”Service is the
rent we pay to be living. It is the very purpose of life and not something to
do in your spare time.”
Marian Wright
Edelman
|
I know for a fact that most of my life has
been spent wondering how I can get what I want. It centered on looking to get
what I felt I deserved or what was owed to me. It was certainly not focused
on what I had to give, on how I was able to share of myself with others. No,
I was very self-centered and concerned first and foremost with my own needs.
The thing is, I am not more important that
anyone else in this world. The universe does not owe me what I want or
desire. My Higher Power certainly has a plan for my life, but it’s not to
hand over everything I ask for on a silver platter.
Recovery is teaching me that my life is
meant to be about service, about looking at what I can do for others. The
culmination of the Steps is the 12th, focused on “carrying the
message to others” – in other words being of service. I was privileged enough
to get a second chance, which obligates me to spread the word and find ways
to help others have the same opportunity. Service, like working my program,
is not something I do like a job from 9-5, but needs to integrate into the
new person I have become.
|
Affirmation
I
will seek ways to serve others today, whether in relation to my 12-Step work,
or simply as another human being, here to share my talents with those around
me.
|
These thoughts are part of my personal journal - reflections of where I am and have been in my recovery, but also where I want to be. My words come from my heart, and moments of clarity when I am best connected with my Higher Power. May God grant you serenity in reviewing my humble beginnings and my continuing path of recovery.
Book Sales
My first print run of 100 copies sold out, but I have had a second printing of an additional 250 copies done this year. So more are available, now at a cost of $20 CAD. My second book, Twelve Steps for Everyday Living, is now available for purchase for $15 CAD. It is my attempt, based on my experience and those who've been a part of my recovery journey, to transform the 12 Steps into a tool for anyone to use to navigate the challenges and trials of life.
In Serenity,
Scott Email: sastewart74@gmail.com
Review it? Do you have a copy and enjoy what you have read? Can you help me promote it by leaving a good review at Goodreads (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21939460-lean-on-me)? Thanks for your support.
In other news, after a long debate and some peer pressure, I have started a second blog, along the same vein as Lean on Me, but in my second language. You can check it out here - Tomber dans l'appui.
Monday, 30 September 2013
September 30
Sunday, 29 September 2013
September 29
”To the outside
world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as
we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes.
We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside
the touch of time.”
Clara Ortega
|
My father has always tried to impress the
importance of family on me and my sister. I remember from an early age his
advice to keep my relationship healthy and vibrant with her, as at some point
she will be the only family I have left. I didn’t think much about it as a
child, the idea that my parents would one day be gone from my life was not
something I could understand.
As I grew older, and began a family of my
own, the words of my father began to make more sense and take hold in my
life. Yet, in the midst of my illness, my family too suffered as I isolated
myself from them, their love, care and guidance, just like I din from
everyone else who mattered. Thankfully some bridges can be repaired, and my
relationship with my family is much strong in my recovery than it has been in
quite some time. A blessing, and sometimes a curse, as no one else
understands me quite the same way they do.
Family is a critical part of my outer
circle, a place where I need to make amends for the past, but also a place of
support and caring. It is the foundation of my world, the birthplace of my
morals and values, and an integral part of my emotional maturity. Indeed,
there is no place like home.
|
Affirmation
There
are certain people in my life who are important to my recovery. I will make
time for them today to connect and maintain the relationship to support my
growth.
|
Saturday, 28 September 2013
September 28
”Difficulties
increase the nearer we get to the goal.”
Johann Wolfgang
von Goethe
|
Sometimes I feel like this is a test, that
the closer I come to achieving something worthwhile, the more obstacles are
thrown in my way. I’ve had good friends comment, on more than one occasion,
that if there was the most difficult path to take to get through any given
situation, well, then I would be the one to take it. Maybe it is the case,
maybe it’s only my perception, or maybe those challenges are put before me to
test my resolve, as well as to teach me something along the way.
