November 13

”Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.” Nico Lang

This evokes a strong reminder about some of my defects of character. Not to be stereotypical, but being a male and having been raised to believe that my emotions were not meant to felt, shared or expressed had some obvious effects on my emotional maturity. One of which has been that my coping mechanism has been to isolate, avoid and escape not only my feelings, but those of others. This has certainly created challenges in many of my relationships. This is a growth area for me, one place where I need to recognize when I am withdrawing from the world and leading me to realize when I need to just be in the moment to experience my own feelings or to be there to support a friend or loved one in the midst of their own emotionally-charged situation. I have lost many relationships due to this lack of empathy and it’s a mistake I would rather not repeat. There are many losses from my past that I may never rectify and relationships where the bridges may not be mended. I am working to maintain those relationships I have today which are important, nurturing and genuine to keep them around and to improve my relationship skills. Yet another place where my goal is progress and not perfection.

Affirmation

I will be open to recognizing those moments that make me uncomfortable, with myself or others, examine my emotions and take steps not to run away and to be there to support my own recovery and the lives of those who matter to me.

September 14

”A hug is a smile with arms, a laugh with a stronger grip.” Terri Guillemets

There is a special power in a physical and intimate connection with another human being. I used to think this only meant a sexual connection, but I am beginning to see there are many different shades of intimacy. I have been able to establish friendships with members of the opposite sex, without fear of attraction or crossing the line. At the same time, I have also been working on developing closer relationships with people of the same sex, and finally moving behind the casual into deeper connections where we can discuss very personal things. I have many good friends now, and I have more and more opportunities to be hugged. There is a lot involved in a good hug, and I can sense the other person’s authenticity, caring, strength and love. I try to focus on similar things so that they are shared and felt by the person I am hugging. It is a transfer of energy, and a building of closeness. It is another reminder that I am not alone. And even if I am alone, well, I can always hug myself. I experienced a workshop activity where I was given an opportunity to do some reconciliation with my inner child. During the process, because it felt like the right thing to do, I hugged myself and gentle caressed my own face and ran my fingers through my hair. It was a unique experience in taking the time to appreciate myself, and give some much needed self-care in a way I have never done. It was also a reminder that I need to love myself and take care of all my aspects, and that I don’t, and shouldn’t, have to rely on others to meet my needs all the time.

Affirmation

Intimacy is something that can be learned. I need to learn to be intimate with myself, and intimate in other ways than just sexually with others.

September 7

”My story isn’t sweet and harmonious, like invented stories. It tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dreams, like the lives of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.” Hermann Hesse

Wow, what a quote. For me it sums up perfectly life before and after admitting that I had an addiction. Life before was a fairy tale that I was trying very hard to continue to believe, pursue, and make a reality. Life since admitting I had a problem has been a wild rollercoaster ride through some pretty wicked weather. And this life is reality that I am learning to accept as it is, rather than pretend it is something else. Life is, and always has been, about choices. My past was filled of choices of avoidance, blaming, running away, or ignoring the truth. It focused on immediate and instant gratification; it did not care about the long term, or the consequences of my actions. It was short-sighed, selfish and very exclusive. My present is about acceptance, forgiveness, honesty, staying in the moment and trust. It is focused on real relationships, genuine connections with myself, my Higher Power, and other human beings. It cares about the moment, knowing that if I am doing well here, the future will take care of itself. It does worry about consequences and how my decisions and actions affect those around me. It has selfish aspects in terms of making my recovery and personal relationship a priority, but it seeks to balance that with all the other parts of my ever-expanding horizon of reality, which is very inclusive. All because I no longer wish to lie to myself, which makes me content to not have a life which is sweet and harmonious.

Affirmation

Reality is a mix of ups and downs, highs and lows, good, bad and sometime ugly moments. But reality is the better option, so God Bless the Mess.

