December 30

”A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” David Brinkley

How do I react to the criticisms of others? What do I do with those who try to pull me down, discredit me, or make me look bad? Do I retaliate? Do I cower and hide? Or is there another option? I have spent much of my life lacking the self-confidence to stand up for myself, to defend my values and beliefs, to take charge when others have tried to bring me down. In truth, I believe that this was due in part because I did not have a good relationship with myself, nor with a Higher Power. Rather I lived letting others define who I was, how I should act, and determine what role I was supposed to be playing. Life in recovery has begun to show me that there is another way to go through this world. Following the will of the God of my understanding provides direction for my life. It also provides support and helps me to ignore those who do not wish to see me succeed in life. I am beginning to understand that much of that criticism comes from jealousy, envy and others misfortune and not that of my own. People who are mean tend not be well in their own lives and seek to put others down in attempt to make themselves feel better. That is not how I choose to live. I can use that negative energy targeted against me as proof that I am going in the right direction.

Affirmation

Negative reactions to how I am living can be as important as positive ones to reinforce that I am doing the right thing. I need to also be cognizant of the source of those reactions to determine what I should do with the feedback received.

December 29

” Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Confucius

The holiday season can be a particularly difficult one. It has indeed been hard for me over the past several years, for different reasons. Well, maybe not that different, many of my recent Christmas’ have been challenging because my family has had significant changes – some of those losses because of my separation and divorce, others because of gains as I also remarried and created a blended family. Each season of change brings with it unique aspects to adjust to and incorporate into the “new normal.” Through all of this, going with all my heart has been an underlying goal, but certainly something more difficult as I have dealt with losses. It is not always easy or obvious how to focus on all the blessings and good things that remain in my life when something important has been lost. Put another way, it’s hard to lead fully with my heart when I am feeling heart-broken. Maybe, in retrospect, I was there in those moments with my all my heart, at least those parts which were still intact. Perhaps this is another area where I need to be gentle with myself and accept that my capacity for love, affection and full commitment to being present is something that fluctuates given the circumstances I find myself in. My 100% doesn’t always translate the same way, and that is okay.

Affirmation

It is okay for my all to not been the same from day to day or season to season. I will focus on being present to the best of my ability, just for today.

December 28

”Just because fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.” Les Brown

Surrendering does not mean giving up. The Steps are teaching me that surrendering my will to that of the God of my understanding is about giving up on my ways which are not working and opening myself up to the guidance and direction of my Spiritual Source which knows better than me the path I should be taking. The only way for me to discover that road is to stop, to ask for direction through prayer or conscious contact with my Higher Power, and then listening through meditation and looking for the signs of the way to proceed. There is a heavy focus on accepting the hand that life has dealt me and looking to make the best of the situations that I find myself in. There is only so much I can do and only so much influence that I can exert at any given time. I have to trust in my abilities but also keeping in mind that I want to actively seek to do God’s will and not my own. If I am consciously seeking Him then I will go right more often than I go wrong. I will always be human, and I’m not always going to do things the right way, or let my ego get the better of me and be selfish from time to time. This is a process, a path of seeking progress and not perfection. The more I am consciously looking for the guidance of my Source the easier it becomes. And my life goes in a better, healthier direction as a result. I know my Higher Power never bluffs, so I will continue along faithfully following His way.

Affirmation

I have confidence that I can deal with whatever hand is dealt to me as long as I remember to seek the will of my Higher Power.

December 20

”Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.” Robert H. Schuller

As Shakespeare might have said, “Ay, there lies the rub.” Of course Hamlet was speaking about life and death and his choices to escape the pain. Then, again, maybe not so dissimilar to Mr. Schuller’s quote. How is it that I can choose to lead my life, by my sorrow and pain, or by my blessings and joy? An outsider might question that musing by asking if I have the power or ability to choose to have only blessings or sorrow in my life. Yet that is not exactly the question I asked, which was which do I choose to be led by? That implies a distinct difference, meaning that I acknowledge I will have both hopes and hurts in life, but that I can choose to focus on whichever I like. Either can be a catalyst for shaping my future. My hurts, I think, tend to lead me towards seeking justice, and sometimes revenge. It is less about growth than trying to rectify the past. In contrast, my hopes lead me towards goals, dreams and accomplishments. These are often acts of creation and service to help better the world around me. I can see how where I put my emphasis can have a big impact on my decisions and actions. I think hoping is a much healthier and productive option.

