June 6

”Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

I have to admit I’m a pretty typical male when it comes to communication. I tend to be able to focus on only one topic at a time, and I get lost easily if someone is “channel surfing” through the subjects. This means that my communications with women are not usually trivial. My mind simply does not work like theirs; everything is not connected to everything. I like it simple: one thing at a time, and when we’re done, and identify we’re done, and then I can shelve the box labelled Topic X and prepare myself to discuss Topic Y. This is evident in my relationship with my partner. My thoughts work best from my warehouse of individually labelled boxes, hers from the spaghetti-nest of interconnected wires. It’s the way we are, and not something either one of us can change. But the key here is awareness. Having a better understanding of how we think ourselves, and how each other processes information, can help us set up the environmental conditions for more productive talks. If she can decrease her multi-tasking, and I make sure that I am in conversation mode (and not pointedly focused on something else) it starts removing barriers that affect our communication. Most of our conflicts arise because we didn’t take time to prepare the scene for a talk, remove barriers and make sure it is the right time/place/etc. to have the discussion. Being more deliberate, especially when we have important matters to converse about, goes a long way to ensuring a successful discussion.

Affirmation

It’s important for me to set the stage before having certain conversations. Removing potential barriers can make things go much more smoothly.