July 24

”All glory comes from daring to begin.” Eugene F. Ware

Sometimes my glory in recovery comes from daring to begin, to take a new step, to use a tool, or to reach out. Other times my success comes by daring to wait and postpone, to acknowledge a trigger or the pull of my addiction and hold off taking any action that would lead me toward my middle or inner circle. It still amazes me that I have gained this ability, the simplistic capacity to put aside my obsession for 5 minutes or a few hours. I still recall all too well the years where I scarcely thought of anything but sex. It’s no small wonder the guidance of the program is laid out for us in steps. I couldn’t have seen tackling my issues any other way than one step at a time. It has felt less daunting and more achievable knowing that there is a method of concrete pieces that can lead me to serenity. My life used to be focused on instant gratification. Sex was the predominant subject, but through introspection I know that many other aspects of my life sought to have m needs filled right now, the way I wanted it done. Recovery is about delaying satisfaction, about focusing on others, and certainly about learning to put the will of my Higher Power before my own ambitions. All this and more has come from my daring to say for the first time, Hi my name is Scott, and I am a sex addict.

Affirmation In many small ways my recovery will show me new ways to live, new ways to handle life events, and different avenues to act and feel.

July 20

”The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Destiny, fate, karma – these are still some concepts that I have difficulty in looking at. Was I destined to become an addict, was it fate that predetermined my path to get here? I used to question myself like this frequently in my early recovery. As I have grown in the program and rekindled my connection to my Higher Power, I have been less concerned about these ideas. I am happy turning my life and will over to the care of the God of my understanding. I trust that the path he has laid before me is a good one. And I guess if you want to look at it that way, it is a destiny of a sort. The difference in this new way of living is that I am no longer trying to bend the universe to my own will. I no longer strive to have things my way, when and how I want them to be. I am no longer so conceited to see myself as the centre of it all. Instead I am seeking to share my talents, my hope, strength and experience with others. I would rather serve others. I can still lead by example by do not demand to be followed. I seek forgiveness and compassion. I am striving to become the person my Higher Power had in mind, do to His will and to help others along the way. And that is indeed a noble pursuit.

Affirmation I will ask for guidance today to see the path my Higher Power has lain before me and for the courage and strength to do his Will.

July 17

”A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw

I don’t like making mistakes. And the only thing I like worse than making one, is admitting it. Yet it is the admittance of the mistake, and not the fact that I made it, where the opportunity for growth lays hidden. In owning up for the errors of my ways, my imperfections, I gain insight and valuable experience, and the chance to try again. I cannot imagine a life spent doing nothing. It would be boring, stagnant, and very long. Life is about purpose and exploration, curiosity and discovery, in trial and, yup you guessed it, error. I am part of this imperfect species known as the human race. I don’t know all the answers even if I might say or act as though I do sometimes. I am simply blundering along as best I can, trying not to really foul things up. Being a recovering addict continues to be a humbling experience. Taking the long hard looks in the mirror has forced me to reconcile with myself and my inner demons, to accept myself wholly, strengths and faults alike. It is in this self-awareness that I can seek balance, that I can find serenity within, and find the ways to let my Higher Power guide me.

Affirmation In seeking I will find, and there are no better opportunities to see myself than by looking at my mistakes and growing from them.

July 7

”Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” Veronice Roth

I am redeemed. I am remade. I am worthy. I matter. I deserve goodness and to be happy. These are the small things that my Higher Power, through His grace, has given me and that I now hold in my possession. Not because I deserve them, not because I have asked for forgiveness, and not because I have made amends. I have all these gifts because I believe that He made me in His image, and that He gave His son to the world for all of our sins. My views of perfection are changing. I want to be more like the God of my understanding, more selfless, fuller of unconditional love, and certainly more humble. I am learning the power to give, to forgive, and to surrender. I am starting to walk more like a child of God. I no longer struggle as much to live by my own will and for my own desire. When I find myself faced with a tough decision, I am more likely to pray for the wisdom to find the path my Higher Power has lain before me. When I feel overwhelmed, I get on my knees and surrender, turning the situation over to His care. I am acutely aware that He can do things for me that I cannot do on my own. And I am happy be of service.

Affirmation I will seek to serve today rather make demands; to follow rather than lead, to surrender rather than fight. It is the will of my Higher Power that keeps me sane.

July 4

”Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities.” Aristotle

There are days in recovery that I find it challenging to be happy, to feel true contentment for being here. These are days when I find myself at risk of hearing the voice of my addiction, the empty promises that seek to fill an unnamed void. It’s still frightening how a small seed of a thought, an act, or a hint of middle circle behaviour can float in and out of my day, distracting me and tugging at me, risking to pull me towards action inch by inch. I need to get through days like this however I can. One trick is simply delaying taking a thought and making it a reality. Telling myself it has to wait until later can give me time for the power of the suggestion to fade. It also gives me the chance to do something else, like reach out, pray, or meditate to strengthen my resolve. Even still, there are days like this that are a rollercoaster ride, a constant tugging up and down of my recovering self and the addict. I need to keep fighting the good fight. I also need to be willing, should I succumb to the pull and slip into old behaviours, to forgive myself and climb right back onto the path of recovery. I am only human after all.

Affirmation In recovery there will be days that are harder than others, but I will continue to struggle against the current of my addiction which continues to lose its power over me.

July 1

”Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us.” Jane Austen

National holidays can be a time for reflection on pride. I am a proud citizen of the country that I live in, even though it is a result of a decision by my parents and not anything of my own doing. Yet I still feel proud to be an active member of my environment. I feel that I contribute more to my community and society than I take, and that in general I reflect the values and beliefs of those around me. I am also regaining my self-pride. Spending more time being true to myself and no longer leading a double-life is something I deserve to be proud of achieving. I think honestly that my pride is humble, that I have taken this road of recovery for myself and not for the recognition of others that I am changing. I am certainly not going through the painful experience of getting to know myself to please somebody else. It can still be challenging to experience satisfaction in a job well done, especially in looking at how my life is better in sobriety. There are still those small whispers that tell me I don’t deserve things to be good because of how poorly I behaved in the past. Yet those are remnants of my addiction, still seeking to sabotage the healthier choices I am making today. And I can certainly be proud of having gained an ability to ignore those thoughts that will lead me back into the insanity and chaos.

Affirmation I will accept myself for who I am, and I am allowed to celebrate my accomplishments and take pride in the person I am becoming.