November 27

”Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the 'who' you want people to think you are.” Carl Whitaker

I like the definition, but for me it needs to go a small, but important step further. More than not being able to get away with the persona I tried to portray, it is fundamentally that this façade I wanted people to accept not being in harmony with my own values, beliefs and morals. The person I was seeing in the mirror and trying to get everyone else to believe was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty all meant to distract them from the hidden life of my addiction. So for me, shame is about living a life where I am not being true to myself. I recall in therapy coming to the realization that I hadn’t taken an honest look at myself in the mirror in a long time. It was only ever a cursory glance to make sure that the “mask” was in place. I’ve made a point since to take a moment to truly look myself in the eyes and to see the person who is gazing back. In my addiction I could not do that as I wasn’t happy with who I was, even before I would have admitted it. So shame was a part of the makeup I applied on a daily basis to cover up the darkness of my compulsive addictive behaviours. Guilt was woven into the clothes I wore. Lies bedecked me like rusted jewellery. And I thought no one would notice. I wasn’t as good at hiding as I imagined, but more fortunate that people didn’t know how to react, or simply preferred to ignore it so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. In the end, I reached a point where the disguise no longer sufficed and had to be thrown away, the shame left in the past, the guilt tucked back in the closet, and the lies thrown in the trash. It’s so much easier just being me.

Affirmation I no long live to “get away” with things. Secrecy leads to shame and guilt. Honesty is required for me to be at peace with who I am, and how I interact with the rest of the world.

November 16 (78)

”Because no retreat from the world can mask what is in your face.” Gregory Maguire

I do remember periods of my youth where I was teased about wearing my heart on my sleeve, where I was too sensitive. Maybe those remarks conflicted with how I saw I was supposed to be as I matured – less emotional, with a tougher skin. Yet I know that I kept some of my emotional displays throughout my life, for example I have always cried at the sad and touching parts of movies, even when at the theatre. There are other places where I should have taken notice to understand how poorly I hide my emotions. I have never been the best card player; I certainly have little aptitude for a “poker face.” So as much as  I thought I was  good at hiding my double life, I only really succeeded as well as I did by all the extra effort I put into my “good” persona while at the same time keeping everyone at arm’s length. The isolation prevented anyone from getting to know me too well. Since finding the program I have found a place where I do not have to hide my feelings. I can be myself, feel at ease being honest and open about how things are really going in my life. It is a freedom I never expected to find, being able to take off my mask and just be. This is a gift from my Higher Power and the program which I cherish.

Affirmation My emotions are an important part of who I am and I will learn to accept them and appreciate the richness they add in my life.

July 9

”There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” Edith Wharton

I think for most of my life, since it has been coupled with my addiction, I have never truly felt like I have genuinely had much to offer the world. I know I can think of brief instances where I did, but more often than not I would not have considered myself as a light in the world. Nor for that matter would I have said that I reflected light either. If anything, I probably felt more like 2-way glass, a nice shiny outside that was my public face, but on the other side it was dark, my hidden addictive self that was consciously concealed. From my addictive state I could see through the glass to the nice shiny world, but it felt phone to live in that place with all the dark secrets that caused me guilt and shame. Nowadays I am discovering my self-worth. Knowing that I am a good person, that I have things to offer, that I can contribute to the world around me lets me be a candle and spread a little light in my surroundings. I am also able to reflect the light I see in others, especially in the fellowship, and I am grateful that I am no longer peering out from the darkness behind that piece of 2-way glass.

Affirmation I will look for the good things I can share and be proud of my talents and the things I can offer to the world.

June 13

”Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Anonymous

I am learning how to be more rigorously honest, about myself and with others. Lying and keeping secrets are traits from my past that I don’t want to be part of the recovering me. It takes energy and effort to speak what is true and to express how I feel. But at the end of the day I can feel good about having lived my day with integrity and authenticity. I rarely feel like I live a double life. I see my life more like the yin-yang symbol. There is hope in my darkness that is increasing yet there still exists some darkness in all that is good. To be balanced and whole I need to recognize and accept all that the aspects of who I am. Just because the potential for me to do wrong exists within me, I can choose not to give in to those temptations and desires. When I turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power I find the strength to focus on using my outer circle behaviours, my positive traits and character assets and I live a fuller, saner and better life. At the end of the day I am accountable only to myself and my Higher Power. If I can reflect on my daily activities, rejoice in the good and learn from the bad that I have lived to the best of my ability. Progress in a positive direction is my aim.

