December 19

”No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.” Matthew 6:24

I’ve used many different ways to describe living with addiction, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, feeding two wolves, and others. There is a distinct dichotomy that exists within, the addict and the rest of me. Like any mental illness, the hardest struggle in dealing with my disease happens internal, unseen and mostly unknown to those around me. I tried for years to serve both masters, the normal person at work, with my family and friends, and the addict in secret, in the dark places and quiet hours. Yet although I thought I was in control and was managing, the truth was that I was only fooling myself and eventually those around me. I could not love both at the same time. I could not commit to both equally. I could not support them both with enough energy and effort to sustain them without the other suffering. And for too long, the dominate side was my addiction. Today, through the steps and friends in the program, I have found a new balance. It is the tools of recovery and my outer circle activities and behaviours that dictate the flow of my life. In focusing on new, positive ways of embracing the challenges of life, I am no longer enslaved by my addiction.

Affirmation

The hope of the program, of my Higher Power, is gaining freedom to be myself and not a slave to my addictive behaviours.

December 18

”Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes is what is called experience.” Denis Waitley

The program talks often about members sharing their strength, hope and wisdom. This often happens when someone shares their personal experience. This is one of the most precious moments in a meeting for me, when I am privileged to hear someone share their own story. I gain insight into my own life, my own recovery when I can relate to someone else’s history, see their struggle and their work to overcome the obstacles and challenges before them. Just as my openness to listen to others improves my recovery, so does my willingness to share honestly about my own path. When I find the courage to speak about my own mistakes and successes, when I can share how the program is aiding me in moving in a better direction, it’s more than just personal affirmation that the Steps are making a difference. I also give a testament to other members of the power of working the program. In working the steps, by taking the time for the introspection required to better understand myself and the underlying causes and effects of my addiction, I have also begun the process of turning my mistakes into fuel for improvement. Learning from the past is making my future look brighter, and I am gaining wisdom from the experiences that I have had in my life.

Affirmation

Accepting my past, reflecting upon my mistakes and wisdom, and forging ahead with new knowledge and tools – this is how the program helps me transform my ways towards a better life.

December 17

” When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” Lao Tzu

Steps 3 and 6 are about letting go. Step 3 is about letting go of our own will, and becoming open to the will of a Higher Power to guide us to sanity. It’s a turning point for many where we admit, where I admitted, that there had to be a different way to live. It was at that point where I had to trust in something outside myself to lead me down a healthier road, even if I didn’t fully understand what exactly I was putting my faith in at the time. I only knew that I was no longer able to rely on my own broken thinking to get me there. By Step 6 I was ready to start the process of being re-made. This is where I again chose to be willing for change, to allow for my defects of character, my tried and true ways of dealing with life, to be removed. Looking back it reminds me of the work I did to restore my first car, the stripping and sanding of all the body work to get it prepared for restoration. Working Step 6 is a preparation to remove things that no longer work to support a healthy way of living, in order to have the capacity to accept something new and better in its place. It is acknowledging that we are broken, but having faith that letting go will propel us forward. Both these steps were critical on my path of recovery to help me experience true transformation. It was the shedding of my protective coverings, my old habits, my behaviours that had out-lived their purpose. My Higher Power has been true to His nature, replacing those weather-worn practices with ways that have indeed improved my quality of living, my serenity, and ultimately my sanity.

Affirmation

Letting go is a difficult, but necessary, part of my transformation on my journey of recovery. The pain is worth the reward.

August 29

”Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire, be breaks out against all sound judgement.” Proverbs 18:1

I can easily relate to my fellow addicts when they talk about isolation and how it seems to be such an integral part of the addictive process. I have been there, and in recovery, a pull towards isolation is a warning sign of my addiction trying to influence my choices. I falsely believed that what was done in isolation affected only myself and was nobody’s business but my own. As I grow in recovery, I know that this is not true, and that isolation, usually, means that I am headed in the wrong direction. In isolation my addiction has power as it removes me from all the external positive influences in my life. As the second part of the quote goes, this is where I tend to lack the common sense I usually possess to distinguish good choices from poorer ones. Instead I find myself listening to the whispers of the little devil sitting on my shoulder. Not a good spot for me to find myself in for sure. All this is not to say that I can never be alone. There is a distinct and important difference. Being alone, when I am seeking solitude, is healthy and is an opportunity for me to slow down, reflect, ponder, meditate or dream. Isolating is more a deliberate act to push everything away, to cut myself off from the world around me. That is a sign of trouble ahead. I am learning how to accept being along and doing so in a positive way.

Affirmation

Isolation leads me down the wrong path, today I will work on being alone and finding solitude by working my program.

August 26

”Whoever starts out toward the unknown must consent to venture alone.” Andre Gide

Looking back, this was probably the aspect of admitting I had an addiction that frightened me the most – having to face it on my own. Discovering my S-group and realizing that there were others like me was a huge relief, even if I was nervous going to my initial meetings. I felt at home almost immediately and found a place where it was safe and where I could allow myself to talk openly and honestly for the first time. I know that my recovery is my own journey, one that no one else can take. Yet at the same time, I know there is a great deal of support should I choose to avail myself of it. I am blessed to be able to leverage the strength, hope, experience and wisdom of others who have gone before me, or who are in the midst of their recovery like I am. Recovery is no longer as scary an idea, even though I realize that it takes a lot of work and effort. That part is alright, even welcomed, as I would rather be putting my energy into activities that are making me a better person than those which were out to destroy me. Rather than merely existing moment to moment, I much prefer to be living life to the fullest.

Affirmation

I may need to recover on my own, but with the support of my friends in the program, I am certainly not alone.