February 4

”Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.” Albert von Szent-Gyorgi

A large part of my healing process has involved redefining who I am. The realization that I lived a double life for so many years led me to question who I was, what my values where, and what I stood  for. Just as my addiction hid my spirituality from me, it also buried many of my other beliefs and principles that were contradictory to the selfishness and single-mindedness of my compulsive behaviours. Working the Steps, especially the 4th and compiling my personal inventory, was a painful, but productive process in identifying the person I am. It also brought me to the conclusion that I have a very powerful and freeing choice, I can choose to let go of those parts of me that I don’t like, which do not support me, and carry forward with only the positive pieces. It’s within me right now to be the person I want as only I can continue to let my past pull me down. It was hard at first to take an honest look in the mirror and stop seeing that dark shadow that lurked just beneath the surface. In time, as I have continued to surrender, as I delve deeper within myself, I am coming to accept that reflection which stares back at me. I know I am worth more than how I used to see myself.

Affirmation I have the power see myself better, to define who I want to be based on today, and not upon the deeds of yesterday.

January 15

”I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.” Jonathon Swift

Guilt and shame, and even to some degree remorse, were slow to present themselves as I moved into recovery. I had spent years of living with the sense of entitlement that I could do what I wanted when I wanted as long as it only affected me. Of course I had been completely blind to all the collateral damage my addiction had inflicted on those around me. The best explanation I have for having been able to live and function that way for so many years was that the cost of my addiction was my spirit. There is no way I could live in that fashion and still maintain any real connection to my Higher Power, God, or something greater than myself that was true and pure. My addiction had to squash that and replace it, becoming the false idol that I bowed to every minute of every day. Shame and guilt for my addiction were its sustenance, what kept it alive, well and hungry for more. It has been a challenge to wean my addict off those things, but as I come to accept myself, as my Higher Power accepts me, I stop feeding the destructive force within me. In doing so, I become painfully away of just how much damage I have caused, unknowingly. Thankfully, it is never too late to begin to heal the hurt, starting with how poorly I have treated myself.

Affirmation Shame and regret can be signs I am healing and recognizing my addiction for what it truly is.