July 17

”Sex is emotion in motion.” Mae West

I am starting to question what sex, or the act of making love, means to me and how it might differ from my partner’s views. There are some obvious answers her, that it’s a means to procreate, it’s an act of intimacy and that it is a physical/emotional/psychological release of energy. But going to a deeper, but maybe simpler view – What purpose does it have in my relationships? So why do I have sex? Part of the answer is that it’s pleasurable, both for me and my partner. I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure, as I assume my partner does as well. It is a part of intimacy, which for me is about bringing two people closer together. It is an act of vulnerability and a place where we can connect in a deep and personal way with each other, in many different senses. It is sometimes part of reconciliation after a disagreement or argument. And even occasionally a reward or present as part of a special occasion like an anniversary or holiday event. This still doesn’t answer the whole picture of what it does though. It can build trust and strengthen my relationship. It is yet another aspect of my partner where I can learn likes and dislikes, and share my own. It can be a place to heal wounds from the past. It can also be a place of creativity and wonder. When I am in a good place, sex can be a healthy component of my life. It will enhance my connection to my partner and be part of our quality time together. It nurtures the physical, spiritual and emotional portions of our lives.

Affirmation

Sex is an essential part of being a couple, and it is something to be cherished, respected and appreciated.

April 5

”Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.” Benjamin Franklin

Finances are one of my big triggers. I wish I could say that it’s been the stress of having too much money, but rather it’s been the opposite. I am glad it is one of the many relationships in my life that I am learning to deal with in healthier ways. A recent workshop put my new views of wealth to the test. All the participants we asked in advance to choose the denomination of a bill that they felt best represented their personal value and to bring it to the event. This made me think for a few days about how much I felt I was worth. I am happy that, in the end, I decided that I wasn’t able to compare myself to a dollar figure. I recognized that I am worth more than money and that I couldn’t equate myself to a price. I won’t spoil the rest of the exercise by sharing it here, but I was enlightened by my personal experience, and by those shared by the other participants. It opened my eyes to see how differently money affects people and the influence it can have in one’s life. I am happy that this is a place where I regularly turn things over to my Higher Power and let go.

Affirmation

Today I will be thankful for those things in my life that have true value and be wary of worshipping false idols.

March 13

”Any act often repeated soon forms a habit; and habit allowed, steady gains in strength, At first it may be but as a spider's web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel.” Tryon Edwards

Earning someone’s trust is a long journey. It takes many small acts, continued open and honest communication, and lots of patience. It is very delicate like building an intricate spider web. It is as fragile, easily torn by the smallest negligence, harsh word, or inappropriate act. It is through constant work that extra layers can be added to the web of trust, making it more resilient and less likely to break. Even though I am now in a new relationship with someone who was not with me during my darkest points, the past still leaves a taint. The uncertainty of me slipping back into my old ways creates tension and a hidden stress that I don’t always see in my partner. I need to be sensitive to this aspect of our relationship and to even be forward enough to talk about it first so as not to allow seeds of worry to grow and fester. I have faith in myself and my program of recovery. I am confident in my step work, the progress I continue to make, my sobriety and I have fewer doubts about falling back to my old patterns. But that in of itself doesn’t necessarily transfer to those around me; those are other relationships that require their own time and effort to nurture.

Affirmation I will continue all the small things to keep building my webs of trust and to improve my relations, with myself and others.

March 10

”We live in deeds, not years: in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.” Aristotle

Highly emotional settings are still a challenge for me. Weddings, funerals, large family gatherings and the like can situations that want to overwhelm me. It is a struggle to find balance and to have enough of my own space…or to have too much by isolating from others. There is also the fact that some of these events can trigger things from my past like a failed relationship, someone whom I have lost, or some other significant happening. Any of these can take me away from the present moment. It may also be part of my grieving that is still not quite finished. Hearing words like “what God has joined, let no man break asunder” can take me back to feeling like I have not lived up to expectations. There are many challenges to my beliefs and morals, and I can find myself questioning if I have made the best decisions. In the end I need t be aware of the state that I am in, and allow myself the time and space to feel my feelings, to just sit with my emotions and let them percolate through my system. They are there to be experienced and appreciated for what they are. I can recognize what they make me think about and what I am discovering in re-examining past events. This is all about getting to know myself better and become more ready to accept myself for all that I am.

