January 3

”Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.” Carl Sagan

Absence of evidence, boy did I think I was good at covering my tracks of my acting out. I guess I was to some degree as I was able to keep taking greater and greater risks, or more likely I was just lucky. In reality I was caught red-handed more than once, but even that was not enough arrest my behaviours for more than a short period of time. The bigger problem is that my double-life, my lies, sneaking around and hidden activities only destroyed the trust of those close to me. Because I was good at keeping secrets it has made regaining that trust that much more of a challenge. I have lost relationships because the confidence could not be regained; it was and would have always remained an issue. Even still being in recovery, working my program, praying, meditating, reading, writing and all the other of my tools are not necessarily evidence of my continuing abstinence. Those who care about me have to take my sobriety on faith as I cannot provide any guarantees other than the fact that I am trying to be in recovery today. My promises are not worth much, and even less the further into the future that they extend. I need to provide continual proof that my behaviours are changing and also have to be prepared to answer any question at any time. My honest and open responses are paramount to rebuilding trust.

Affirmation I commit to being an open book. I have more to prove that I am working my program to regain the trust of those who are important in my life.

January 2

”Decide on what you think is right, and stick to it.” George Eliot

That little voice in the back of my head, my conscience, has become louder as I have kept up longer and longer periods of sobriety. My growing awareness of my thoughts, words and actions make it that much harder for me to live in blind ignorance, especially when to comes to anything that pertains to my addiction and recovery. I can no longer innocently claim that I don’t know any better as it is simply not true. One of the cornerstones of my recovery is my rigorous honesty, both with me and with others. This means that just answering questions truthfully when asked is not enough, but that I have to willingly disclose information that I am not questioned about. It means checking in with my sponsor or someone else in the program on a regular basis, on good days and bad days alike. My gut instinct has regained its place as a source to be trusted. No longer is my life dominated by my sexually compulsive behaviours, but by my recovery. The scales have tipped back in favour of my Higher Power and so I must remain vigilant and honest about keeping my choices in line with that balance. I do know better and as a result I am doubly accountable for my actions.

Affirmation I resolve to stay committed to my recovery today and to knowingly make choices to support that decision rather than settling for my old, poor behaviours.

January 1

”Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.” Jimmy Durante

As I step into a new year I am reminded of my successes and failures of the past year. I am thankful for having overcome the challenges of the past year and I feel that much more prepared to face all those that lie ahead. I am still cognizant that my foundation is not as solid as it could be and that my recovery is still fragile. I need to be continually aware of what I do and don’t do, what I say and how I think. My world can come crashing in if I stop putting First Things First. I owe it first to myself and second to everyone else around me to continue working my program of recovery and gaining knowledge through my 12 Step work. It is only through positive action that I will continue to change and grow, and keep following the will of my Higher Power. It is all the small things that have accumulated into my new habits and behaviours that will keep me moving in a better direction. Prayer and meditation, reaching out, attending meetings, writing, reading literature – all these tools and more will help me deal with the pressures of living. I will continue to give thanks, forgive myself and others, and remain in service. Every small act will propel me further into this grand new frontier that is recovery.

Affirmation Recovery requires persistence and diligence. It is a daily act of prevention and maintenance, not first aid for when I have fallen too far off the path.