October 26

”When our hatred is too bitter it places us below those whom we hate.” Francois de la Rochefoucauld

One thing which has always bothered me, and still does, is when someone does not treat me with respect. It’s a trigger point for an angry outburst that is usually exaggerated based on the treatment (or mistreatment) that I have received. When I succumb to those outbursts though, I immediately sense that I have put myself lower than the person who has disappointed me. A recurring cause of regret and shame in my life for sure. Sometimes I manage to avoid lowering myself to the level of the person who is frustrating or antagonizing me. These are moments I can be proud of, the times when I stand my ground, keep my cool, and still continue to act out of respect for the other even if they don’t really deserve it. It’s about maintaining my standards in all situations, but also about treating others as I would like to be treated. Hatred, jealousy, bitterness or envy, these darker emotions can quickly take me to a place where I am no better, or worse than the people around me who bother me or get on my nerves. Some people will try to push my buttons, touch my sensitive areas to get me to react. But degrading my standards or disrespecting my own values is not something that will help me grow. I can all too easily spiral into a period of loathing which will turn me in towards myself and take me closer to my addiction. That is not a direction I wish to take, the cost of coming back is too great.

Affirmation

When I am mistreated it is okay to feel hurt, angry, or disrespected. But I believe that it is my Higher Power’s place to judge and punish others, not mine. Sometimes a taking deep breath and walking away is the best thing I can do for me.

October 22

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Step 3 is about turning our will and our life over the care of the God of our understanding. This is a deliberate act to relinquish control in my life, not to become a puppet, but to be lead because left to my own devices I tend to go astray. It is about faith and hope in a being/entity/source greater than me that frankly has a better understanding of life, the universe and everything. It’s also a sign of trust that my Higher Power, given the chance, will lead me down a better, brighter and more prosperous path. An acronym I quite like for God is Good Orderly Direction. That is what my prayer and meditation tend to focus on, asking for advice, direction, and aide in following God’s will. The complementary component to my prayer is to give thanks, to take the time to show gratitude for all the wonderful things that I have in life, all the ways that my Higher Power is taking care of me. I have had many false “gods” in my life, my addiction the most obvious, but I have become obsessed with others like recognition, fame, and fortune in periods of my life as well. Worshipping things of this world only mires me deeper in the problems of my earthly life. Experience is showing me that worshipping my spiritual source is not only taking away many of my worldly concerns, it is giving me freedom, joy and contentment that I never believed I could enjoy.

Affirmation

I will trust in my Higher Power, for His will and intention are good and just. In giving Him praise, I acknowledge all that He has done for me.

October 14

”Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” Corrie Ten Boom

Choices are the cornerstone of my world. There are those which propel me forward and those which help to keep me mired in the muck. Worry is one of the latter. It is something I am recognizing that serves no purpose other than to have me dwell incessantly on past mistakes or a future that has not yet come. Both of these have the same result, which is taking me away from today and from acting in the moment. Worry is also a root of other negative states, like anxiety, fear, desperation, frustration, sorrow and even depression. It saps my time and energy to focus on those things within my control. Worry is very much about spending, or wasting, time on all the multitude of things which are outside my control. A good place for the Serenity Prayer to help me regain my bearings. Just like my circles teach me to surround myself with healthy activities, I also need to consciously seek healthy states of mind. I agree that there will be times when situations evoke less pleasant emotions, and that it is important for me to experience them and get through those moments. However, those should not be my predominant feelings to help me along my way. I recognize that life is not a steady state, but filled with highs and lows, yet I do have the ability to wallow in my states of despair and sadness, or to find the courage to find the joy and happiness in life. My Higher Power is always there to lend me the strength to get back to living my life rather than merely passing from moment to moment.

Affirmation

Just like there are days when it is difficult to get out of bed, so too are there days when it will be hard to put a smile on my face. Yet even this is a choice, and I can choose to see the light of the day rather than the shadow that falls behind me.

