July 23

”Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” James Dean

Dreams and fantasies…for the longest time there was little, if no difference between these concepts in my life. My addict took control of both and subverted them into mechanisms to keep m compulsive and addictive cycle going. It was rare if any of these activities of my subconscious were healthy and positive influences in my life in my acting out days. As I ventured into recovery my addiction still tried to retain its grasp in these aspects of my life, and I, admittedly, was certainly reluctant, even afraid to even consider having healthy dreams or fantasies about my life. Even trying to consider where recovery might take me seemed like an impossible endeavour. Gradually as I become aware of my thoughts and feelings, began to live through my emotions and stresses rather than escaping, balance began to return to my subconscious as well. Whereas I had gone for months with very few dreams, if any at all, slowly my nights were filled with the ponderings of my unconscious mind and nothing was related to my acting out. As the promises of my local groups keep reminding me, degrading fantasies and obsessive sexual thinking have diminished. I can dream as if the future is limitless, and as for living as if I will die today – well I am at the very least living FOR today.

Affirmation I can look at how the program is helping to restore balance in my life, even in terms of things like dreams and fantasies where my addiction used to have free reign.