Affirmation When a flood of emotions is upon me, let me find the courage to let them flow through me and learn all that I can to love myself even more.

February 24

”It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” George Washington

I’m not sure it’s always better to be alone. I spent many years being bad company to myself, without the help of anybody else. I was quite capable of finding ways to keep myself occupied and mostly in ways that I am not proud to share now. My addiction liked to keep me isolated as that was part of keeping me under control. On the other hand, being in poor company is not necessarily a better option. Peer pressure can have a big impact on affecting how I act and the choices that I make. Getting caught up in the momentum of a party or group setting can encourage me to engage in activities that I wouldn’t normally consider. This is why part of me recovery program focuses on the people I keep in my entourage. From those I have met in the program, to family and friends, I have needed to evaluate which relationships are nurturing from those which are toxic. These influences have the ability to strengthen or weaken my resolve and determination to stick with my steps and my path of sobriety.

Affirmation Relationships play a huge part in maintaining my program of recovery, and I will seek to keep the healthy ones going. I will resolve to let the poor influencers go their own way.

February 6

”Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.” Mahatma Gandhi

Sometimes I wonder why it seems that the people whom I love the most are also the ones who seem most able to drive me crazy. It strikes me that this does not compute logically. Yet, from an emotional view for certain, it does tend to be the case. The people I let closest to me, to my heart, to my desires, to my weaknesses and fears, also gain an ability to frankly, bug the heck out of me at times. There’s a lesson here for me though. The fact that this closeness creates conflict is often more a reflection of something in myself that is bothered, than what is being said or done by the other person. In letting my guard down, I open myself to let my defects of character spring forth. I need to be willing to recognize this and then look to work at turning them over to my Higher Power. Love is indeed humble. True love seeks to offer compassion, caring, nurturing. It is about giving and sharing. It is selfless, free, and without boundary. It has the power to bring out the best, and sometimes worst, in me, but this is only to help me become more aware and to allow me to continue to grow.

Affirmation I will learn to cherish my close relationships that will shed a light on my defects. This is another catalyst and opportunity for change.

January 27

”Love's gift cannot be given, it waits to be accepted.” Rabindranath Tagore

Love is a challenging subject. Falling in love after separation was not something I planned or expected to happen as soon as it did. Even though I have spent a good deal reading about true love, it’s another thing trying to put it into practice. This has been further complicated by the simple fact that I have spent to many years deny any and all emotions, good or bad. So learning how to show my feelings of any sort is not something that comes naturally. I have had to play some serious catch-up with my emotional maturity. And like learning anything, I am making mistakes along the way. I do believe that I have found a loving relationship with a wonderful woman. Someone whom I am fully aware of, and that I accept as she is. In turn, I am confident that she feels the same about me. We are honest, genuine and authentic with ourselves and with each other. This vulnerability is at the same time exhilarating and frightening. There is room for great hope and joy, but also the risk of a deep hurt. I pray that it is God’s will that we stay together for many years of good times, and few struggles.

Affirmation In surrendering myself to the will of my power greater than myself, I open myself to the possibility of receiving many precious gifts.

December 8

”A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” George Bernard Shaw

Family means a lot of different things for me these days. It’s a reconnection to my parents after years of ignoring them. It’s a loss of family through my separation and divorce, and unfortunately some of my kids. It’s been an increased in time with some the rest of my children, and a relationship that is being nurtured and making up for past neglect. And it’s also newness as I have moved into a new partnership with additional children in the picture. So I suppose that I shouldn’t be too surprised to find my feelings a little mixed up most of the time. There have been a lot of changes in my life the past couple of years, and family has been something central to those changes. I am content that in many respects, my family is moving towards a happier and stable aspect. Yet there are still moments it is bittersweet as I cannot forgot what was lost to bring me here. Change still means letting go of things, having the willingness to acknowledge that certain paths in my life have drawn to a close. Dealing with loss can still be a challenge, and relationships are something that have an emotional impact. Yet I know that in my recovery I am moving in a better direction in all my interactions and that I am a better person to share my life with others.

