August 31

”What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there is nothing to compare it with.” Anonymous

One of the things I have struggled with in recovery is redefining what a normal life is. After years of living a double-life, of escaping reality through fantasy and acting out, it’s been quite the adjustment to the “real world.” A big part of the challenge is the fact that I don’t have an easy gauge to determine what normal is…life until recovery had been abnormal. One of the tricks I have used these past couple of years is to see what my first instinct is and then do the opposite, or at least something very different. For example, if I get the urge to turn on the TV knowing I am going to watch without a time limit or other boundaries, I pick up recovery material to read instead. If I have a pull to skip a meeting, or to pass on calling a friend in recovery, I go to the meeting or make the call. Or if I feel the need to make a decision on my own and trust my gut, I wait and ask for advice before deciding what to do. It’s taken a renewed faith in a Higher Power to recognize some of these warning signs and to realize that I don’t always make the best choices. I do believe addiction, and this means all addictions, no matter the drug of choice, are a disease of choice. That the hyper-stimulation of our brains affected my ability to make good choices, to weigh options and realize the consequences, before they happened. So I am learning to trust others to help guide me as I regain a better sense of how to make good choices.

Affirmation I will humble myself enough to allow others to advise and guide me as my past has clearly demonstrated that I have not made the best decisions.

August 30

”If someone is in your life, it is because they have a gift for you, and you have a gift for them.” Robert Holden, Ph.D.

I do believe, as I have always believed, that everything happens for a reason. I may have formerly attributed this to fate, or the will of the universe, but today I believe it to be the will of the God of my understanding. Regardless of what I believe, I do know that the people who are in my life are there because I have something to learn from them, and hopefully something I can share in return. I believe this to be true not only of those people who I would say have a more positive effect in my life, but equally true of the detractors. In some ways I think those that I would rather see in a negative light often have a lot more to offer to me, more that I am expected to experience and grow from while they are part of my life. I am realizing that often, if not always, the people that I seem to struggle having in my life are that way because it reflects my own defaults of character. My life is influenced by everyone around me. In turn, I too influence the lives of those who touch my own. In the past I didn’t recognize this relationship, and frankly would not likely even have cared if I had. Today, however, I am aware and that gives me a certain responsibility to try and be a positive influence in the lives of others. And to be aware when I am someone else’s detractor and work at changing that.

Affirmation We are all connected, each a player in the lives of those around us. As a child of my Higher Power, I will strive to treat all my siblings well.

August 29

”To acknowledge love is to increase its capacity to heal us; to ignore love is to let it slip away.” Marianne Williamson

I used to think I knew what love was, that I understood what it meant to connect with someone and to have that someone share in my life. Yet I was not capable of fully comprehending this, not in my addiction when I had so great a secret that I was carrying with me at the same time. To be that intimate with someone requires brutal honesty, and I was certainly not very truthful during that time. I did let love slip away, in many relationships, not just that with my wife, but with my kids, my parents, my sister, everyone who was closest to me. The love I thought I was seeking turned out to be only lust, a base, carnal, physical need without any depth or true intimacy. It consumed me and drove me into myself and away from the people and things that truly mattered in my life. And it certainly distanced me from any kind of healthy Higher Power as well. I am beginning to see what love really is, the unconditional kind. It is not about what I can get in return, but what I have to offer, freely and without expectation. Love is not only an emotion, a connection, but a choice. It is because of the grace of my Higher Power that I have found love to share, not only with those who are important but everyone I meet for we are all cut from the same cloth.

Affirmation True love is a gift meant to be shared freely, without the condition of receiving anything in return. I choose to share my love because I have it to give.

August 28

”Meditation means going into your loneliness wholeheartedly, to discover it, to investigate into it, to inquire into it.” OSHO

Being alone used to frighten me. Knowing what I know about myself now, I am not really that surprised. I don’t think I could have faced being alone and the possibility of getting to know myself, as sick as I was, and been able to be ok with all that. I really didn’t like who I was and I was certainly too afraid to stop and look at myself. It’s taken time to get comfortable being on my own. It is still not the easiest thing to do, I often find myself pulled to any number of distractions to take me away from those moments of internal reflection. But I am starting to have those dialogues with myself, to delve into who I am and explore the loneliness. This too is a part of my recovery and one I know I need to overcome to remain healthy. It is strange to feel like there are parts of myself I have to avoid, or that are difficult to know how to handle. Yet I need to remember that I have applied one solution to all my problems, at least the emotional stressful ones, for so many years, that I haven’t needed to learn other ways of dealing with life. I spent too many years not allowing myself to be lonely, creating a belief that it was a bad thing. Loneliness, sadness, and even grief are not bad things in of themselves. It’s how I used them to isolate, to justify my choices, or other negative actions that was the problem. Today I can handle them differently as I learn new tools in recovery.

Affirmation If I remove the “L” from loneliness, it makes oneliness, which for me is a study of myself. I will take time to get to know myself better today.

