August 26

”Human beings, we have dark sides; we have dark issues in our lives. To progress anywhere in life, you have to face your demons.” John Noble

There are days like today where I am really not very proud of myself. After a conversation with someone who I care about where I have to admit, once again, that I have lied, cheated, done or said something to break their trust, have disrespected them in some way, I don’t feel very good about being me. Then there is admitting I’ve done those same things to the relationship with myself, as well as the one with my Higher Power. Living a program of rigorous honest isn’t simple, has many parts that are not enjoyable, and doesn’t come without a lot of hard work and effort. I don’t like having to be reminded that I have to try harder to follow my program of recovery, to respect my rules and boundaries and abide by the things I’ve place in my circles. The pull to just be normal is too strong and attractive sometimes. Yet if I look in the mirror, although it’s not tattooed on my forehead, there is a reflection of an addict. Me, the broken one, struggling to find the way to live a life where my disease is manageable and I am not always out of control. Yes, moments like this can make me question why I continue to bother. Why not just simply give in, go back to the way things used to be. Two good reasons come to mind. The first one is that I can no longer go back to who I was. I no longer have the ignorance of not having identified my disease. Secondly, and more important, I am well aware of all that I stand to lose, all the consequences that await me at the end of the darker path. Given the options, I will pick up the heavy burden today and pray for the strength to carry until tomorrow.

Affirmation

Gray days will happen, and there will be times when I need to clean the slate once again, and share all that is still happening beneath the surface. This is the only way for me to stay sober.

August 25

”Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.” Les Brown

Part of my self-discovery in my recovery work has been to look at some of the beliefs that I have carried with me from childhood. One area has been to investigate all the things I have learned from the fairy tales of my youth. In doing so, there are many simple truths that simply aren’t true. Happily ever after, well it may exist, but it doesn’t just fall into anyone’s lap. Love at first sight, well experience would say lust, and then reality eventually comes back into the picture. This internal work continues to show me, time and time again, that most of the things that are worthwhile in my life will only remain that way as long as I continue to choose to make them a priority. I will continue to be in love because I make the choice, each and every day, to love the partner I am with. As a result I will dedicate time and energy to nurture that relationship. Choosing to be a good father/coworker/friend falls into the same pattern. The simple truth of the matter is that it is where I put my time and energy that counts. This is where my willpower comes into play. I do have the capacity to choose to focus on these positive aspects. I do have the ability to turn my will over to my Higher Power, and ask for help to keep them a priority. In committing to recovery, in seeking to learn how to be a better me, I have little choice but to move away from my old behaviours that held me back. The motivation is within me, and always has been.

Affirmation

It’s not enough for me to say I want something. I need to make the effort to incorporate what I want into my life in order to realize my goals.

August 21

”Be careful little eyes what you see, It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings, Be careful little feet where you go, For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.” Casting Crowns, Slow Fade

Looking back it is sometimes hard to pinpoint the moments where I crossed over into addiction. I don’t recall many events that pushed me into my double life. Rather, it was a long process, a number of incidents over the course of months and years that nurtured the darkness. A multitude of situations of rejection, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal and shame were the environmental causes that pushed me in a poor direction. I didn’t know better how to deal with these issues, and so my addiction with its false hope and promises, lured me into its clutches. The phrase from the quote “when darkness pulls the strings” really resonates with me, reminding how my addict felt like an evil part of me for so long. It was a diseased part of me, nothing I wanted to look at or acknowledge as being present. It has taken a great deal of introspection to see it more positively and to accept it as part of who I am. While my acting out and related behaviours were not the healthiest choices, they did still serve a purpose in protecting me and enabling me to get to where I am today. It’s the consequences that only added to my misery which make my addiction so unpleasant. The other cautionary note in this song is being wary of the little feet that follow. The last thing I want as a father is for any of my children to become an addict. Yet I know that my years in active addiction have had a negative impact on my children. I hope that my time in recovery, the changes that they can now see as I am living a better life, will serve as a better example.

Affirmation

Accepting the slow process of becoming an addict also helps me in accepting the slow process it takes to recover.

August 20

”Just take this as a warning. Know that there's always a price for not being yourself.” Benilde Little

Having had some exposure to the 12 Steps before ever setting foot inside an SAA meeting, I recall being a bit concerned about how sobriety would be defined. Would it mean complete abstinence from all forms of sexual activity? Were there grace periods or certain behaviours that were deemed normal? I really had no clue. Therefore I was certainly relieved to discover that each and every member was given the opportunity to define their own abstinence, but that the program provided guidelines to help determine it. Personally, I have adopted the idea of the inner, middle and outer circles as I find it works well for defining my program of recovery. With the aid of one of my sponsors, we created an abstinence contract which defined the behaviours or activities in each circle, along with a reason as to why they had been put there. It’s a tool that helps remind me of the damage that middle and inner circle items can create, and the support and nurturing that comes from those things in my outer circle. I do remember a period where my middle circle felt less like a warning bell, and more like the list of things that I could do because “they weren’t that bad.” I soon discovered the falsity of that belief, as indulging in my middle circle quickly led me to the edge of my inner circle. Today I am more aware that finding myself in my middle circle is the alarm bell that I have strayed from the path and I am walking along the edge of a cliff. It’s not a place for me to dabble, but when I need to re-double my efforts in working my program. The edge is often closer than I think.