Affirmation Bonds can be strengthened or broken, but the ones that remain as I live my recovery can only benefit by my continuing work.

3 June

”It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Ursula K. LeGuin

Starting a new relationship has been the start of a new leg of my journey. This is a path where I could not imagine what the future would or could hold as it began. But as time goes on I am beginning to be able to see things I would like to see happen in the future. Yet I have to be cautious about focusing too much on the future as it can take me away from the present. A new romantic relationship is a complicated endeavour of its own accord. Add in children on both sides of the equation, and it quickly can seem overwhelming. It is taking a good deal of effort on my own part to continue living day by day, and keeping my awareness of all the people involved, not only my own selfish interests. I am grateful to be developing a relationship with a person who I am totally honest with, who supports me in my recovery and especially in my spirituality. I am thankful that my Higher Power has brought this person into my life and that I am working at growing a healthy connection with another person. All this change within from the steps has crossed boundaries in how I can tackle this new intimacy. The adventure awaits!

Affirmation There is much for me to learn in all that is new, and I will be willing to move slowly and enjoy the ride, rather than wanting to fast-forward to the ending.

January 24

”They do not love who do not show their love.” William Shakespeare

It has been a hard transition falling out of love with my former spouse, and even more difficult in trying to deal with the fact that I am no longer loved by them but even worse not even respected. This has made it difficult to face the prospect and procedure of divorce, to act jointly as parents, and a number of other things. I need to seek information from third parties as I cannot get it directly from the other parent who has a responsibility to keep me informed. Yet through all this I have faced up to the struggles and continue to let go of what is not mine. I still act out of respect, still keep my former mate informed of the things they should know, and still continue to act as I want to be treated. For all those things that I want to say because I feel hurt, disrespected, angry or rejected, well those I share with fellow members or put in a special journal to my ex that if spoken I know would simple fall on deaf ears. I still have love to share so I focus on giving it to those more willing and receptive to it. Perhaps in time things will improve, but for now this is how things are and I accept the reality of my situation.

Affirmation I accept that my recovery only promises to restore me to sanity, and not those around me. I will continue to surrender what I cannot control to God.

December 28

”Only those who do nothing make no mistakes.” Anonymous

Putting my heart out there in a new relationship has not been an easy task. Coming out of a marriage that was broken, into a single life later in my life was daunting to say the least. Having started to date and having found a steady partner has led to its own set of challenges. One thing I know that was important for me, right from the start, was to be fully open and honest. So my disclosure on the first encounter was a testament to my acceptance of my addiction and my willingness to be different in any new relationships. Moving on in a romantic setting has taken a willingness to make mistakes, and more importantly to put myself in a position of being vulnerable. Exposing my past, openly expressing my thoughts and emotions, and letting another person get close to me means taking the risk that I might get hurt. Yet for the first time in my life I feel I am starting off from a healthy place, where I know who I am, that I am whole in mind, body, and spirit. Through all this, my main priority is still to remain committed to my recovery. I know that I need to take care of me first, to make sure my program takes precedence if I am to be available to participate fully in anyone else’s life. Therefore my routine needs to continue, I have to keep going to meetings, reaching out and practice my prayer and meditation. All this will help keep me focused and minimize mistakes I will make by not living in the moment.

Affirmation Today and for always my recovery must come first if I truly want to be there for others and be of service.