August 27

”In diving to the bottom of pleasure we bring up more gravel than pearls.” Honore de Balzac

I lost track of the countless hours I spent looking for that perfect moment, a picture, video, angle, position, whatever it was that was the holy grail that was going to give me exactly what I needed. The saddest part is that I rarely, if ever, even found what I was being driven to seek out in the first place. And did I ever throw a lot of sand and gravel aside in my hunting. My sexual appetite, most especially the mental part, was a bottomless pit that was always craving something that I just couldn’t quite grasp. So I continued to throw endless amounts of stuff into it in the hopes that something would satiate it, but all that tended to do was make it even more hungry. Recovery has been a diet of sorts. And it’s a good diet in the sense that it makes me focus not so much on all the bad things I shouldn’t be feeding myself with, as it is on reintegrating all the good, healthy ones that I have neglected to use. This has really helped me to stop seeking those “perfect” highs that didn’t exist and allowed me to gain true pleasure from the real world and real experiences. The pearls I sought were always close at hand, I just couldn’t recognize them for what they were.

Affirmation May I find the true pleasures in the world around me, in nature, beauty, song, music, laughter, hope and joy.

August 26

”Even in the darkness there is something to be learned.” Scott Stewart

Fear. Envy. Anger. Greed. Jealousy. Hatred. Evil. War. These are some of the many shades of darkness. For me as a child, these were aspects of sin, of the failure to live up to the standards of God as written in the Bible. My addiction is certainly my personal heart of darkness. Black as coal. Slick as oil. Dark as night. Life has many tints of light and darkness in it as well. It’s found in the places I go, the people I met, the experiences that I live. The dichotomy of light and dark, good and evil, life and death, exists in almost everything around me. In my journey of recovery, I have had to learn to not only endure the darkness, but to plunge willing into it, to embrace and explore it in an attempt to gain understanding. In short, in order to shed some light on it. It is only in doing so, in learning the truth about my other side, my other self, that I have been able to put things into perspective. This knowledge gives me the power to deflate the ego of my addict, to dispel the lies and exaggerations that held me captive for so many years. It is this understanding of the worst side of me that has given me the promise to bring forth the best into the world.

Affirmation I am not good or evil, light or dark, but a myriad of colors, ever changing. In my willingness to explore all the corners of my being, I will grow and become stronger.

August 25

”Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.” Anonymous

My life is a rollercoaster. Your life is a rollercoaster. Maybe life is a rollercoaster. Sometimes it’s slow and boring. Sometimes it’s wild and crazy. Sometimes you think it’s going one direction and it goes in the completely opposite one. Sometimes it’s totally out of control. And even sometimes, it crashes and burns. The thing is, once I get on the rollercoaster, get strapped in, there is not much left within my control, except how I want to react. I can get scared and choose to stare at my feet for the entire ride. I can get excited, whoop and holler, throw my hands in the air, and enjoy the twists and turns and drops. I can hold on for dear life, hoping nothing goes wrong, worrying about every little piece of the puzzle even if there is nothing I can really change or prevent. The thing is this, no matter how I choose to react to how life unfolds around me, I do have the power to be serene no matter what is going on. The peace I need, the peace I have found in recovery, comes from within, and therefore is always available. All I need to do is to remember it is there and reach for it, because, like my Higher Power, it is a part of me.

Affirmation In the midst of chaos lies the eye of the storm, a place of calm and tranquility. I can find this centre of serenity that comes from within and weather whatever life puts before me.

August 24

”Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus

I think this quote sums up what the program has been trying to teach me. That I need to be okay knowing there is only so much I can do, and that the rest I simply have to accept things as they are. It is also providing me with tools to help me be in a better position to do my best and to be able to fully commit to those things that I can do. Life is complex. Relationships, at least the ones that matter, are complicated. Yet amidst all this I can still follow the Keep It Simple principle. I have the ability to not add my own complexity into the situations around me. The most direct way for me to do this is to be aware of my own feelings and actions, to take responsibility for what I say and do, and stay in the present. Realizing that strong emotions are a sign from my body that something important is happening, as opposed to something I need to react to, is helping me guide my behaviours. All this is part of my continuing emotional maturity that takes away power from the need for my compulsions of the past. Fear of many things has diminished as I continue to learn more about myself. I have fewer problems with rejection, abandonment, self-worth, and acceptance. I have been able to create boundaries and develop healthy friendships. I have learned to use my talents for productive reasons that support my outer circle. I am returning to the person I know my Higher Power wants me to be.

Affirmation Getting to know myself is not only helpful for me, but for everyone I interact with. It gives me insight and direction on how to be a better citizen.

August 23

”Forgiveness and letting go are steps on our road back to happiness.” Tina Dayton

Forgiveness in some areas of my life is still a challenge. There are certain people in my life who continue to hold my past against me, refusing to accept the possibility that I can change and improve myself through recovery. It is difficult to interact with these people, and some of them I have little choice because they are or were family. Yet forgiveness is something I need to do for myself, to take back the power and control I give to others by worrying or dwelling on their actions and feelings. These are things out of my control and I am better served in focusing on the ways I handle my own feelings. So here is an area that I am practicing on a regular basis. Forgiving others for things they do or say, knowingly or not, that hurt me and others close to me. They are also people that are often in my prayers, that they come to an awareness of the damage they are causing to themselves and those around them, that they too can find a way to forgive, let go, and begin healing themselves. When I can content myself to dealing with my own situation, emotions, reactions and actions, it is much easier to be happy. I find myself calmer, more at peace with myself and the world around me, and more apt to caring, sharing and loving. I am also more compassionate and recognisant of the pain and suffering of others. I am living more as a child of God than rebelling against his will.

