November 30

”Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.” Anthony Charles Lynton Blair

It’s hard to do the right thing all the time. It’s even harder to do the right thing when you see others doing the wrong thing and getting ahead and getting what they want. And yet experience is showing me that in order to get what my Higher Power wants me to have, well we’re back to needing to do that right thing. So it goes back to that simple question – is what I am doing to satisfy my own will, or His? Of course this raises up the whole issue of life being unfair, is there really karma, why do good things happen to bad people, and so on and so forth. My job is to stop when I feel myself being pulled into this trap. My concern here is not about everyone or anyone else, and to some degree not even about myself. It boils down to my willingness to surrender to the will of the God of my understanding. Am I truly committed to the program and the better way of life that promises sanity and serenity? Suffering and hard times are a part of life. However I am beginning to see that these darker times are required to provide the contrast to allow me to see the influence of my Higher Power in my life and the world around me. Just as the stars are always shining, I need the darkness of night for them to shine and to enjoy their beauty and wonder. My Higher Power has a purpose in everything, even pain and sadness.

Affirmation

I may be tempted by the easier, faster way today, but I will pause to focus on His Will and His Way.

November 28

”Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.” Anonymous

This is a reoccurring theme that I am hearing around me, in the Serenity Prayer, in the Bible, and in life. Accept what you cannot control, give thanks even in the darkest moments of despair, look for the silver lining. They are wise words, but there are times when it is not easy to see how to do it, how to let go, how to find joy in the pain, or how to dance in the rain. They all boil down to my faith in my Higher Power. How well do I trust that the God of my understanding has a purpose in mind for the situation I find myself in. How is the struggle I am facing going to help me, or help use me, to have His will followed? I simply cannot fathom all He has planned out for this world. So do I balk, do I throw a pity party, do I exclaim to all I meet “Woe is me!”? Or do I go back to surrendering, look back at all the wonderful gifts that I have been provided, the talents that I have, and the fact that I have survived 100% of my worst days so far and find ways to give thanks? It’s my choice to focus on the wall that it blocking my way or to look for the path that goes around it. It is my choice to be a rock on a windy day or the leaf that lets the breeze take it where it is supposed to go. I think I know which one I am supposed to do, God grant me the courage to be blown along the right path.

Affirmation

Today give me the strength to surrender my will and to be glad about it.

November 26

”The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment.” Bertrand Russell

My addiction wants instant gratification, the instant fix, that immediate high. It is not inclined to wait for the right, safe or perfect moment. This is the compulsive aspect, the irrational I need things my way NOW attitude that drove me into strange patterns of behaviour to fulfill that urgent desire. It can be a little unnerving looking back at just how crazy I used to act, and not realize how insane it all was. Part of my recovery has been exercising the ability to put things off, to feel that craving and to deny it, even for a short period. My ability to become aware of things that trigger that insatiable hunger has also introduce moments where I can find a distraction, say the Serenity Prayer, turn my mind to something from my program, or anything else to let the power of that call diminish even just a little. As someone in the program likes to say, it’s not so much a problem of willpower as it is a problem of won’t power – saying no to my addiction is not easy. I am learning that the things which are truly worth my time and effort in life are also things which are worth waiting for. Those parts of the world that bring me lasting joy, my fulfilling relationships, my great achievements – these require patience, waiting for the right moment, and doing things in the right, and often slow, manner that is needed to reach the goal. But this is a much healthier way to live than jumping from one temporary gratification to the next.

Affirmation

May I find the courage to recognize when I am triggered and the strength to delay acting upon it today.

November 25

”Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.” Anonymous

Perception is certainly a big problem in my life, my perception of things as much as the perception that others have of me. I still struggle with the awareness that although I know I have changed because of my recovery, this does not have an immediate impact on how others see or react to me. In some cases, unfortunately, it has no impact at all. This challenge goes back to the basic principle of accepting the things I cannot change and continuing to have the courage to change the things I can. To look at this from another perspective, I know for a fact that much of my life was lived trying to please other people. That same attitude fails if I hold it and try to recover for other people. My recovery is focused on getting my own life in order, for my own benefit. True, I expect it to have a positive impact on others in my life, but that is not my primary aim. I need to save my life first if I can ever hope to be of use to anyone else. In kind, the main reason for getting my life back on track is to acknowledge the will of my Higher Power in all things, and coming to a place where I am capable of doing the things He has planned. If I spend my time worrying about others, what they think or don’t think of me, then I am merely being distracted from my true purpose. I know I have wasted too much of my time already being concerned about others opinions, it’s high time that I focus on the God of my understanding who loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me wholly and completely.

Affirmation

In working my program, in returning to myself, I am being of service to my Higher Power and displaying my true character.