October 11

”Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.” Grandma Moses

Life has been strangely simply since I started to turn it over to the God of my understanding. There has been a new freedom in seeking out His will instead of my own. There has also been a great deal of relief in having the time and energy to focus on those things within my power, rather than giving it all to my addiction. Life is what I choose to make it? Well I suppose to a degree that’s true, but I do really believe that I am to ask for the guidance from my Higher Power to find the right path. There is an opposing choice which I do believe to be false. If I simply sit and wait for the right things to happen in my life, they’re not going to. I have been giving skills and abilities that I need to use to fulfill my purpose and be of service to others. Ignoring them will not take me down the road that I am supposed to follow. So there I have it – I need prayer and meditation to ask for guidance and to seek the will of my Higher Power. Then I need to use my talents to work towards those goals and to do His work. Like this blog, which I know is no longer only a tool for myself but for many others who I am grateful are also able to benefit from my experience. I need to continue to serve others, to be a committed part of my groups, my workplace and my community. I have been given a great gift in recovery of discovering who I am and learning how to transform my suffering into healing.

Affirmation

Staying on course is about me asking for guidance as well taking the steps to complete the tasks and objectives given to me.

October 10

”Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

As I have said many times, and I am likely to continue repeating, life is about choices. Through the program and my tools like the 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer, I am getting better at being able to see where and when to make good choices. Bitterness, anger, frustration, malice – these are not choices that enhance my calm. Being loving, tenderhearted, forgiving, showing compassion – these are attitudes that make me feel genuinely good and support my recovery. There is a great parallel here to my program of recovery. Much of my focus these days is on incorporating my outer circle activities into as much of my life as possible. These are the healthy choices that not only support my recovery work, but they also help out my family, community, and workplace. In making decisions that support my new lifestyle, I strengthen my commitment and desire to continue living this way, free from the manipulation and control of my addiction. Much of my time is spent looking at how I can be of service to others, be it my children, my partner, my colleagues, or whomever I am in contact with. In doing so, I am gradually rebuilding my own self-esteem and confidence. I am increasing my self-love, self-acceptance, and fulfilling my own basic needs without needing to have them filled temporarily by sources outside myself. All this leads to a healthier, happier, and more resilient me.

Affirmation

Positive choices today, from my attitude to the activities that I undertake, have a significant influence on how good I will feel, and how healthy and sober my day will be.

October 8

”He who closes his ears to the views of others shows little confidence in the integrity of his own views.” William Congreve

Recovery has taught me that I need to ask for help and that I can benefit by listening to the opinions and advice of others. These are not things that come naturally to me. I grew up being very independent, always taking care of myself, only really ever relying on myself. Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that asking for help meant I was weak or less than. Life was my own struggle and I had to figure out how to get there by myself. Some of that faulty belief system also trickled into the thought that I was always right, or had to be right. I can see now how for many years I was pretty close-minded. I also see how that attitude was a cover for the fact that I was not all that confident in my own beliefs. Dazzle them with intellect or baffle them with BS as the saying goes. Hmm, just more uncovering of the parts of my former personality. My addiction had a far reaching impact on all aspects of my life. It manipulated lessons taught in life, promoting those that would serve its own purpose, like believing I had to go it alone. Recovery has helped me rediscovery the power of fellowship and community. These are both great gifts that have been a boon to my efforts in turning the page and starting down the better road. There is strength in numbers, and I benefit from the experience, strength and hope of all I meet.

Affirmation

Challenging my childhood beliefs is a necessary step in weeding out those which are false and no longer serve to guide me as an adult.

October 6

”If you don’t create change, change will create you.” Anonymous

I’m beginning to understand addiction as a disease of choice. My addiction began slowly, spreading slow tendrils and roots of illness by corrupting my small choices, by offering glimpses of instant gratification. Gradually the choices grew in consequence and in severity. And by the time I realized I was in trouble, there were thousands of connections that had been made and I was in a veritable web of deceit, shame and guilt. Yet even still, trapped as I was, I still retained the power of choice. My addiction, even with all the lies and deception, could not remove that basic principle. It certainly tried hard to cover up alternatives, to make only the choices that related to my addiction seem attractive or even possible. But the power of choice remained, however slight the chance remained that I could choose another path. Recovery is my process to change my choice-making behaviours. It is an exercise in awareness that lifts the fog that surrounds me, the blinding wall of falsehoods that my addiction built to protect its dominion. It’s a building of confidence that I can rely on different ways to cope with life, instead of continuing to blindly follow the choices that now create more harm than help. It’s the power once again to create, to rejoice, to rejuvenate, to live. It is also the opportunity to choose to relinquish control over those things I cannot change to my Higher Power, to focus on the limited number of things within my direct sphere of influence. It’s simply the choice to change.

Affirmation

Growth comes as I begin to see my addiction from the perspective of recovery, and start to understand this disease from which I have suffered for long enough.