August 21

”Be careful little eyes what you see, It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings, Be careful little feet where you go, For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.” Casting Crowns, Slow Fade

Looking back it is sometimes hard to pinpoint the moments where I crossed over into addiction. I don’t recall many events that pushed me into my double life. Rather, it was a long process, a number of incidents over the course of months and years that nurtured the darkness. A multitude of situations of rejection, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal and shame were the environmental causes that pushed me in a poor direction. I didn’t know better how to deal with these issues, and so my addiction with its false hope and promises, lured me into its clutches. The phrase from the quote “when darkness pulls the strings” really resonates with me, reminding how my addict felt like an evil part of me for so long. It was a diseased part of me, nothing I wanted to look at or acknowledge as being present. It has taken a great deal of introspection to see it more positively and to accept it as part of who I am. While my acting out and related behaviours were not the healthiest choices, they did still serve a purpose in protecting me and enabling me to get to where I am today. It’s the consequences that only added to my misery which make my addiction so unpleasant. The other cautionary note in this song is being wary of the little feet that follow. The last thing I want as a father is for any of my children to become an addict. Yet I know that my years in active addiction have had a negative impact on my children. I hope that my time in recovery, the changes that they can now see as I am living a better life, will serve as a better example.

Affirmation

Accepting the slow process of becoming an addict also helps me in accepting the slow process it takes to recover.

August 20

”Just take this as a warning. Know that there's always a price for not being yourself.” Benilde Little

Having had some exposure to the 12 Steps before ever setting foot inside an SAA meeting, I recall being a bit concerned about how sobriety would be defined. Would it mean complete abstinence from all forms of sexual activity? Were there grace periods or certain behaviours that were deemed normal? I really had no clue. Therefore I was certainly relieved to discover that each and every member was given the opportunity to define their own abstinence, but that the program provided guidelines to help determine it. Personally, I have adopted the idea of the inner, middle and outer circles as I find it works well for defining my program of recovery. With the aid of one of my sponsors, we created an abstinence contract which defined the behaviours or activities in each circle, along with a reason as to why they had been put there. It’s a tool that helps remind me of the damage that middle and inner circle items can create, and the support and nurturing that comes from those things in my outer circle. I do remember a period where my middle circle felt less like a warning bell, and more like the list of things that I could do because “they weren’t that bad.” I soon discovered the falsity of that belief, as indulging in my middle circle quickly led me to the edge of my inner circle. Today I am more aware that finding myself in my middle circle is the alarm bell that I have strayed from the path and I am walking along the edge of a cliff. It’s not a place for me to dabble, but when I need to re-double my efforts in working my program. The edge is often closer than I think.

Affirmation

Honesty is the key step to being myself. My middle circle is a dangerous place to play and I will take any sign that I am in it seriously and seek help to move back to my outer circle.

August 19

”Confidence is courage at ease.” Daniel Maher

Looking back I can see that there was a certain sense of confidence I had in my acting out periods of my life. The fact that I was so obsessed by my addiction, that I poured so much of my time and energy into, means that I actually got good at it. This is not any achievement that I am proud of, but in examining this, there are lessons I can learn to help me in recovery today. The biggest one is that in order to gain confidence in something new, it takes time, practice and effort. It means willing to risk making mistakes. It is about taking things slowly in small pieces and gradually making them bigger and more complicated. So living in recovery and working my program is a work in progress. It’s normal for it to feel awkward, to be frustrated by my lack of apparent progress and to feel like giving up. It’s only through perseverance and dedication, sticking to my guns, that I will make lasting changes. In time my confidence and self-esteem for my recovery self are going to show up. They have for me in many ways. I am able to recognize frequently when my addictive influence is trying to persuade me to go back to my old ways. This in turn allows me to act in preventative ways instead of only cleaning up after the mess. The program is returning my life to one of sanity and serenity, One Day At A Time. I am eternally grateful for my second lease on life.

Affirmation

Recovery is a learning process, a tear-down of the old me and the building up of a new one. One step at a time I will continue my transformation into the true me.