March 19

”I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” W. B. Yeats

It’s scary business being a recovering addict some days. Lifting the fog of my compulsive behaviours continues to show me how large the world around me really is, how much there is being offered, and how many things I dream and strive to realize as I set goals. Each day is a new story, a new miracle, waiting to be discovered. I am so grateful that I can dream big, that I am gaining the confidence that these dreams are not simply things that will stay in my thoughts, confined to my wandering mind, but can actually be made real. It is wonderful to know that I have the skills, resources, and willpower to take meaningful steps towards achieving my biggest wishes. In dealing with my past I am learning to push past my fears, to ignore the tape reel in my head that I am not worthy, capable or deserving of success, prosperity and happiness. I know that with my Higher Power anything is possible. I am learning how to ask for the resources, tools, and strength to pursue my dreams. I am no longer my worst enemy in preventing a happy, wholesome and hearty life. I will be all that I can be.

Affirmation My dreams may be a carpet, but I will no longer treat them as something to be walked all over. They are precious and I will cherish, nurture and achieve them.

March 17

”Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw

I remember seeing this quote around the time I started my first “real” job after university. I recall thinking that I was going to enter a workplace with a rigid structure, with set principles and practices, but that I wasn’t going to let them “break me.” By that I meant that the environment and rules wouldn’t stop me from challenging the status quo, or from looking at new or better ways to do things. After more than a decade, I think I have still managed to keep the attitude, with maybe a little more tamed enthusiasm after coming to terms with the corporate mentality and reality that change tends to be slow. I have still had and taken the opportunities I have been able to be an agent of change and to push for things to be different. It still grates me to here “you’ll do it this way because that’s the way it’s always been done.” I am grateful that this attitude also translates into my personal life, and my recovery. It is a driver for me to continue looking for ways to improve my program, to expand my horizons beyond what might be considered the “traditional” route. I firmly believe that there are many sources that can support my new ways of living, and that the 12 Steps can be worked into pretty well every aspect of my life.

Affirmation Challenging things is a good use of my intuition and talents. Today I will not afraid to ask the question “Why not?”

June 20

”If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.” J. M. Power

I can relate to feeling like I have only awoken since finding the 12-Steps and starting to come to terms with my addiction. Having lived under the influence of that obsessive and compulsive power for so many years, I was sleep-walking through life. It feels so much better to be taking a more active role in my life rather than submitting to an unknown and insatiable master. This is certainly one of the many places where my Higher Power differs greatly from the many false idols I have worshipped over the years. The God of my understanding does not try to control me, makes no demands, and is always present to support me through whatever happens. I know that this power greater than me genuinely cares, and is not selfish and self-centered like my addiction. I do feel like I have had a rebirth, been given a second chance at life. My continuing awareness allows me to connect with others, with the world around me, rather than trying to isolate and hide from everything and everyone. I am able to enjoy life and all its ups and downs, no longer content to walk around in the fog of addiction.

Affirmation I will redeem myself through my thoughts and actions today.  I will re-dream myself.

December 16

”A dream is the bearer of a new possibility, the enlarged horizon the great hope.” Kline

It still amazes me that I have regained the ability to dream. After years of living with my head filled with the sexual fantasies on a practically non-stop basis, it is odd to have that void in my thinking. Yet it is also refreshing not to have my head revolving around only acting out thoughts 24 hours a day. I never realized how much all that preoccupation stole my energy to allow me to focus on the other aspects of my life. The fantasies while I was actively in addiction felt like possibilities, like the magical answer to fix all my problems which could wash away all my pain and sorrow. Yet as I look back now, they were nothing more than pipe dreams, false wishes that sought to give me something which could never be realized, that would never live up to all the hype and advertising. They were empty lies meant to keep me searching for that perfect sexual experience which my fantasy could never deliver. True dreams are based on concrete things, hope and truth and possibility. They are meant to enhance my life, not dominate it, to encourage imagination and creation, not stifle it. My horizon in recovery is so much larger than I could ever see along that solitary track of my addictive living.

Affirmation I will find power in my dreams to improve my life, to rebuild what has be broken, and to recreate what has been lost.

December 4 (60)

”If you can dream it, you can do it.” Walt Disney

In my recovery I have finally been able to make a clear distinction between dreams and fantasies. The closest comparison I can make is between needs and wants. Dreams are about needs, about those basic things I require for a happy, healthy life. That means dreaming about love, financial stability, a good job, a secure relationship, travel – all these fall into the category of meeting a need. My fantasies are tied more closely to my wants and desires, usually in an attempt to find something outside of myself to make me feel better. Fantasies, as I am coming to comprehend them, are not meant to be realized. For it is when I take steps to bring a fantasy to fruition that I get into trouble. This is a sure sign of me trying to run my life my way and not being content with everything which has already been provided. I still think both have a place in my life. Dreams help me to set goals, to put realistic checkpoints in my future, to provide things for me to hope for and to aspire to achieve. Fantasies are a distraction, and should be treated more like entertainment, with the realization that I have to turn off the TV at some point in order to join and experience the real world around me.

Affirmation I will take back control over the subconscious thoughts that run through my head, and use them better to promote healthy thinking and goal-setting.

October 28 (97)

”Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities.”” Sue Ebaugh

What a relief it has been to get to that point in my recovery where my head is not filled only with acting our fantasies. My life in active addiction was full of dreams of that nature, or none at all. When I had several months of sobriety, more regular dreams began appearing at night, and before long my slumber was filled with the active workings of my subconscious with more “normal” visions. My dreams are also a place where I re-enact events, or explore situations that might happen and have a chance to role-play my actions and reactions. It has been a useful place where my subconscious allows me to test out new behaviours, to explore new boundaries, and to be open to new ideas. It is truly a playground when my mental state is healthier. Having my dreams return is yet another sign of progress, another indication that I am regaining my wholeness. Having a better interaction with my subconscious allows me to explore even more new and exciting possibilities.

Affirmation Dreams are another place where I can seek opportunities for growth, may I be able to pay attention to those hidden ideas.

July 23

”Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” James Dean

Dreams and fantasies…for the longest time there was little, if no difference between these concepts in my life. My addict took control of both and subverted them into mechanisms to keep m compulsive and addictive cycle going. It was rare if any of these activities of my subconscious were healthy and positive influences in my life in my acting out days. As I ventured into recovery my addiction still tried to retain its grasp in these aspects of my life, and I, admittedly, was certainly reluctant, even afraid to even consider having healthy dreams or fantasies about my life. Even trying to consider where recovery might take me seemed like an impossible endeavour. Gradually as I become aware of my thoughts and feelings, began to live through my emotions and stresses rather than escaping, balance began to return to my subconscious as well. Whereas I had gone for months with very few dreams, if any at all, slowly my nights were filled with the ponderings of my unconscious mind and nothing was related to my acting out. As the promises of my local groups keep reminding me, degrading fantasies and obsessive sexual thinking have diminished. I can dream as if the future is limitless, and as for living as if I will die today – well I am at the very least living FOR today.

Affirmation I can look at how the program is helping to restore balance in my life, even in terms of things like dreams and fantasies where my addiction used to have free reign.