August 20

”Just take this as a warning. Know that there's always a price for not being yourself.” Benilde Little

Having had some exposure to the 12 Steps before ever setting foot inside an SAA meeting, I recall being a bit concerned about how sobriety would be defined. Would it mean complete abstinence from all forms of sexual activity? Were there grace periods or certain behaviours that were deemed normal? I really had no clue. Therefore I was certainly relieved to discover that each and every member was given the opportunity to define their own abstinence, but that the program provided guidelines to help determine it. Personally, I have adopted the idea of the inner, middle and outer circles as I find it works well for defining my program of recovery. With the aid of one of my sponsors, we created an abstinence contract which defined the behaviours or activities in each circle, along with a reason as to why they had been put there. It’s a tool that helps remind me of the damage that middle and inner circle items can create, and the support and nurturing that comes from those things in my outer circle. I do remember a period where my middle circle felt less like a warning bell, and more like the list of things that I could do because “they weren’t that bad.” I soon discovered the falsity of that belief, as indulging in my middle circle quickly led me to the edge of my inner circle. Today I am more aware that finding myself in my middle circle is the alarm bell that I have strayed from the path and I am walking along the edge of a cliff. It’s not a place for me to dabble, but when I need to re-double my efforts in working my program. The edge is often closer than I think.

Affirmation

Honesty is the key step to being myself. My middle circle is a dangerous place to play and I will take any sign that I am in it seriously and seek help to move back to my outer circle.

January 3

”Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.” Carl Sagan

Absence of evidence, boy did I think I was good at covering my tracks of my acting out. I guess I was to some degree as I was able to keep taking greater and greater risks, or more likely I was just lucky. In reality I was caught red-handed more than once, but even that was not enough arrest my behaviours for more than a short period of time. The bigger problem is that my double-life, my lies, sneaking around and hidden activities only destroyed the trust of those close to me. Because I was good at keeping secrets it has made regaining that trust that much more of a challenge. I have lost relationships because the confidence could not be regained; it was and would have always remained an issue. Even still being in recovery, working my program, praying, meditating, reading, writing and all the other of my tools are not necessarily evidence of my continuing abstinence. Those who care about me have to take my sobriety on faith as I cannot provide any guarantees other than the fact that I am trying to be in recovery today. My promises are not worth much, and even less the further into the future that they extend. I need to provide continual proof that my behaviours are changing and also have to be prepared to answer any question at any time. My honest and open responses are paramount to rebuilding trust.

Affirmation I commit to being an open book. I have more to prove that I am working my program to regain the trust of those who are important in my life.