January 15

”I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.” Jonathon Swift

Guilt and shame, and even to some degree remorse, were slow to present themselves as I moved into recovery. I had spent years of living with the sense of entitlement that I could do what I wanted when I wanted as long as it only affected me. Of course I had been completely blind to all the collateral damage my addiction had inflicted on those around me. The best explanation I have for having been able to live and function that way for so many years was that the cost of my addiction was my spirit. There is no way I could live in that fashion and still maintain any real connection to my Higher Power, God, or something greater than myself that was true and pure. My addiction had to squash that and replace it, becoming the false idol that I bowed to every minute of every day. Shame and guilt for my addiction were its sustenance, what kept it alive, well and hungry for more. It has been a challenge to wean my addict off those things, but as I come to accept myself, as my Higher Power accepts me, I stop feeding the destructive force within me. In doing so, I become painfully away of just how much damage I have caused, unknowingly. Thankfully, it is never too late to begin to heal the hurt, starting with how poorly I have treated myself.

Affirmation Shame and regret can be signs I am healing and recognizing my addiction for what it truly is.