February 20

”Cowards die a thousand deaths. The valiant taste of death but once.” William Shakespeare

I have dealt, more or less, with the major blow of losing my marriage to my addiction. The pain and grief of that failure washed over me in a few, large events and I hoped that was the extent of it. Nothing prepared me for the thousands of small deaths that have followed. It is not as easy as I thought to move forward from a decade of being with someone else in such a close relationship. Frequently something from my past pops up out of nowhere, an old photo, a card, some memorabilia, a song, or whatever else that triggers a memory of what has been lost. In that moment I am taken back to dealing with the emotions and my past. Then there are the living things, and hardest of these are my children. They are a constant reminder of a part of my life that is no longer there, and something that I was not able to repair. Yet I know that my life is much saner now that where I was. Shakespeare seems to imply that a glorious death is more worthy, but I think the contrary – it is the ability to surpass the thousands of small deaths, to repeatedly overcome our suffering that builds character and makes me “valiant.”

Affirmation As the saying goes, what does not kill me makes me stronger. Facing my emotions from the pain and suffering of the past will strengthen me for the challenges that lay ahead.

February 17

” May you have the hindsight to know where you've been The foresight to know where you are going And the insight to know when you have gone too far.” Irish Blessing

Even in recovery and with months of sobriety under my belt, I still have moments where I don’t make the best choices. I still think I know better, or act on impulse, or choose to avoid asking advice from others before I make a decision. So being human, I still make mistakes. My path is different today in that I have more maturity and I don’t try to escape the consequences of my actions. Admitting I have made an error, acted in poor judgement or whatever the case may be opens the door to seeking to correct the situation. In acting more responsibly I avoid medicating not only the act itself, but the pain and guilt that come with denying my emotions. Hindsight, foresight and insight are concepts that are becoming new tools in my recovery. The ability to delve inward and look at where I came from, to see the hope of where I want to go, and to recognize when I have surpassed my boundaries are all strengths to be gained from the steps of my program. Each is a form of self-awareness that was not available to me in the past but that I can put to use each day to remain focused on the right path.

Affirmation Looking at my past, present and future from a sober place helps me to maintain my course while working my program.

February 12

”You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction.” George Lorimer

As I reflect on  my life today as opposed to a few years ago when my addiction was very active, there are a number of striking differences. Probably one of the most significant is in terms of my sense of purpose. In my acting out days, I felt lost, without purpose, and as though I was simply going through the motions. Today, I have something to live for, something to strive to achieve, goals and dreams that I want to realize. The change has happened subtly and progressively. Probably the first stage was getting to a point where waking up meant that my purpose for the day was to be in recovery. That was 2 big accomplishments in one, first wanting to work my program, but also wanting to be in the moment and live for today. Today I sense a number of different avenues of purpose. And while recovery is still important, I have found an even greater purpose, and that is to continue to seek and be willing to follow the will of my Higher Power. It is more than just abstinence from my compulsive sexual behaviours, but a desire to be a servant and to give of myself to others. My spiritual aspect that used to be buried has now come to the forefront to lead me on my journey.

Affirmation I will find the strength, courage and ability to move with purpose as I surrender myself to the will of the God of my understanding.

February 5

”Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’” Luke 9:23

My religious background always led me to believe that the cross I had to carry was a burden, a punishment of sorts that was simply part of my life on Earth. It’s probably one of the many reasons that I turned away from the formal institution in my adolescence, that and the sense I had at the time of being brain-washed in ritual. My spirituality has matured a great deal in my recovery. While there is a God, of my understanding, that I value as my Higher Power, it is no longer the same figure I was raised to believe in. This transformation has also started to give me new insight into the cross I bear. I no longer see it as a burden, but as a tool. Perhaps seeing it as a yoke is more appropriate for me in my life today. A yoke gives the impression of work. Now I see all that I carry with me not as something to weigh me down, but as the experience, strength, hope and wisdom I have gained in this world which I can share with others. With this change of perspective also comes a change of attitude. Rather than dreading each day, and the burden I must carry forward, I can start my day joyously glad of all the opportunities that lay before me to share my gifts with others in need.

Affirmation As I strengthen my connection to my Higher Power, I will find strength and hope in places where there used to be only darkness and despair.

February 4

”Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.” Albert von Szent-Gyorgi

A large part of my healing process has involved redefining who I am. The realization that I lived a double life for so many years led me to question who I was, what my values where, and what I stood  for. Just as my addiction hid my spirituality from me, it also buried many of my other beliefs and principles that were contradictory to the selfishness and single-mindedness of my compulsive behaviours. Working the Steps, especially the 4th and compiling my personal inventory, was a painful, but productive process in identifying the person I am. It also brought me to the conclusion that I have a very powerful and freeing choice, I can choose to let go of those parts of me that I don’t like, which do not support me, and carry forward with only the positive pieces. It’s within me right now to be the person I want as only I can continue to let my past pull me down. It was hard at first to take an honest look in the mirror and stop seeing that dark shadow that lurked just beneath the surface. In time, as I have continued to surrender, as I delve deeper within myself, I am coming to accept that reflection which stares back at me. I know I am worth more than how I used to see myself.

Affirmation I have the power see myself better, to define who I want to be based on today, and not upon the deeds of yesterday.