August 19

”Confidence is courage at ease.” Daniel Maher

Looking back I can see that there was a certain sense of confidence I had in my acting out periods of my life. The fact that I was so obsessed by my addiction, that I poured so much of my time and energy into, means that I actually got good at it. This is not any achievement that I am proud of, but in examining this, there are lessons I can learn to help me in recovery today. The biggest one is that in order to gain confidence in something new, it takes time, practice and effort. It means willing to risk making mistakes. It is about taking things slowly in small pieces and gradually making them bigger and more complicated. So living in recovery and working my program is a work in progress. It’s normal for it to feel awkward, to be frustrated by my lack of apparent progress and to feel like giving up. It’s only through perseverance and dedication, sticking to my guns, that I will make lasting changes. In time my confidence and self-esteem for my recovery self are going to show up. They have for me in many ways. I am able to recognize frequently when my addictive influence is trying to persuade me to go back to my old ways. This in turn allows me to act in preventative ways instead of only cleaning up after the mess. The program is returning my life to one of sanity and serenity, One Day At A Time. I am eternally grateful for my second lease on life.

Affirmation

Recovery is a learning process, a tear-down of the old me and the building up of a new one. One step at a time I will continue my transformation into the true me.

March 19

”I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” W. B. Yeats

It’s scary business being a recovering addict some days. Lifting the fog of my compulsive behaviours continues to show me how large the world around me really is, how much there is being offered, and how many things I dream and strive to realize as I set goals. Each day is a new story, a new miracle, waiting to be discovered. I am so grateful that I can dream big, that I am gaining the confidence that these dreams are not simply things that will stay in my thoughts, confined to my wandering mind, but can actually be made real. It is wonderful to know that I have the skills, resources, and willpower to take meaningful steps towards achieving my biggest wishes. In dealing with my past I am learning to push past my fears, to ignore the tape reel in my head that I am not worthy, capable or deserving of success, prosperity and happiness. I know that with my Higher Power anything is possible. I am learning how to ask for the resources, tools, and strength to pursue my dreams. I am no longer my worst enemy in preventing a happy, wholesome and hearty life. I will be all that I can be.

Affirmation My dreams may be a carpet, but I will no longer treat them as something to be walked all over. They are precious and I will cherish, nurture and achieve them.

September 29

”Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control.” Richard Kline

I am trepidatious by nature. No place is this more apparent than in the workplace. Although I am good at my job and in general a people person, I often struggle in situations where I need to lead. I try to compensate for my lack of confidence in portraying my abilities and knowledge by speaking too fast, not speaking loudly or clearly enough, and poorly articulating. Many times I feel like someone fresh out of school in a new job, rather than the experienced person that I am. It’s a bit ridiculous when I think about it after the fact. Preparation helps to some degree, but in the moment I often forget where I need to lead a discussion or what I need to say. I feel like I am being judged, that in some way I need to prove or justify my competence to being telling the group before me what needs to be discussed. Yet really all I need to do is my job; the opinions of others about me are not as important as achieving the goal. It can be hard to separate myself from my work. Some things I perceive as too much of a reflection on my person or as an attachment to my self-worth. I need to remember that my work does not define me, but is an expression of my values and ethics in a working environment.

Affirmation I can be confident in who I am and what I am capable of, knowing that my Higher Power is there to support me.

February 15

”Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

Courage comes in many forms. Courage during the process of our recovery often comes in small doses; the courage to go to our first meeting, the first time we say aloud that we are a sex addict, the first time we share in a meeting. Yet like many things, the courage in taking these small steps builds confidence and eventually leads to taking bigger steps like seeking a sponsor, sharing our first step, joining a step study group or taking on a leadership role. There is no magic recipe to our recovery. It is more often the accumulation of many small steps, small acts of recovery that lead to our eventual sexual sobriety. There is power in these tiny movements within the program. Like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, we likely only require following the yellow brick road of our recovery and experiencing small moments that will gradually rebuild our self-confidence.

Affirmation Today I will find the courage to work a small part of my recovery, that step will become a part of my continuing journey.