November 27

”Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the 'who' you want people to think you are.” Carl Whitaker

I like the definition, but for me it needs to go a small, but important step further. More than not being able to get away with the persona I tried to portray, it is fundamentally that this façade I wanted people to accept not being in harmony with my own values, beliefs and morals. The person I was seeing in the mirror and trying to get everyone else to believe was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty all meant to distract them from the hidden life of my addiction. So for me, shame is about living a life where I am not being true to myself. I recall in therapy coming to the realization that I hadn’t taken an honest look at myself in the mirror in a long time. It was only ever a cursory glance to make sure that the “mask” was in place. I’ve made a point since to take a moment to truly look myself in the eyes and to see the person who is gazing back. In my addiction I could not do that as I wasn’t happy with who I was, even before I would have admitted it. So shame was a part of the makeup I applied on a daily basis to cover up the darkness of my compulsive addictive behaviours. Guilt was woven into the clothes I wore. Lies bedecked me like rusted jewellery. And I thought no one would notice. I wasn’t as good at hiding as I imagined, but more fortunate that people didn’t know how to react, or simply preferred to ignore it so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. In the end, I reached a point where the disguise no longer sufficed and had to be thrown away, the shame left in the past, the guilt tucked back in the closet, and the lies thrown in the trash. It’s so much easier just being me.

Affirmation I no long live to “get away” with things. Secrecy leads to shame and guilt. Honesty is required for me to be at peace with who I am, and how I interact with the rest of the world.

August 27

”Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what your do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

I am more conscious when my life is in harmony; when I feel content with who I am right here, right now. Becoming honest with myself, connecting with my feelings, and being able to speak my mind appropriately give me a new sense of living that feels healthy and whole. I am more often able to be in a state of mind where I feel at peace with myself and connected to my Higher Power and the world around me. Even though parts of me know better, I still have moments where I need to learn the hard way. I will speak to the wrong person, say the wrong thing or have an inappropriate thought. But by the grace of God, as I understand Him, I  now feel how incongruent these behaviours are and recognize that I have indeed changed. I’ll still have to handle the consequences of what I have said or done, but in most cases the lesson has been learned. I am moving forward in my recovery and moving beyond my mistakes. Harmony in my life ebbs and flows like most things. How well I work my program and take care of myself and my basic needs are all factors that I can control to improve my current condition. As long as I keep focusing on the small things I will be much more prepared to face the bigger challenges.

Affirmation May my thoughts, words, and actions match for today. I will be open to my Higher Power working through me.

July 18

”The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose.” HadaBejar

I see two sides to how I choose to act, but really both encompass the idea of karma. If I do things the right way, treat others like I would like to be treated, then eventually my good deeds will come back to me. I also feel the opposite is true, if I mistreat and use others, I expect that negativity to come back to me in some form or another as well. What remains is my choice; do I give a rose or a thistle? There is more depth – true giving or sharing of myself is done because I want and I am able to share. Yet giving because I expect to get something in return is selfish and does not really match the definition of true sharing. The motivation behind my actions is as important as the act itself. This really goes back to living in harmony with my thoughts, words and deeds. When all is in sync I am being genuine and authentic and others will notice. Moving forward in recovery without my secret double life is required to finding my true self and becoming a better person. All this work also helps clear the way for an improved relationship with my Higher Power. The program is restoring the fragrance in my hand as I share my recovery with others.

Affirmation I will be conscientious of my actions today and keep them in line with my thoughts and feelings.