Affirmation Living with integrity is my goal for today; I no longer care to live as a hypocrite.

March 14

”Secrecy, once accepted, becomes an addiction” Edward Teller

Someone once shared that keeping secrets is the principal way to stay in the addictive cycle. I’ve also heard other members share that their secret life was a large part of what they were addicted to; the ability to have a secondary life to escape from the pressure and stress of one’s normal life. In any event, most of us can agree that keeping secrets is not helpful or healthy in moving us towards recovery. It can be challenging to let go of our habit of keeping secrets. It has been such a large part of our identity and addiction; being able to have a self-created world where we seem to be the master. In recovery and in looking deeper within ourselves, we begin to see that our secret life is merely a delusion and its sole purpose is to feed our addictive behaviour. Honesty, primarily with yourself, is a key to changing our way of thinking and to make progress in the program. Without this change of attitude and behaviour, we are likely to struggle in removing ourselves from our secret life.

Affirmation Just for today I will keep no secrets, live in the here and now.

March 3

”Men are not prisoners of fate, but prisoners of their own minds.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

As addicts we aware of just how trapped we have been within our own minds. Living our double life we have been pushed and pulled between our two selves, struggling to maintain control of the wheel. Working the program of recovery is a journey to free our minds. The goal, the purpose of the Twelve Steps, is to gradually clear the way to a renewed connection with our Higher Power. It is in this way that we can live in peace, with the faith and trust that our Higher Power can guide us where our own willpower has failed time and time again. In opening up to the power greater than ourselves and turning over our lives, we are finally able to live a serene existence. We will discover a path back to our true selves and be able once again to be comfortable in our own skin. We will no longer live in the shadow of our addiction, but thrive in the light spread by our power greater than ourselves that emanates from within us.

Affirmation I will turn this day over to my Higher Power and let Him show me the way.

February 21

”He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.” Marcus Aurelius

As an addict we may often feel that we are living at odds with ourselves. Our wants and desires to feed our addiction normally conflict with the wants and desires of our healthy self. It can be a struggle in knowing which set of needs we are satisfying by our actions. This conflict has been compared to by some as having two wolves inside us. Each act we perform, each choice we make feeds one wolf or the other. The challenge can be in knowing which wolf we are feeding. The ideal state we seek is to be able to decide which wolf gets fed, and preferably we choose not to feed the wolf of addiction. This constant internal struggle takes place unbeknownst to most people around us. It can sap our energy to perform normal daily activities and cause us to be irritable and short on patience. Finding a place to share our state of mind, with our Higher Power, sponsor or someone in the fellowship can help us to free ourselves from the struggle and remind us that we are not alone. It is a difficult task to be ever vigilant with our internal struggle but we can have faith in the support of our program.

Affirmation I know that I must be every watchful for the motivations of my actions, and try to chose those that do not feed my addiction.

February 5

”This above all, to thine own self be true.” William Shakespeare

From that first admission that we have a problem, that first time in a meeting when we say out loud that we are a sex addict, we have embarked upon the journey to rediscovering our true self. Many of us have led our double lives for so long that we are no longer aware where our public face ends and our addictive self begins. As we progress in our recovery, we are likely to question just how much parts of both these personalities are the “real” us and we may wonder if we really even know who we want to or should be. It is in these times of self doubt that we need the support of our friends, family and our SAA group to show us the genuine person they see. We need help in finding the things we do selflessly and to begin to re-establish our values, morals, character strengths and weaknesses. In many ways we are lucky since we can choose the aspects that we really want to be part of our lives and make them part of the recovering person we are transforming into.

Affirmation Today I will look at myself through the eyes of those who care about me and strive to be that person.