November 27

”Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the 'who' you want people to think you are.” Carl Whitaker

I like the definition, but for me it needs to go a small, but important step further. More than not being able to get away with the persona I tried to portray, it is fundamentally that this façade I wanted people to accept not being in harmony with my own values, beliefs and morals. The person I was seeing in the mirror and trying to get everyone else to believe was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty all meant to distract them from the hidden life of my addiction. So for me, shame is about living a life where I am not being true to myself. I recall in therapy coming to the realization that I hadn’t taken an honest look at myself in the mirror in a long time. It was only ever a cursory glance to make sure that the “mask” was in place. I’ve made a point since to take a moment to truly look myself in the eyes and to see the person who is gazing back. In my addiction I could not do that as I wasn’t happy with who I was, even before I would have admitted it. So shame was a part of the makeup I applied on a daily basis to cover up the darkness of my compulsive addictive behaviours. Guilt was woven into the clothes I wore. Lies bedecked me like rusted jewellery. And I thought no one would notice. I wasn’t as good at hiding as I imagined, but more fortunate that people didn’t know how to react, or simply preferred to ignore it so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. In the end, I reached a point where the disguise no longer sufficed and had to be thrown away, the shame left in the past, the guilt tucked back in the closet, and the lies thrown in the trash. It’s so much easier just being me.

Affirmation I no long live to “get away” with things. Secrecy leads to shame and guilt. Honesty is required for me to be at peace with who I am, and how I interact with the rest of the world.