December 22

”A constant struggle, a ceaseless battle to bring success from inhospitable surroundings, is the price of all great achievements.” Orison Swett Madison

Dealing with life on life’s terms some days can be a challenge. Having emotions again, well there are moments when the temptation to numb them can feel attractive. Feeling hurt, sad, angry or rejected, this is not a fun place to be. Yet my recovery has taught me that I don’t make things better by wanting to escape from my emotions. The best thing I can do is sit through them and even explore where they are coming from, what needs in me are being unmet, and to learn from the experience. Life is a constant struggle where many things may seem to be against me.  But that isn’t entirely fair either. Life may feel like a battleground, but most of the time it’s pretty close to paradise. The dark clouds are only temporary, and I am learning how to weather the storm. This is the trick, to prepare myself not just to survive the inclement weather, but to brave the howling winds and push through the storm. It is in adversity that I grow, that I must rely on my strengths and my resources to move on. It is also where my faith in my Higher Power helps me to stay grounded and to keep up my hopes that this too shall pass. Yet the growth comes from wading through the challenges more than simply remaining as a bystander.

Affirmation

Life may feel like it is riddled with challenges, but they are opportunities for growth and to build my confidence in handling life in better, healthier ways.

December 14

”Flee from sexual immorality.  Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, who you have from God?” 1 Corinthians 16:18-19

I find myself struggling with this idea lately. Rationally I understand the concept, that my body is merely the vessel “on loan” from my Higher Power which hosts my soul, my small piece of that divinity which encompasses all. This is a struggle of changing my perception of being a body with a soul to that of a soul that is temporarily residing in a body. So how exactly does this change my viewpoint? Well, if I truly believe that I am soul inhabiting this physical form, then I guess that means I need to respect this container. And this is where I have ample proof that I have failed, that I have not taken good care of this spiritual shell. I have abused it, neglected it and taken it for granted on many occasions. I have fallen short in treating it with the importance due that divine source within, my soul, my connection with my Higher Power. Reflection brings me back to a simple conundrum, the power of choice. In order to truly treat my body as the gift from my Higher Power, I need to make the right choices. Not the easy ones, not the instant gratification ones, but those that truly take into account how precious life, my life, really is. My addiction has consequences, from the smallest thought to acting out and everything in between. Each strains my connection to myself, my soul, and ultimately my Higher Power. And that is the greatest disservice I can do in return for the life that has been given to me.

Affirmation

Today I will ask for help from my Higher Power to pay proper respect to the precious gift, my body and my life, which has been given to me.

December 6

”Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

What does it mean to be myself? Who am I really? I think some days I am still trying to figure that out. The more I look inside myself, look at all the parts of me that have been tucked away to make room for my addiction, the less I think I know about myself. I have a multitude of defense mechanisms, of personas and characters that I have built to handle the various aspects of my life. There is the Work Persona, the Sports Persona, the Volunteer Persona, the Boyfriend, the Father, the Son, and the list goes on. My challenge is to take each of these one at a time and study them. There are good and less healthy characteristics of each. Only by investigating why I have created them can I determine which core parts are worthwhile to keep, and those that I need to let go of. This is a continuation of my inventory work, to better understand and accept myself as I am. In doing so I am learning what types of things fit most naturally in my life, the core structure that I have built to accept and give intangibles like love, joy, sadness, reject, jealousy, or happiness. This structure was developed at an early age and unconsciously is how I tend to react in life. It’s only through exploration that I can see where I need to enhance this fundamental part of me to allow new things to fit into my life. My Higher Power is wise beyond my understanding and I believe that I was given all the tools I need to accomplish the goals laid on the path before me. It is my responsibility to know what those skills and strengths are and to avail myself of them. And of course, to pray and meditate for the direction that I am supposed to take to employ them.

Affirmation

I am the one and only me. My most important challenge is to study myself so that I can be the best me possible.