I saw another saying recently along the
same lines that I think fits here, “The couples that are meant to be together
are the ones who go through everything that’s designed to tear them apart and
come out even stronger.” Yup, life can be like that some times. What I was
missing before was a strong foundation, that belief in my Higher Power that I
could overcome all those hard times, and grow as a result. Life is an uphill
climb most of the time, and I was ill-equipped to handle the stress, and so
relied too heavily on my addiction to try and pull me through.
The thing is, the goals I seek are worth
getting to, and there’s not really another way than crawling through the mud
sometimes to get to the finish line. I need to trust that the God of my
understanding has given me the tools I need to succeed, that He wants me to
achieve my aspirations, and that He is there with me the whole time, cheering
for my team to win.
|
Affirmation
I
do believe that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I will face
the challenges placed before me today and I will overcome them through faith.
|
Friday, 27 September 2013
September 27
”When it comes to
the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those
who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.”
John M.
Richardson, Jr.
|
The future, a topic that used to be
focused only on fulfilling the needs of my addiction. How to get my next
high, what fantasy to chase, or what thrill to seek. It was obsessed on that
solitary topic to the exclusion of everything else, so it a more realistic
way, I often found myself in that state of “wondering what had happened.”
Because life is more complicated and full of variety that my one-track mind.
I missed 99% of what was going on around me, so no wonder I felt dazed and
confused when life caught up to me in those moments when I wasn’t engrossed
in my other life.
Since finding the 12-Steps, my life
centers more on a combination of letting the future happen and making it
happen. My true concern is the present, the place where I do have some
control and the ability to effect change. Working the steps and practicing my
tools lays the groundwork for a better future. I am making healthier choices
and I am becoming more aware of the impact of my actions in my life. I am
more consciously connected to the world around me.
|
Affirmation
Life
has an abundance of experiences waiting for me. Today I will accept the
multitude of events I encounter to lead a broader, fuller, more connected
life.
|
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
September 25
”If I have been of
service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essence of ultimate good,
if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at
peace with myself, it has been a successful day.”
Alex Noble
|
One thing that is certainly true in my
journey of recovery is that my definition of success has changed
dramatically. It is so much less about obtaining material things or
recognition as it is about having stayed true to my program. Success is now a
measure of living by my circles, respecting my boundaries, and working the
steps.
One of the best ways to recognize this in
my daily activities is to look at the ways I have been of service. Whether in
my personal life or my professional life, having performed for others, having
given freely of myself, is certainly a sign of a healthier way of living.
Working for others, for their betterment,
also is a boon to my own progress. I gain as much or more by sharing my
talents and knowledge with others, and have a truer sense of accomplishment
at the end of the day. Living like this makes me feel life is more real and
that is certainly a good thing.
|
Affirmation
Success
is not defined by the size of my bank account or the number of acquaintances
I have. True success is measure by the contributions I make in improving the
world I live in, one small step at a time.
|
Monday, 23 September 2013
September 23
”He who angers you
conquers you.”
Elizabeth Kenny
|
It’s been an interesting turn as I realize
that when I am upset, frustrated or angry that I am giving away my power, my
serenity, to the thing or person that is causing me the grief. I am willingly
allowing that external source to control how I feel, how I act and how I
react. And it’s my choice to do so. So therefore it can also be my choice not
to either.
Life is not always fair, others do not
always act in ways that are just, reasonable or respectful. Most of the time
there is nothing I can do about it either. I don’t have to enjoy or like
these situations, but I also don’t have to let them get under my skin. I
always have the option to continue to take the higher road, to live by my own
examples and morals, and to treat others as I would like to be treated,
especially when I know the same kindness would not be returned to me.
I am not going to please everyone.
Probably not even most. But that is not my goal, which is to be true to
myself, to be open to the will of my Higher Power and to follow His guidance.
The trivial things of the everyday world around me pale in comparison to my
true path, so I need to focus on doing the right things, no matter the
circumstances around me.
|
Affirmation
I
will recognise when I am angry and frustrated and look to let go and instead
put those feelings aside and treat others better than they treat me.