Affirmation I can only control myself. Forgiving others and letting go will help my focus on those things within my power to manage.

August 22

”For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

It still takes me by surprise when I see myself reacting differently in stressful situations. It is comforting to know my immediate reaction is to turn to the Serenity Prayer, or other prayer or meditation, to focus on the present, count my blessings or one of the other new techniques that help me seek the will of my Higher Power. I still have fears and worries. Yet they no longer have the power they once did, they do not feed my addiction nor lead me to all my compulsive behaviours as they would have in the past. I am adapting better to life events as they occur, more accepting of how situations unfold, and more confident that things will work out the way they are meant to, and that it will all be good in the end. I am content to be second and to let my Higher Power show me the way. I am still taking responsibility for my own role, for the duties I need to fulfill. But I don’t have to be in complete control, I trust that the God of my understanding has the plans well in hand. My spirit has been renewed and I am grateful for the grace that has been shown me.

Affirmation I will Let Go and Let God today and allow my actions be guided through the Higher Power that I have faith is looking out for my best interests.

August 21

”He who is most slow in making a promise is the most faithful in performance of it.” Jean Jacques Rousseau

Sometimes I need to force myself to slow down in order to truly understand where I am and what is happening around me. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life without really taking the time to evaluate my motivation and actions. This certainly applies in how I make promises. They used to be made most blindly, saying yes to everyone for everything because I needed approval, or was afraid to let someone down. I had very weak boundaries, if any at all, in many aspects of my life. Today I am more assertive in my daily dealings. I am aware of my limitations, of my capacity to help others, as well as being cognizant of the need to take care of myself. All this has led me to being more cautious in promising to do things for others, or even myself, and evaluating situations before I commit. And once I do commit, then I am more confident that I will be able to deliver what I agreed to do. I no longer need to be everything to everyone. The only thing that ever did was to lead me to be nothing for no one. I cannot please the entire world, not even a majority of it. So I am learning its ok to pick and choose where I devote myself, that I can say no and let someone else perform what I just don’t have the time for, and the world won’t stop spinning. And even sometimes I can be selfish and keep some time for myself, and put my self-care as a priority.

Affirmation Always acting in the heat of the moment, as I rush to and fro, does not always lead to the best decisions. Today I will slow down and think things through before taking action.

August 20

”For with God nothing shall be impossible.” Luke 1:37

Surrendering to the will of my Higher Power has likely been the most challenging, but also rewarding, part of my recovery. Letting go, looking for direction on how to live as opposed to trying make things happen as I wish or believe they should be, has given me a freedom I scarce believed existed while I was ill and struggling in my addiction. On nearly a daily basis I can see proof of my Higher Power’s influence in my life. It happens in the events I experience and the people I encounter. It even happens directly to me, and it certainly has been evident in most of my writing. I can no longer ignore the fact, my belief, that there is someone else out there with a master plan, and that there is a role for me to play. So when life takes a turn for the worse these days, I am more at peace, and more able to stop and pray for help and guidance. I can ask my Higher Power to get through whatever I am facing, or turn the situation over to him with the confidence that it will work out the way he has planned if I am patient. I am more likely to seek, and listen to, the counsel of others than in the past. I no longer have the desire to be the only one who knows what is right and what needs to be done. I am content to let someone else hold the reins, yet I realize I still need to uphold my responsibilities and duties. For with God as my partner, all things are possible.

Affirmation I am willing to turn my life over to the care of God, as I understand him, and to seek to do his will today.

August 19

”To rid ourselves of shadows – who we are- we must step into either total light or total darkness.” Jeremy Preston

There have been moments in my life when I have felt that life could only progress to one extreme or the other, either complete and total immersion into my addiction, a transformation into my darkest self, or a trip in the other direction to completely shed me of the evil skin that coated all I did and all I was. In these moments I was often at my worst, in my lowest state, unable to find much hope of a return to normalcy. In recovery I can see more clearly that things are not simply black or white, but most often a variety of shades. Extremes are not usually healthy, for good or for worse, but life is more fluid and its ok that things fluctuate within a spectrum. The trick is to neither succumb to my addictive behaviours nor try to shut them out completely. It is more about learning to accept myself as I am, the black, the white, and the multiple shades of gray in between. My goal is not to rid myself of my shadow – like everything else about me it serves a purpose. While it took a more predominant place in my life than it should have, I am working to put it into perspective. My shadow today reminds me of why I am in recovery, why I work my program, and allows me to reflect on how different things have become. I can accept it as an integral part of me, but do not have to be led by it any longer.

Affirmation In time the power of my shadow of my addiction will diminish as I focus on the 12-Steps and my recovery.