April 29

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” Zig Ziglar

It has been pretty clear to me in light of the current situation that my goals have shifted, rather drastically in fact. I am certain that I am not the only one going through a bit of an identity crisis as the places that I am needed and allowed to "work" has been greatly influenced. It has made me pause to reflect on what I really want to achieve in life. I still have a good solid job, waiting for me once restrictions lift and we go back to the new normal. In the meantime, however, how do I occupy my time. What "hobbies" do I focus on, are there other ways to use my skills and abilities? Is it a chance to safely explore other potential career paths? These are things that have been running through my mind. In all honesty, the jury is still out. I am weighing my options, while at the same time putting a more concerted effort into reaching out to solidify some aspects like my writing which could become something more than an occasional habit. The more important aspect for me is in realizing that this detour is still a part of the path forward to reaching the goals I want in life. Much of what is happening is beyond my control, yet that doesn't mean I do not have any control - I am still able to pick a direction and go that way. I can still choose the person I am aspiring to become.

Affirmation

Reflecting on who I am and who I wish to be can help me make the right choices today.

April 14

”Attractiveness will get you noticed, intelligence will gain you recognition but being unforgettable is based on your attitude.” Calvert Jones

I think I would like to leave behind a legacy of being unforgettable. I do believe that there is a purpose for my life, for the years I will be offered as a gift, and I hope that I make the right decisions to reach that achievement. I am confident that I have or will be provided with everything that I will need to realize that goal given to me by my Higher Power. I am not interested in being attractive or catching the attention of others. I have always believed that there was more to know about a person than simply their appearance. I don’t hold much weight for my own, not to the point of being vain, but I do enough to take care of myself. I struggle with recognition for my intelligence, my ability, my talent. I often question what right I have to share my thoughts, ideas, etc. with others. This is gradually changing, not because I am being received differently by others, but as my attitude changes. I am seeing that what I have to share is part of my path of following the will of the God of my understanding. Attitude can certainly make all the difference.

Affirmation

Life is very different depending on how I decide to approach it. Today let me face it head on, and welcome everything that comes my way.

April 12

”A brave man acknowledges the strength of others.” Veronica Roth

It never ceases to amaze me what I learn about myself from the most unexpected moments. I have been happily handing out the initial copies of my first book to friends and brothers and sisters in the program who have been kind enough to support me. I went through with the publishing because it felt like the right thing to do, and not because I was seeking recognition or reward. For me, it’s purely part of my recovery and certainly my 12th Step work of passing the message to others. So what I was prepared for has been the response from those who are taking a copy. I haven’t grasped the impact I have had on the lives of those around me, and I am gaining insights that I might never have known. This in some ways has been a little challenging as I have had a difficult time accepting praise and recognition in the past. I am also striving to be a humble person. So when I mentioned at a meeting in my sharing that I was there for somewhat selfish reasons, i.e. to pass along copies of my book, I wasn’t prepare when someone said in their opinion of me I wasn’t selfish at all. I am grateful for this program that is teaching others, like it has me, to be brave, and to recognize others. I know I am indebted to those who were there for me and said the things I needed to hear.

Affirmation

Knowing I am worthy and deserving of recognition doesn’t necessarily prepare me to receive the accolades of others, but if I remain humble and true, I can accept them with gratitude.

March 30

”All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve is the direct result of his own thoughts.” James Allen

Responsibility is a personal trait, something that can come from no one else. I’ve spent too many years believing that others can give me responsibility but this is a false idea. Responsibility is something I must take, something I have to make my own. My fears of responsibility, of not deserving to having it or to have more, are my own business. They transform into excuses of why others have not given me what I think I deserve, or feed my efforts to put myself down, to not believe in myself. Sometimes, I am not as ready for the responsibility I want as I think I am. Usually it’s more that something is holding me back. This is where getting to know myself better can help to build my confidence. Having the courage to explore what I am lacking, confronting the fears that hold me back like the possibility of more rejection or another strike at my poor self-esteem, are steps to prepare myself for the additional responsibility I am seeking. My achievements are mine. If I want them, I need to be the one to go after them. Having something simply handed to me because I think I should have it is not truly an achievement. I need to work and earn my successes. My true successes start from within, in my thoughts where I decide if I will reach my goals of if I will give up when it gets tough. That mental fortitude to go the distance, not matter the cost, is what will help me succeed. Those thoughts are no one’s responsibility but my own.

Affirmation Failure and success are part of life. My responsibility is to keep trying and continue pursuing my dreams.

July 1

”Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us.” Jane Austen

National holidays can be a time for reflection on pride. I am a proud citizen of the country that I live in, even though it is a result of a decision by my parents and not anything of my own doing. Yet I still feel proud to be an active member of my environment. I feel that I contribute more to my community and society than I take, and that in general I reflect the values and beliefs of those around me. I am also regaining my self-pride. Spending more time being true to myself and no longer leading a double-life is something I deserve to be proud of achieving. I think honestly that my pride is humble, that I have taken this road of recovery for myself and not for the recognition of others that I am changing. I am certainly not going through the painful experience of getting to know myself to please somebody else. It can still be challenging to experience satisfaction in a job well done, especially in looking at how my life is better in sobriety. There are still those small whispers that tell me I don’t deserve things to be good because of how poorly I behaved in the past. Yet those are remnants of my addiction, still seeking to sabotage the healthier choices I am making today. And I can certainly be proud of having gained an ability to ignore those thoughts that will lead me back into the insanity and chaos.

Affirmation I will accept myself for who I am, and I am allowed to celebrate my accomplishments and take pride in the person I am becoming.

January 19

”The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist.” J. Harold Wilkins

Accepting rewards or recognition has been a challenge as I recovery from my addiction. Through all those years of living a double-life, I rarely felt like I deserved to be honoured in any way, always having the thought of “if only you knew who I really was” running through the back of my head, crushing any inkling of self-worth I might have. I was certainly great at beating myself up and finding reasons why I shouldn’t have a better life, job, or whatever other kinds of successes that might have been part of my life. I am thankful that my views are changing as I continue to grow in my self-acceptance. As I become comfortable with who I am, as I am, my self-esteem cannot help but improve. Yet even still, accomplishments can be a challenging area. Even simple things like accepting recognition for the progress of my recovery can disrupt my serenity. I am learning, however slowly, to accept that I am worthy of praise from time to time. Achievement is recognition of my effort, and now that I am making a more honest attempt to life a good life, I can accept the acclamation of my success. I can celebrate my progress in healthy ways that promote my recovery, and give thanks to my Higher Power and all those who supported me in reaching my goal.

Affirmation I am worthy of recognition, I do things worthy of praise, and I am a good person.

July 9

”There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” Edith Wharton

I think for most of my life, since it has been coupled with my addiction, I have never truly felt like I have genuinely had much to offer the world. I know I can think of brief instances where I did, but more often than not I would not have considered myself as a light in the world. Nor for that matter would I have said that I reflected light either. If anything, I probably felt more like 2-way glass, a nice shiny outside that was my public face, but on the other side it was dark, my hidden addictive self that was consciously concealed. From my addictive state I could see through the glass to the nice shiny world, but it felt phone to live in that place with all the dark secrets that caused me guilt and shame. Nowadays I am discovering my self-worth. Knowing that I am a good person, that I have things to offer, that I can contribute to the world around me lets me be a candle and spread a little light in my surroundings. I am also able to reflect the light I see in others, especially in the fellowship, and I am grateful that I am no longer peering out from the darkness behind that piece of 2-way glass.

Affirmation I will look for the good things I can share and be proud of my talents and the things I can offer to the world.