February 20

”Cowards die a thousand deaths. The valiant taste of death but once.” William Shakespeare

I have dealt, more or less, with the major blow of losing my marriage to my addiction. The pain and grief of that failure washed over me in a few, large events and I hoped that was the extent of it. Nothing prepared me for the thousands of small deaths that have followed. It is not as easy as I thought to move forward from a decade of being with someone else in such a close relationship. Frequently something from my past pops up out of nowhere, an old photo, a card, some memorabilia, a song, or whatever else that triggers a memory of what has been lost. In that moment I am taken back to dealing with the emotions and my past. Then there are the living things, and hardest of these are my children. They are a constant reminder of a part of my life that is no longer there, and something that I was not able to repair. Yet I know that my life is much saner now that where I was. Shakespeare seems to imply that a glorious death is more worthy, but I think the contrary – it is the ability to surpass the thousands of small deaths, to repeatedly overcome our suffering that builds character and makes me “valiant.”

Affirmation As the saying goes, what does not kill me makes me stronger. Facing my emotions from the pain and suffering of the past will strengthen me for the challenges that lay ahead.