November 23

”Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” Norman Vincent Peale

If I take the follow-on step to the quote above, then I believe that prayer and meditation are the exercise of the spirit, another aspect of our being which we need to maintain and strengthen. A big part of recovery for me has been bringing those three aspects back into balance – mind, body and spirit. Each has a purpose and unique job but I am not whole without any of them. Focusing on some very basic principles was a starting point as I pulled myself out of the pit I found myself staring out from when I first admitted that I had a problem. Some of this is part of the oxygen mask principle that is part of a safety demonstration on an airplane – remember to put on your own mask before helping someone else with theirs. I need to start with the core aspects of who I am, my basic needs and ensure that they are being met, before I can venture out and start to help others. Considering my starting point from the depths of my addiction, it is not hard to see that this can take some time and effort. And some willingness and openness to be on the receiving end of a helping hand. The good thing is that most of those acts of self-care I learned at a young age and the good habits can be re-established quickly. Others that may have been lacking, or never practiced, such as prayer and meditation, may take more involvement and dedication to establish into my new life. Yet like exercise, the more I do it, the more my spiritual muscles get used to the idea, and the easier and less challenging it becomes.

Affirmation

I will flex my spiritual muscles today, and find time for prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, even if only a tiny bit.

November 21

”The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.” Albert Schweitzer

Working the steps has made me realize how much of my time in my addiction was spent stagnating. Maybe not to the point where I was spending my days as things inside me were dying, but there were certainly many aspects of my being that were not being nourished and allowed to grow. A big part of my work in recovery has been to revive those parts of me which have lain dormant for months and years, to help them flourish and thrive as they are a vital part of who I am. Obviously one of the most significant aspects was my spiritual self. This is one which definitely had to take a back seat in order for my addiction to maintain power and control in my life. This is also why the steps have been such a boon as they have guided me back to a healthy spirituality. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient. I am learning that nothing within me ever really dies; it can be rekindled and nurtured back to life. My addict tried relentlessly to keep the good and moral parts that were at odds with it hidden in the shadows. It’s part of my job to bring them back to the forefront where they belong. This is part of my process of surrendering and living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

I will focus on working the steps today to bring back those parts of me which my addict wanted left under lock and key. These are the things that will help me grow and thrive as I work my program.

November 19

”Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” Yiddish proverb

Steps 6 and 7 are about looking at our character defects, our bad habits, and asking our Higher Power to remove them. I don’t believe that we play no further part in the matter. For one thing, having made the list, the onus falls on me to continual be aware of when my character defects are showing, and to work at lessening their effect on my life and my relationships. I do have to power to diminish my reactions whenever something does not go the way I want or expect. I wish that there was some magically procedure where all my shortcomings could be taken away, one by one. However my experience has been that they disappear gradually, and more due to the fact that I choose not to focus on them. Instead I spend my energy focusing on developing and strengthening my good habits. Just like my addictive behaviours, many of my character defects are tried and true, comfortable practices and attitudes. As I delve into the depths of who I am, and what I truly believe, I can see how those things are no longer match the person who I am today. It is therefore in my own best interest to let them go so that I can focus on all the good things in my life. This is the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation

I will be aware today when my shortcomings come up, and I will breathe through them, rather than letting them run the show.

November 18

”Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state.” Steve Pavlina

I never thought I had an issue with self-discipline. That may be true, I am a creature of habit, and I am very good at sticking to a routine. The problem in recovery was realizing that my routine was unhealthy and that it needed to be amended. Change was, is, uncomfortable. Fully accepting the will of my Higher Power and believing in the program was at odds with my self-disciplinary actions of my past. So how did I get there? By following the Steps. Step 2 is about coming to believe that a Power greater than me can restore me to sanity – meaning that there is a different way for me to live. Steps 6 – 9 are my surrendering steps, where I work at getting out of the way of me. It’s about Letting Go and Letting God, a phrase which has a new sense in my life these days. It’s about letting God get to work in my life, to prune and take away all the things that have gotten in the way of letting His light shine through me. Rumour has it that when Michelangelo carved the statue of David, he started with a piece of stone which had been discarded. When asked how he carved, he said that he did not carve, but that he saw David within the stone and simply let him out. I am starting to understand that my Higher Power wants to do the same with me, to remove my defects of character and old, defective behaviours and attitudes so that I can be the person He created me to be and to serve His will.

Affirmation

The Steps are my program to bring me closer to my Higher Power, to make me aware and willing to do His will, His way.

November 17

”Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of a greater or equal benefit.” Napoleon Hill

I find the word adversity used quite often in self-help materials, so I finally decided to look it up in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster defines it as “a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.” I would say that more often I feel people equate it with a challenge or struggle, rather than such a dire circumstance as the definition leads me to believe it is meant to be used. Definition aside, I am coming to see the patterns in my life, particularly in recovery, where my most difficult periods have led to my biggest rewards. Even though that may be the case, it is often little consolation when I am struggling with an unpleasant situation. Like many things, those tough times can only be viewed as the start of a change towards something better in retrospect. So where does that leave me? Well the saying “This too shall pass” comes to mind. I do trust that my Higher Power is there with me, helping me to get through the storm and out the other side. I just have to keep my faith, keep persevering, continue putting one foot in front of the other and I will get where I am supposed to be going.