Affirmation

My future will be brighter if I focus on my hopes and dreams and take measures towards fulfilling them.

December 17

”Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” Les Brown

There are days where I find being responsible for my life a great burden. Usually this is due to my doing the right things and still having unpleasant things happen that I have little or no control over. It’s not always easy to remember all the blessings I have when tragedy strikes or when things I love are taken away. Life is not always fair. So what helps – getting angry at my Higher Power? Maybe for a brief moment. Pouting or getting depressed? Not really, this takes me away from people in my life who care about me, including myself. Writing, meditating, prayer or something else to allow myself to feel the emotions I am feeling? This is often the most unnatural reaction, yet the more I go here, the sooner I feel better. Life happens, the good, bad and the ugly. Most of life happens because of things I have absolutely no influence or control over. That’s just the way it is. So why do I have to try and fix everything all the time – it simply cannot be done, I am not God. It’s not my place to make things better. So I am left to live through my part in it all, make peace with my feelings, and take that next step forward, trusting in the God of my understanding. But for the grace of God go I, sometimes slowly, sometimes painfully, sometimes begrudgingly, but forward I will go.

Affirmation

Responsibility for my life includes being responsible to accept my feelings and to temper my reactions. I will be kind to myself when things are not going my way.

December 16

”Part of being a man is learning to take responsibility for your successes and for your failures. You can’t go blaming others or being jealous. Seeing somebody else’s success as your failure is a cancerous way to live.” Kevin Bacon

I do appreciate the discussion in Step 4 about resentment where we are called to focus on our part, however small, in situations where we are holding something against someone else. This has been helpful for me in two ways. The first, of course, has been in taking responsibility for my own actions. This was certainly something I shrunk away from during my life, especially during my periods of active addiction. The second way, and perhaps more important way, is realizing that I am not responsible for how others have acted or treated me. It is about coming to the realization that I have been holding on to grudges which have had the result of allowing that situation or person to keep power over me for a long time. This awareness leads to the conclusion that only I can let go of those issues from my past to grant me freedom. This is a large component of my work in recovery, to regain power where I have given it away. It is about recognizing where I have made mistakes, seeking forgiveness and making amends. It is about turning over what others have done to my Higher Power with the realization that I am powerless to change them.

Affirmation

I will work on acknowledging my part in situations of the past, and giving back responsibility to those who have wronged me in return.

December 15

”The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue.” Antisthenes

I once heard a fairly well-known celebrity remark on how his best introduction had been a time when the emcee had made a list of all the things that he was not. It seems a bit counter-intuitive, but then again so is the idea that we need to sometimes spend more time focused on unlearning things than being taught something new. I do see a strong relationship between this concept and Steps 6 and 7. Recognizing my character defects, becoming willing to let them go, and then asking my Higher Power to remove them is really an unlearning process. It is a housekeeping chore of getting rid of my old, unwanted, deteriorated and less useful attitudes, behaviours and beliefs. I need to make space in my life and my world before I can really focus on new ways of living. I am continually seeing how the Steps are a process of learning about myself so that I can get out of the way of my own self-centered ideas and actions. It’s about gaining the awareness that I need to surrender so that I am able to follow the will of my Higher Power. It’s taking the time to slow down, and stop to listen so that I can see the signs and hear the quiet voice of God directing my life His way. This is the power of my program.

Affirmation

Today I will be cognizant of old patterns of thought and behaviours that I need to unlearn in order make space for better ways to be me.

December 3

”Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.” William Feather

It is true that there are certain times of the year that have been inherently more difficult than others. Holidays, birthdays, and other special dates take on a new flavour with changes to relationships, new family dynamics, and a sense of grief and loss. I have had to come to terms with my new reality, more than once, and then find a way to accept this and the impact it has on such significant events. It is not always easy. Getting into the Christmas spirit, for example, is not something I feel like doing when I think about what has been lost, how things are not the same. I have to find the strength and the courage to focus on what I still have, and to realize that I still deserve to find happiness today, no matter what the situation is. There is a great deal of truth in the fact that I need to choose to find happiness within, because if my only sources of happiness are things which are external, well many of things are also temporary. That is not a recipe for long-lasting joy. This is a great parallel to my serenity and sobriety. I am not sustained by external things, by my strengthening my connection to my internal powers, my Source or Higher Power, and my sense of self. These are the aspects which will always be there; I only need to focus my energy on them. Joy to the world, I will let my light shine from within.