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Wednesday, 18 September 2013
September 18
”Great tranquility
of heart is his who cares for neither praise nor blame.”
Thomas Kempis
|
When I think of serenity, the picture that
comes to mind is that of looking at a lake, just as the sun rises, on a
windless day, where the water glows like a sheet of glass in the warm golden
glow of the sun. Nothing disturbs its surface; it is perfectly still and
balanced.
It is this state of calmness I seek in my
meditation, to be at rest, to be a center of tranquility in the midst of the perturbations
of the world around me. To be at peace with myself, to have my thoughts,
actions and emotions in harmony and balance. It is the moments of recognizing
all that is happening around me, but being aware that I have to do nothing
more than notice, no further action on my part is required.
This practice has helped me enormously
deal with my cravings and the pull of my addiction. It has taught me to be
aware of my triggers, to recognize them and to be able to say to my addict “Oh,
that’s nice, but I am not interested” and let the thought pass right on by,
and then continue on with whatever it was I was doing.
|
Affirmation
I
am amazed by the freedom I have gained by increasing my self-awareness.
Finding my peace within has enabled me to keep the chaos of addiction away.
|
Monday, 16 September 2013
September 16
”One of the true
tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes
an emergency.”
Arnold Glasow
|
I can certainly see how the idea of this
quote also applies to my recovery, especially in how I deal with stress. My
method of the past was to bury it, hide from it, stuff it under the rug or
run away. Anything and everything to avoid dealing with it. And the problem
was that it simply backed up and backed up until there was no room left to
hide or run from it and it washed over me in a deluge. All the little things
became so huge that it was an emergency.
So stress management is a crucial part of
my healing process. Being able to deal with situations as they happen, or
shortly thereafter, allows me to live without accumulating all the baggage
that I used to carry around with me. This increased awareness of how I am
feeling, how I am stressing, allows me to confront problems before they grow
into emergencies.
My addict thrived on stress. So if I
tackle nothing else each day but dealing with life events that occur around
me, I am more able to keep my craving and pull to my addiction at bay. Living
a simpler life and being present throughout the day are great treasures that
also protect my serenity and sobriety.
|
Affirmation
Stress
happens - it’s a normal part of being human. Running or hiding does not deal
with it though, so today I will work through the events that occur, facing
forward.
|
Thursday, 12 September 2013
September 12
”Our only security
is our ability to change.”
John Lilly
|
I’ve never really equated change to a
sense of security. I think I feel more insecure in periods of change, more
apt to uncertainty of what will come to pass. I know the stress of change was
one of my triggers of the past.
I do see that this perception has been
changing though. I realize that I am becoming a living model of the Serenity
Prayer, and more accepting of the things I cannot change. One of those is
certainly the fact that things are always changing around me. So in a way,
realizing there is change is a good thing. Because, in comparison, living in
addiction was a life of stagnation. There was no real change – it was the
same thing, day in, day out. Maybe the flavour, or the amount of time spent,
or some other factor was a little different, but there wasn’t any real
diversity in my life.
I guess that means that I can now see
security in my ability to change, that it reflects the fact that I am
healthier and more actively participating in life, rather than trying to
freeze-frame moments as I used to do. Change is good, I don’t have to look
back to far to see the proof of that in my own life.
|
Affirmation
Life
is a cycle of changes, and I am a part of that process. Being involved is
healthy and normal.
|
Saturday, 7 September 2013
September 7
”Stay committed to
your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”
Tom Robbins
|
I strongly believe that when a situation
deteriorates to the point where lawyers and judges are required to determine
an outcome that no one really wins. Everyone involved pays a price for the
decision, and the best possible solution is never achieved. And I think that
this happens when at least one party is not able to look beyond their own
self interests.
So my own struggle through divorce and
custody has been rocky to say the least. I am continuously trying to keep the
best interests of my children in focus, even though there is a lot of
hostility, anger and disrespect displayed towards me. I pray a lot for
everyone involved, even the opposing party, because all this conflict hurts
everyone, and certainly the children.
