January 19

”Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” Mahatma Gandhi

So here lies the crux of the problem. My addict, my compulsive addictive behaviour, starts from my thoughts. Perhaps like other addictions, but even more so, this is where my craving is born. In the beginning, the thoughts may seem innocent enough, but they have just enough of an edge, just enough of a shiny coating, to invite me in just a little further, to explore and come closer for a better look. Before I know it, I am way beyond just looking, but fully immersed, tasting, touching, living through the fantasy or reality that started from those small, simple thoughts. As Ambrose Bierce so aptly defined it, the brain is the apparatus with which we think that we think. So how then, do I use that which is broken to fix itself? A seeming conundrum indeed. Yet I do think there is an answer. I do believe that this life, this body that I am in is only a shell. Its purpose is to house something even more precious, my spirit. I have moved from seeing myself as a person with a soul to seeing instead a soul with a temporary body. And it is my soul or body, which existed before I was born and will continue to exist after my body expires, that has the power to overcome my errant thoughts. Simply put, my solution is to Let Go and Let God. I have not the human capacity to fix my broken thinking. I therefore require the faith and belief in my power greater than myself that my spirit, given the opportunity, can and will lead me in the right direction. This is where my harmony and purification will come from, by fully trusting in God’s will, not mine.

Affirmation

I am a creation of spirit, and it is this force within me that can make the impossible possible.

January 1

”Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” Benjamin Franklin

This is sound advice for starting a new year. It is also a good reminder for every other day of the year. I may not like to look at my recovery this way, but it is indeed a constant battle against my compulsive and addictive thoughts and behaviours. It certainly consumes less of my time and energy as it did in the beginning, but the fight is there nonetheless. My addiction is not my only vice, and I am also reminded to continue my step 6 and 7 work to identify my shortcomings and ask for my Higher Power to take them from me. Being at peace with my neighbours is a positive step. I can take this further and be of service to others, not only within my fellowship but within the greater community. This ties in well with many of my outer circle goals that are less self-centered than my recovery work which is very personal. The new year is also a good time for me to reflect on the progress I have made over the past year. I am thankful that I can say that I am a better man this year than last. And still improving. My growth and changes are ongoing work that will continue for some time to come. I am grateful that I am establishing healthy routines to keep my life going in a better direction, one that is led by my Higher Power. My step work, meetings, therapy and other personal growth activities are all integral parts of my life and there to keep me on track.

Affirmation

I am grateful for opportunities to look back and see how far along I have come from those days of darkness and despair. My program is a key component to keep me on the right path.