Affirmation

When I feel unhappy or at odds with the world today, I will slow down, breathe and remember that my true source of happiness and joy lies within me.

November 30

”Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.” Anthony Charles Lynton Blair

It’s hard to do the right thing all the time. It’s even harder to do the right thing when you see others doing the wrong thing and getting ahead and getting what they want. And yet experience is showing me that in order to get what my Higher Power wants me to have, well we’re back to needing to do that right thing. So it goes back to that simple question – is what I am doing to satisfy my own will, or His? Of course this raises up the whole issue of life being unfair, is there really karma, why do good things happen to bad people, and so on and so forth. My job is to stop when I feel myself being pulled into this trap. My concern here is not about everyone or anyone else, and to some degree not even about myself. It boils down to my willingness to surrender to the will of the God of my understanding. Am I truly committed to the program and the better way of life that promises sanity and serenity? Suffering and hard times are a part of life. However I am beginning to see that these darker times are required to provide the contrast to allow me to see the influence of my Higher Power in my life and the world around me. Just as the stars are always shining, I need the darkness of night for them to shine and to enjoy their beauty and wonder. My Higher Power has a purpose in everything, even pain and sadness.

Affirmation

I may be tempted by the easier, faster way today, but I will pause to focus on His Will and His Way.

November 28

”Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.” Anonymous

This is a reoccurring theme that I am hearing around me, in the Serenity Prayer, in the Bible, and in life. Accept what you cannot control, give thanks even in the darkest moments of despair, look for the silver lining. They are wise words, but there are times when it is not easy to see how to do it, how to let go, how to find joy in the pain, or how to dance in the rain. They all boil down to my faith in my Higher Power. How well do I trust that the God of my understanding has a purpose in mind for the situation I find myself in. How is the struggle I am facing going to help me, or help use me, to have His will followed? I simply cannot fathom all He has planned out for this world. So do I balk, do I throw a pity party, do I exclaim to all I meet “Woe is me!”? Or do I go back to surrendering, look back at all the wonderful gifts that I have been provided, the talents that I have, and the fact that I have survived 100% of my worst days so far and find ways to give thanks? It’s my choice to focus on the wall that it blocking my way or to look for the path that goes around it. It is my choice to be a rock on a windy day or the leaf that lets the breeze take it where it is supposed to go. I think I know which one I am supposed to do, God grant me the courage to be blown along the right path.

Affirmation

Today give me the strength to surrender my will and to be glad about it.

November 26

”The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment.” Bertrand Russell

My addiction wants instant gratification, the instant fix, that immediate high. It is not inclined to wait for the right, safe or perfect moment. This is the compulsive aspect, the irrational I need things my way NOW attitude that drove me into strange patterns of behaviour to fulfill that urgent desire. It can be a little unnerving looking back at just how crazy I used to act, and not realize how insane it all was. Part of my recovery has been exercising the ability to put things off, to feel that craving and to deny it, even for a short period. My ability to become aware of things that trigger that insatiable hunger has also introduce moments where I can find a distraction, say the Serenity Prayer, turn my mind to something from my program, or anything else to let the power of that call diminish even just a little. As someone in the program likes to say, it’s not so much a problem of willpower as it is a problem of won’t power – saying no to my addiction is not easy. I am learning that the things which are truly worth my time and effort in life are also things which are worth waiting for. Those parts of the world that bring me lasting joy, my fulfilling relationships, my great achievements – these require patience, waiting for the right moment, and doing things in the right, and often slow, manner that is needed to reach the goal. But this is a much healthier way to live than jumping from one temporary gratification to the next.

Affirmation

May I find the courage to recognize when I am triggered and the strength to delay acting upon it today.