Affirmation

Honesty is the key step to being myself. My middle circle is a dangerous place to play and I will take any sign that I am in it seriously and seek help to move back to my outer circle.

August 19

”Confidence is courage at ease.” Daniel Maher

Looking back I can see that there was a certain sense of confidence I had in my acting out periods of my life. The fact that I was so obsessed by my addiction, that I poured so much of my time and energy into, means that I actually got good at it. This is not any achievement that I am proud of, but in examining this, there are lessons I can learn to help me in recovery today. The biggest one is that in order to gain confidence in something new, it takes time, practice and effort. It means willing to risk making mistakes. It is about taking things slowly in small pieces and gradually making them bigger and more complicated. So living in recovery and working my program is a work in progress. It’s normal for it to feel awkward, to be frustrated by my lack of apparent progress and to feel like giving up. It’s only through perseverance and dedication, sticking to my guns, that I will make lasting changes. In time my confidence and self-esteem for my recovery self are going to show up. They have for me in many ways. I am able to recognize frequently when my addictive influence is trying to persuade me to go back to my old ways. This in turn allows me to act in preventative ways instead of only cleaning up after the mess. The program is returning my life to one of sanity and serenity, One Day At A Time. I am eternally grateful for my second lease on life.

Affirmation

Recovery is a learning process, a tear-down of the old me and the building up of a new one. One step at a time I will continue my transformation into the true me.

August 17

”Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.” Alexander Graham Bell

Being in recovery requires concentration. This is a new way of living, and in many respects it is quite different from how I lived my life for many years. Therefore it does not come naturally or instinctively to recognize my feelings, to notice triggers, or to stay focused on the present moment. The best I can equate it to is learning a new language, that my head needs to learn to think “in recovery”, that I need to grasp the grammar of the steps so that I can act in ways that support my program. This is no easy task. And it was hardest in the beginning, when everything was new. Yet it has eased over time, gradually I have been able to form new habits, make tools and behaviours feel more normal. But I can still remember those initial moments when most things felt awkward and forced. But that is because they were. Changing fundamental parts of me is not pleasant, it goes against the normal of how things have always been. This is not something I managed to do totally of my own accord. I needed a support network, others in recovery, friends and family, to help encourage me to continue down this new path. The unfamiliar territory was a little scary at first, but I knew the old path was even worse. The risk has been worth it, even though the discomfort was there. Discomfort for me now means change, and change has been a positive in my life in recent years. I am slowly shedding the skin of my addiction and letting my true colours come to light. It’s an effort of concentration and focus well worth the pursuit.

Affirmation

Recovery is a learning experience. It requires my time, energy and dedication to become an integral part of me, but the reward is well worth my efforts.

August 16

July 16

”You are the only person on earth who can use your ability.” Zig Ziglar

There are days when I have to remind myself that I am unique. It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling like just another person in society, following the same rules, and forgetting all the things that make me who I am. But the truth is that there is no one else out there like me. My experiences are mine and mine alone. No one else has the same set of strengths and weakness that I do. No one else looks exactly like me, speaks like me, works like me or thinks like me. I am the only and only me. So then it follows that my Higher Power gave me what I have. I am the only one who can work with those tools, abilities and skills. Others might be able to see them and try to bring them to bear in certain circumstances like work, on a sports team or in a community group. But it still comes down to me putting them into action. And I waste those talents when I choose not to put them to use. So it’s true that I, as a member of the human race, have a responsibility to be of service. How else can I share my knowledge, experience and skills with others? The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions promote a life of service. While my recovery is a selfish pursuit, focused on bettering myself, the end result is that I am a healthier and more responsible citizen who can share the best of myself with the world around me. That is a worthy endeavour and something I strive to do each day. How can I be of service to others today?

Affirmation

In improving my own state of coping with the world, I will become better able to give back and be of service to others.

August 15

”Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” Eliza Tabor

I’m not sure how noble my soul is, but I can certainly accept that my intentions in recovery are indeed noble. The process of wanting to better myself, to leave my poor habits and behaviours behind while replacing them with more mature and positive ones is certainly a noble endeavour. Disappointment, failure and even loss can be used to fuel change. They can be the starting point to temper my resolve, to strengthen my courage, and to intensify my commitment. While they do not destroy, if I feed them instead with worry, doubt and fear, they will cover up my feelings, dragging me down the path of despair and desolation. Herein lies my dilemma, to choose the path that will nurture me and help me grow, or to follow the other which will stunt and retard my progress. The latter path is well known to me, the way is smooth and free of obstacles. The nurturing path is barely cut and full of thistles and thorns, deadfall that blocks the path, mud and other challenges. Yet it is in the struggle that I rediscover myself, that I put my new tools and ability to use and begin to build new roots. Setback is something I expect, I am learning to do things a new way and I accept that I will make mistakes. The goal is to continue trying and moving away from my old ways of behaving. This is part of the adventure of my new life.

