterns.

Affirmation I am grateful for my increased awareness that can help me to take a different direction earlier and earlier in those times when I find myself triggered.

December 11 (53)

”Music hath charm to soothe a savage beast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.” William Congreve

Music was a problem in my early recovery. Listening to most popular music I was made painfully aware how much current music is filled with sexual reference and innuendo.  Then there is the rest of it where it is not even hidden, but about cheating on others, affairs, casual encounters, or any other number of sex-related topics. I found myself having to constantly switch stations to avoid music that triggered me. Eventually I ended up turning back to country music, something I used to listen to a great deal in my youth and early adulthood. I found solace in that music and multiple songs that spoke to me and helped to keep me in a better headspace. Eventually my tastes changed even more after a fellow member from my step study group directed me to a Christian music station. I was leery at first, but have been a regular listener since. I have not only found great messages and spiritual healing in the songs, but also in the topic shows as well as the ministry that I hear from time to time. There always seems to be a message that I hear when I need it most. As the saying goes, God works in mysterious ways and I am grateful that I am open to recognizing and receiving these messages.

Affirmation I will find my Higher Power’s guidance in many places: music, entertainment, and popular culture if I am open to exploring new things.

November 23 (71)

”The best fighter is never angry.” Lao Tzu

I remember early in recovery hearing a good number of members talking about their issues with anger. I didn’t think it was a problem for me personally, probably until I started working the 4th step, and had it reconfirmed as I made my list of people I had harmed in my 8th. Anger may not have been one of my key triggers or reactions but it still had played a part. It was usually brought out at the wrong time at the wrong person for reasons nowhere near related to the situation at hand. In short, most of my anger in my life has been misplaced or misdirected or both. That being the case, it doesn’t really matter how often I got angry if it was not justified. I am thankful to have gained a new perspective and that more and more often I manage to keep my initial reactions in check, acknowledge my emotions, and then choose to act without either repressing my feelings or transferring them to someone else. It’s still a work in progress but I am witnessing steady improvement. It has taken a great deal of courage, work and effort to incorporate emotions back into my life. The most important part of my journey has been rebuilding the road between my head and my heart, but certainly worth every inch.

Affirmation I may not relate to everything that other members share, but will come to see things in a new light as my own recovery progresses.