April 29

”Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.” Margaret Lee Runbeck

That simple phrase “I’m sorry” took a while to have meaning again. For too long, I had been like the boy who cried wolf, and apologizing had little meaning because it was a hollow act, only meant to appease people for the short term to allow me to get back to the comfort of my addiction. It fell short of being something genuine and sincere, because it was not. Apology for me now has to also be coupled with amends. The dictionary defines amends as a form of compensation or reparation for a loss or damage of some kind. So like many instances in my recovery process, proof of change to others has had to focus on action and not simply on my word. Walking the talk has been required, on a consistent and persistent basis, to show that I truly am on a different path. Seeking forgiveness is just one of the areas where this has been prevalent. There is a definite power in humbling myself to admit my wrongs and to seeking to right situations. I am more genuine, more open to others, more human. It is a moment of grace, baring my weakness and admitting that I am not perfect. It also lifts a weight from my shoulders and my soul, letting me breathe more freely. It is a good practice to do regularly so that I do not carry my mistakes with me, growing in dark places and turning into shame and resentment. It is something to be worn as a symbol of my strength and self-confidence, a badge of honour and my commitment in working at improving myself.

Affirmation

Let me acknowledge my errors today, all the ways that I hurt those around me. I will seek forgiveness and make things right through amends to end the day with a slate that is cleared of wrongdoing.

April 27

”The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good.” Brian Tracy

Life is full, I am so busy doing things these days I often wonder how I managed to keep up my addictive life. There are so many activities to fill my time, so much I want to experience, that I wonder why I thought putting all my effort into one stream of behaviour would make me happy. There is so much more potential in each day, each hour, and each moment that I am grateful I am no longer wasting them by feeding my addiction. It is wonderful to be connected to the world once again. To be part of the rhythm of nature, connected to the ebb and flow of the seasons, beginnings, endings and the transitions in between. To feel the surge of energy in the spring time, to rejoice in the return of the birds and their songs forgotten through the cold winter. To bask in the sun, feeling its warmth penetrating into my soul. To watch the leaves change to burnt yellow, fire orange and crimson red and fall to the ground as the trees prepare to sleep through the winter. To see the perfect snowflakes floating in the air, each unique like one of us, to build a snow man or fort, go skating or tobogganing, then warm myself around a fire with hot cocoa. Life is filled with thousands of small precious possibilities that I took for granted, tossed aside ungraciously as I slaved to fill the relentless desires of my addictive self. As I rediscover myself, fill my days with my outer circle behaviours and activities, the whole world is once again my playground. And I am like a kid again, just waiting for the next adventure.

Affirmation

Each moment is precious, a possibility for a small wonder to be experienced and cherished. May I accept each of these tiny gifts and make them a part of my recovery.

April 26

”We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” John Green

I still recall how I felt when I finally admitted that I had a problem. I was numb, no longer able to find any joy or pleasure in the world, truly a walking zombie. I felt broken, like I had wasted most of my life being a subject to my addictive behaviours. There was little hope, only darkness, despair, regret, and shame. I was a monster, and felt I only deserved to be punished. SAA gave me hope. I am glad I found it, glad that my father had been through AA and that I knew at least a little about the 12-Steps. Going for myself, for my own troubles was still difficult, but I was encouraged to have some familiarity. And knowing that my dad had managed to stay sober gave a glimmer of hope. It was certainly the stories of the men and women I encountered in those first months, their experience, strength and hope that showed the program could work for my issues as well. I saw their courage, their new found lease on life inspiring. I saw many examples of lives that should have been broken beyond repair, beyond forgiveness, beyond the reach of goodness. Yet I was surrounded by overcomers, and that gave me the will to put my faith in my own Higher Power and the program. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Affirmation

The human spirit and soul are resilient. There is always hope to change as long as there is breath in my body. I can and will overcome if I but trust in the process.