April 16

“Life is a sum of all your choices.” Albert Camus

This is the place I keep coming back to, the decision place. My life cannot simply just happen, things do not just automatically occur. There are always choices to be made, paths to be followed, and actions to be taken. In this endeavour, I am somewhat handicapped by my addiction, this disease of choice, which has placed within me a path which takes priority unless I consciously choose otherwise. So it goes, each day a struggle, an ongoing battle against an enemy that lives within me, in my thoughts and deeds. I tried explaining this to someone close to me, and the best example I could come up was to compare it to having a constant craving for chocolate. If this was me, then there are days when it is easier, when I can be at home, at work, or elsewhere and not come across any chocolate, and thus fight back the craving. Other days I might come across it only a few times, and find the strength to resist the temptation. Yet other days are like Valentine’s Day, Halloween or Christmas where chocolate is everywhere I turn, and the fight is very present and real to stay away. Yet most of this war is fought within my thoughts, unbeknownst to those around me. There are little outward signs of my struggle that constantly rages within. I guess maybe that is the reason that I continue to go through periods where I get lay and stop making the right choices. Combatting my disease is at times exhausting and I just want to take a break and get away. But I can never get away, the only thing that happens when I decided to relax my program is that my addiction is given more freedom to influence my life. So it is back to work, to pick up my sword and continue to work against this illness, to fight, fight, fight for my life.

Affirmation

I choose to be in recovery today. I choose to make the sane choices, to move away from those that feed my addiction. I choose to be free!