Affirmation

My perception of failure, disappointment and setbacks can change to be a positive thing, a source of inspiration to continue down my new path.

In Memorium

'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.' The Latin term for that sentiment is Carpe Diem. Now who knows what that means?...Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Why does the writer use these lines?...Because we are food for worms, lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day gonna stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

Now I would like you to step forward over here and peruse some of the faces from the past. You've walked past them many times. I don't think you've really looked at them. They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen. Do you hear it? Carpe. Hear it? Carpe. Carpe Diem. Seize the day boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

Robin Williams

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I'm breaking from my writing pattern for a special occasion, the untimely passing of someone who has, likley unbeknowst to him, been a major role model for most of my life. Dead Poet's Society has remained my favorite movie of Robin Williams. My Captain has gone forth from the land, and not in a way I had hoped he might. His loss, especially as a suicide, has not change my opinion of him. Having faced demons of my own, I feel I can sympathize and understand, at least to a degree, where he has been.

And in the same moment, this event has brought about a mix of emotions. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. I am a big fan, I have had the blessing of meeting my idol in person backstage during one of his stand-up tours. I thought so well of him, that I have an unsent letter sitting in my computer, that was to accompany a copy of my meditation book as a gift of appreciation for the inspiration his career and talent has given me. That letter which has been written for 3 months while I wait for the right moment to send it. And then come the questions, did I wait too long to send it? Would he have received it and read it? Could I somehow have changed his path through that gesture? Then comes the reality of accepting that I will never know as I cannot go back into the past and make things different. Did I miss my chance to seize the day?

We are all worms for food, that is the fate that awaits each of us. Do I have the courage to take the reins in my life, to act with extraordinary courage and fearlessly pursue my dreams? Maybe I have been listening too long, waiting for the perfect moment, and instead need to act more swiftly before I am too late. Life is precious and fragile. Our grasp and understanding of the world and reality is often tenuous at best. Moments like these are a harsh reminder that none of us escapes this mortal coil alive. Therefore every moment is a gift and should be treated with care, and used to the best of its ability. So the unsent letter, although it may be too late to reach the intended recipient, is going in the mail tomorrow. Many other things that have been put aside now seem more important to me. I know for myself, this tragic loss will not be in vain, and it will be another source to fuel my recovery, my giving back to the world for the recovery and serenity I have found. Thank you Robin for being a source of inspiration that will carry on well after you have gone from this life. I know that Heaven is a much happier place now that you are there. God bless you and keep you, thanks for all the tears, all the laughter and for being who you were. Genie, you're free.

August 7

”Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.” Robert H. Schuller

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well, there are also cases where the opposite is true. Sometimes distance is a welcome visitor to help detach from people who have been poisonous in my life. And yet, even with the distance, small amounts of contact with those people from my past can bring those old wounds to the surface. It’s in these moments that I need to be able to turn to my hopes, to reflect on all the progress and change that I have made. I could all t0o easily fall back into reflecting on my regrets and pain of the past. This serves me no useful purpose; it will only depress me and take me away from the present moment. I am worth so much more now and I owe it to myself and the good people in my life to stay positive and to concentrate on all the great things I have. My hurts are there to fuel my transformation into the better person I have become. They can also shape my future, but my hopes are better suited to shape my goals and dreams. I have many things to be grateful for in my recovery and I look to find more each and every day. Life has become something to look forward to, and I am better able to move past the small hurts and reminders that threaten to disrupt my serenity. I am a bigger person than those petty arguments and spiteful words that can be thrown my way. I will stay on the good path.

Affirmation

Life can bring troubles yet I can decide to look past them and focus on the good things in my life. I have the power to choose to stay focused and positive.

August 2

”It is not your job to make anyone happy.  It is your job to be happy.  Then you're in the perfect position to uplift everyone you meet.” Alan Cohen

The more I find out about myself, about how I should be living, the more I discover that there is a lot of work involved. I need to be happy. I’m the one who needs to adjust their attitude. I have to lead my heart. I need to work my program. Me me me! Ok, so maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds. Truthfully, I got into the many of the messes I did because I was not responsible enough for myself. I was trying to simply coast through life, leaving the worries and pressures to others or simply just running away. It was far from a mature way of living. Life in recovery is a choice. Well, it’s actually a multitude of choices. And those choices are about being sane and sober, about being a better parent/partner/son/etc., and ultimately about being a better human being. So it is my job to be happy. It’s my job to lead my heart and to choose to love. It’s my job to turn the other cheek and to forgive. It’s my job to work my program and to live and breathe the Steps. It’s my job to have a positive attitude and outlook. These are the things I have committed to in becoming a better me. These are a part of my resolution to share who I am, my experience, strength and hope, with the world.

Affirmation

If I don’t take the step to make a change, to be positive, to be happy, it’s not likely that someone else is going to take it for me. I have to be the one to take charge and make life be a good experience.