December 2 (62)

”When you choose your friends, don’t be short-changed by choosing personalities over character.” W. Somerset Maugham

Letting go of past relationships as I move forward in my recovery has been challenging to say the least. Nowhere has this been more apparent than in my marriage, which unfortunately did not survive my exploits from my acting out. The more I have learned about myself, the more I have realized how much I neglected my former spouse, how much the addiction replaced the love and intimacy and broke apart a relationship that part of me truly wanted to work. Moving forward into life being single after more than a decade of being half a couple has been a transition that I face with mixed emotions. Letting go of someone I love is not as easy nor quick journey. Nor have I fully prepared myself to find someone else. Matters of the heart have never integrated well with my addiction, but I have hopes that my new awareness will carry me far as long as I am working to be in recovery today. I do have an opportunity to learn from my past and I am certainly better prepared to look for people of character to become a part of my life. I may have short-changed others in the past, but in doing so I also short-changed myself. I am worth more and deserve to find true friends to share in my life.

Affirmation I can move forward from the most broken relationships. I am capable and deserving of ones that are real, honest and loving.

August 6

”The wave is not separate from the ocean; oxygen in the water is not separate from the hydrogen; the waves is not separate from the particle; I am not separate from you. In fact nothing is separate from anything. We are one.” Lance Secretan

As much as my spouse and I are one, we are now more apart than ever. Seeing that separation as a permanent result looms ever closer, I am more and more aware of how far the divide between us has grown. I have tried in many ways to keep the bond close, communication open, but my spouse has chosen a different path and one I cannot follow and still maintain my sanity and sobriety. So my decision has to be to protect myself first and foremost so I can continue all my other responsibilities as a parent, friend, employee, etc. There are many people who will appreciate the recovering me. I will probably have some regrets, for a short while, about where our paths have led us, but in retrospect there is a lot to be thankful for as well. Sometimes things are broken beyond repair, and I know that hanging on will simply slow down or stall my own recovery. If I am not taking care of me I am of little use to anyone else. I will face the consequences of my actions, knowing that I have the support of my fellowship, my Higher Power and my family. My spouse will have to do likewise, but I cannot take on or solve their problems. I need to stay on my own path and, God willing, maybe somewhere down the line our paths will cross again when we are both healthy.

Affirmation I can face going it alone, because in reality, with God at my side and my brothers and sisters in SAA supporting me, I shall never be solitary again.

July 28

”The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” John Powell

Recovery is for me, it is about me, and in the end it affects only me. I keep being reminded of this whenever I get the expectation that working my program should improve other aspects of my life. Just as the Serenity Prayer tells me to only be concerned about the things I can change, I need to recall that those same areas are where I should anticipate change as well. Relationships, work, family – the only parts I can make better is my own role within each. I cannot change my spouse, my boss, parents, kids or siblings. While I can hope that my improvements will work towards making things better, there are no guarantees. Unfortunately recovery is a selfish process…its only target is the individual in recovery. It is slowly sinking in that my work in my program is geared towards rebuilding my relationship with my Higher Power. It is about me becoming a more genuine, authentic, loving, compassionate, caring and selfless individual. In surrendering to the God of my understanding, in turning over all those things beyond my control, I am gaining the freedom to become the person I was meant to be.

Affirmation I need to keep recovery focused on me first, worrying about how others affect me will set me up for disappointment and can trigger relapse.

July 7

”Don’t spend time beating a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.” Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I still wonder if I am putting my energy and effort into the best endeavours. There are aspects of my life, certainly my recovery where I can see the results of my actions and changes. Yet trying to carry these principles into the greater part of my world, especially my relationships, is not always evident nor does it always have the desired effect. Adding another human being to the equation seems to modify the dynamics and I wonder if I am trying to work on something that can’t be repaired, now or ever. It’s the last line of the Serenity Prayer that often seems to elude me, having the wisdom to know the difference between what I can change and what I cannot. I guess some of my problem is trying to fix everything myself on my schedule and not being open to things happening in my Higher Power’s time and according to His will. Patience is a hard virtue to practice some days. Turning back and focusing on the basics of my program, pulling out the tools and habit of my outer circle can help restore me to sanity. I need to pray and meditate and allow myself to find my way back to the right path rather than trying to fight my way through the jungle. I must surrender and accept that I am not in control.

Affirmation I will practice breathing, stepping back, letting go and any other technique to surrenderthose things beyond my control. My sanity requires it.