October 8

”He who closes his ears to the views of others shows little confidence in the integrity of his own views.” William Congreve

Recovery has taught me that I need to ask for help and that I can benefit by listening to the opinions and advice of others. These are not things that come naturally to me. I grew up being very independent, always taking care of myself, only really ever relying on myself. Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that asking for help meant I was weak or less than. Life was my own struggle and I had to figure out how to get there by myself. Some of that faulty belief system also trickled into the thought that I was always right, or had to be right. I can see now how for many years I was pretty close-minded. I also see how that attitude was a cover for the fact that I was not all that confident in my own beliefs. Dazzle them with intellect or baffle them with BS as the saying goes. Hmm, just more uncovering of the parts of my former personality. My addiction had a far reaching impact on all aspects of my life. It manipulated lessons taught in life, promoting those that would serve its own purpose, like believing I had to go it alone. Recovery has helped me rediscovery the power of fellowship and community. These are both great gifts that have been a boon to my efforts in turning the page and starting down the better road. There is strength in numbers, and I benefit from the experience, strength and hope of all I meet.

Affirmation

Challenging my childhood beliefs is a necessary step in weeding out those which are false and no longer serve to guide me as an adult.

October 6

”If you don’t create change, change will create you.” Anonymous

I’m beginning to understand addiction as a disease of choice. My addiction began slowly, spreading slow tendrils and roots of illness by corrupting my small choices, by offering glimpses of instant gratification. Gradually the choices grew in consequence and in severity. And by the time I realized I was in trouble, there were thousands of connections that had been made and I was in a veritable web of deceit, shame and guilt. Yet even still, trapped as I was, I still retained the power of choice. My addiction, even with all the lies and deception, could not remove that basic principle. It certainly tried hard to cover up alternatives, to make only the choices that related to my addiction seem attractive or even possible. But the power of choice remained, however slight the chance remained that I could choose another path. Recovery is my process to change my choice-making behaviours. It is an exercise in awareness that lifts the fog that surrounds me, the blinding wall of falsehoods that my addiction built to protect its dominion. It’s a building of confidence that I can rely on different ways to cope with life, instead of continuing to blindly follow the choices that now create more harm than help. It’s the power once again to create, to rejoice, to rejuvenate, to live. It is also the opportunity to choose to relinquish control over those things I cannot change to my Higher Power, to focus on the limited number of things within my direct sphere of influence. It’s simply the choice to change.

Affirmation

Growth comes as I begin to see my addiction from the perspective of recovery, and start to understand this disease from which I have suffered for long enough.

September 30

”Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and deeper it sinks into the mind.” Samuel Taylor

My father used to say that he wished he could beat me over the head with all his wisdom and experience, in the hopes that it would sink in and help me avoid many of the pitfalls of life. He certainly tried hard enough to let me take all his hardships as proof that I did not need to follow similar paths in my own life. Unfortunately it seems that I was destined to learn through the school of hard knocks myself, and have taken the harder, painful road more often than the gentler way. Advice and criticism are still things that are hard for me to accept in my daily life. Somewhere along the way I learned that I was supposed to only rely on myself to get by, which has had the side-effect of making me react adversely to critiques by anyone, even those with the best intentions behind them. Here is a major character defect to turn over to my Higher Power and work at letting go. Being a parent myself, I am more aware how much further a gentle push goes than a hard shove when trying to show my children how to obey and respect the rules and others. The softer way is hard for me to show, only because my own frustration is usually getting in the way. I have to remember that it took me years to learn patience, how to do many of the daily chores and tasks before me, and that my children simply haven't reached that stage of their life yet. Gently, gently as she goes, and all will be well.

Affirmation

I will try to focus on where someone is coming fromwhen they give me advice, it is not an attempt to make me look bad, but to help me because they care about me.