Affirmation

Life is a mixture of good times and bad, and the challenging times are opportunities for me to mature and grow.

November 16

”Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.” Orison Swett Marden

One of the recurring themes in my recovery has been the fact that the right choices have most often turned out to be the hard choices. Dedicating myself to my program, sticking with the steps, turning away from my addictive thinking and behaviors towards sanity and sobriety – all these have and continue to force me to make difficult choices. The ways of the past, doing what I am used to and comfortable with, going with the flow – that was the easier, faster way. But that path no longer works for me, the cost of living that way is far too great. So I push the boulder up the hill, walk on the coals of the fires I started, and plug the leaky dam with fingers, toes and whatever else I can find. Okay, maybe not literally, but some of the challenges have seemed overwhelming, like the odds were stacked against me. It has taken courage, strength, patience, love, support, but most of all faith, to stick with doing the right thing. Have I accomplished things? Certainly. Are these things that most people in my life can see? Most of them, not directly, no. Many of the hardest battles have happened between my ears, the struggle of choosing between my old behaviours and my new, resisting the urge to go back to my old way of life. Over time, though, these choices have indirectly had a positive effect on those around me. And of course a direct impact on my sanity and the manageability of my life.

Affirmation

Doing the right thing is often hard, requires more effort, and is a challenge. I will trust in my program and my Higher Power as I know the reward is worth it.

November 15

”There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.” Michael J. Fox

Loss is not a vacuum – that thought does indeed match my own experience. During the process of experiencing any significant loss, while I grieve, I know that loss has indeed felt like a hole that I wouldn’t climb out from. But I have always come out the other side, and the time it has taken me to make the climb seems to depend on how quickly I let myself fully experience the loss and learn from it. The program tells us that pain is a teacher. Maybe not a very pleasant one, but a teacher nonetheless. For me, it has become clear that pain, like emotion, is simply an indicator to watch out for. Pain is a sign that something significant in me has been affected and is ready for change. I believe that I have always come out stronger and more prepared for future challenges. The first part of the quote is also true. While I know I hoped the world would become rosy and simple in recovery, the truth is that life is still life, full of ups and downs, gains and losses, joy and pain. My program is helping me deal with all of it, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation

Today may I become willing to recognize and accept pain, look beyond the hurt at the affect it is having on me and dare to look how I can grow and change as a result.

November 13

”Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.” Nico Lang

This evokes a strong reminder about some of my defects of character. Not to be stereotypical, but being a male and having been raised to believe that my emotions were not meant to felt, shared or expressed had some obvious effects on my emotional maturity. One of which has been that my coping mechanism has been to isolate, avoid and escape not only my feelings, but those of others. This has certainly created challenges in many of my relationships. This is a growth area for me, one place where I need to recognize when I am withdrawing from the world and leading me to realize when I need to just be in the moment to experience my own feelings or to be there to support a friend or loved one in the midst of their own emotionally-charged situation. I have lost many relationships due to this lack of empathy and it’s a mistake I would rather not repeat. There are many losses from my past that I may never rectify and relationships where the bridges may not be mended. I am working to maintain those relationships I have today which are important, nurturing and genuine to keep them around and to improve my relationship skills. Yet another place where my goal is progress and not perfection.

Affirmation

I will be open to recognizing those moments that make me uncomfortable, with myself or others, examine my emotions and take steps not to run away and to be there to support my own recovery and the lives of those who matter to me.

November 12

” It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” J. K. Rowling

I believe that addiction, any addiction, is a disease of choice. That the addictive process affects the brain’s ability to make choices, to evaluate a situation and to understand the repercussions of our actions. As most significant recovery literature points out, without this disease, the threat of the consequences, the harm it can and does cause to ourselves and those around us, would be enough to make us stop. The fact that we, that I, continued to make choices to support my addiction and to act out in spite of the damage it would cause, confirms that belief. I have learned in recovery that although I have this disease which affects how I make decisions, I am not doomed forever. The problem is only present when I am actively supporting my addict, and when I am sober, when I abstain from those behaviours and activities that are part of my addiction, I can and do make sane and healthy choices. It is said that actions speak louder than words. By corollary, my abilities, the things I am capable of, are not worth much if they do no match my choices and how I decide to interact with the world around me. My program is giving me the tools and tips to be a productive and connected member of society, rather than isolating and only seeking to fulfill my own selfish desires. I am grateful for the gift of choice which has been restored to me by working the steps.

Affirmation

I will focus on my ability to make choices today, and work at making the best choices that I can to support my program and my recovery.