It’s hard trying to know what the best
decisions are, when my ability to communicate with someone is basically
impossible. Co-parenting only works if both sides are willing to make the
effort to put the personal pain aside and work for the interest of the kids.
And I certainly cannot force anyone to cooperate. In the end, I have to
continue doing what I feel is right, and keep loving my children.
|
Affirmation
Sometimes
no one wins. God grant me the strength to continue making the best decisions
in the face of adversity.
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Thursday, 5 September 2013
September 5
”It's better to
look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.”
Jackie Joyner
Kersee
|
I really have a hard time in situations
where I don’t know what is going to happen. A little bit of good news tends
to make me overly happy and positive about the outcome. A bit of bad news has
the tendency to completely deflate my mood and outlook. Finding some middle
ground between the two is a real struggle.
Thankfully, I am aware of my behaviours in
these situations. And, rather than escaping as I would have in the past, I am
gaining the ability to sit with my emotions, to talk about them with others,
and to pray for guidance on how to move forward. These are things I can do to
take care of myself, to prepare for whatever may come, and to ready myself
for the results.
Letting go and letting the will of my Higher
Power come to pass takes a great deal of patience and faith. Surrendering means
not being stuck on having things turn out the way I want but trusting that
they will work out as God has planned. But in the end, I need to maintain my
sanity by focusing on whatever is in my control and finding acceptance for
the rest.
|
Affirmation
I
will pray for my Higher Power’s support when I find myself in a challenging
spot today, and trust in the guidance to lead me in the right direction.
|
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
September 3
”You may be
disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.”
Beverly Sills
|
Most people don’t like failure. The addict
in me is scared to death of failure. It’s one of my biggest reasons to want
to run away from the possibility and pain of making a mistake, of looking
like a fool, of not living up to everyone else’s standards. So there are
times in my life where I have regrets because I chose not to act, not to face
the potential of falling flat on my face. There is also a lot of shame from
the times where I did try and failed, and then refused to try again.
My life is not meant to be lived for others;
my success is not determined by what others think of me or how they perceive
me. I know today that my worth is determined by how well I seek to do the
will of my Higher Power. I am not in competition with anyone. I am far from
perfect. I am permitted to make mistakes. In fact, I think I would even say I
am encouraged to make mistakes. It is how I am learning to do things
differently.
Giving up is rarely an option. I no longer
seek to bury my head in the sand. Living means participating, trying new
things, and sometimes falling flat on my face. Through my Higher Power I have
the courage to get back on my feet and give it another go.
|
Affirmation
Disappointment
is more about how others perceive me that about who I am. There is no shame
in trying and not succeeding, as long as I continue to try again.
|
Monday, 2 September 2013
September 2
”God gives every
bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.”
J. G. Holland
|
The 3rd Step is about our
willingness to let the God of our understanding show us a better way, an
openness to seek to do His will rather than to be controlling everything on
our own. This letting go and surrender of the direction of our life doesn’t
leave us to simply be a passenger on the bus our Higher Power is driving.
While we ask for guidance, we still have our part to play in fulfilling those
goals set before us.
It’s true for me that I have learned to
turn things over to my Higher Power. But that means letting go of those
things and people over which I have no control. There is still work for me to
do to uphold my own responsibility. I am still required to continue working
on myself in overcoming my shortcomings, in sharing my talents and in
realizing the goals set before me.
Prayer and meditation are the tools for me
to seek out the will of my Higher Power. I need to learn patience and
understanding to see the goal I am being led towards, the destination that I
usually don’t arrive at via the path I was expecting. It takes a lot of faith
and courage to allow life to unfold as it should rather than trying to
manipulate and bend it to my own will. Yet the end result is always better,
and I am more serene during the trip.
|
Affirmation
I
realize things will not often come to me when or how I want, but with work, perseverance
and faith in my Higher Power, they will come to fruition.
|