November 25

”Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.” Anonymous

Perception is certainly a big problem in my life, my perception of things as much as the perception that others have of me. I still struggle with the awareness that although I know I have changed because of my recovery, this does not have an immediate impact on how others see or react to me. In some cases, unfortunately, it has no impact at all. This challenge goes back to the basic principle of accepting the things I cannot change and continuing to have the courage to change the things I can. To look at this from another perspective, I know for a fact that much of my life was lived trying to please other people. That same attitude fails if I hold it and try to recover for other people. My recovery is focused on getting my own life in order, for my own benefit. True, I expect it to have a positive impact on others in my life, but that is not my primary aim. I need to save my life first if I can ever hope to be of use to anyone else. In kind, the main reason for getting my life back on track is to acknowledge the will of my Higher Power in all things, and coming to a place where I am capable of doing the things He has planned. If I spend my time worrying about others, what they think or don’t think of me, then I am merely being distracted from my true purpose. I know I have wasted too much of my time already being concerned about others opinions, it’s high time that I focus on the God of my understanding who loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me wholly and completely.

Affirmation

In working my program, in returning to myself, I am being of service to my Higher Power and displaying my true character.

November 23

”Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” Norman Vincent Peale

If I take the follow-on step to the quote above, then I believe that prayer and meditation are the exercise of the spirit, another aspect of our being which we need to maintain and strengthen. A big part of recovery for me has been bringing those three aspects back into balance – mind, body and spirit. Each has a purpose and unique job but I am not whole without any of them. Focusing on some very basic principles was a starting point as I pulled myself out of the pit I found myself staring out from when I first admitted that I had a problem. Some of this is part of the oxygen mask principle that is part of a safety demonstration on an airplane – remember to put on your own mask before helping someone else with theirs. I need to start with the core aspects of who I am, my basic needs and ensure that they are being met, before I can venture out and start to help others. Considering my starting point from the depths of my addiction, it is not hard to see that this can take some time and effort. And some willingness and openness to be on the receiving end of a helping hand. The good thing is that most of those acts of self-care I learned at a young age and the good habits can be re-established quickly. Others that may have been lacking, or never practiced, such as prayer and meditation, may take more involvement and dedication to establish into my new life. Yet like exercise, the more I do it, the more my spiritual muscles get used to the idea, and the easier and less challenging it becomes.

Affirmation

I will flex my spiritual muscles today, and find time for prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, even if only a tiny bit.

November 21

”The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.” Albert Schweitzer

Working the steps has made me realize how much of my time in my addiction was spent stagnating. Maybe not to the point where I was spending my days as things inside me were dying, but there were certainly many aspects of my being that were not being nourished and allowed to grow. A big part of my work in recovery has been to revive those parts of me which have lain dormant for months and years, to help them flourish and thrive as they are a vital part of who I am. Obviously one of the most significant aspects was my spiritual self. This is one which definitely had to take a back seat in order for my addiction to maintain power and control in my life. This is also why the steps have been such a boon as they have guided me back to a healthy spirituality. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient. I am learning that nothing within me ever really dies; it can be rekindled and nurtured back to life. My addict tried relentlessly to keep the good and moral parts that were at odds with it hidden in the shadows. It’s part of my job to bring them back to the forefront where they belong. This is part of my process of surrendering and living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

I will focus on working the steps today to bring back those parts of me which my addict wanted left under lock and key. These are the things that will help me grow and thrive as I work my program.

November 19

”Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” Yiddish proverb

Steps 6 and 7 are about looking at our character defects, our bad habits, and asking our Higher Power to remove them. I don’t believe that we play no further part in the matter. For one thing, having made the list, the onus falls on me to continual be aware of when my character defects are showing, and to work at lessening their effect on my life and my relationships. I do have to power to diminish my reactions whenever something does not go the way I want or expect. I wish that there was some magically procedure where all my shortcomings could be taken away, one by one. However my experience has been that they disappear gradually, and more due to the fact that I choose not to focus on them. Instead I spend my energy focusing on developing and strengthening my good habits. Just like my addictive behaviours, many of my character defects are tried and true, comfortable practices and attitudes. As I delve into the depths of who I am, and what I truly believe, I can see how those things are no longer match the person who I am today. It is therefore in my own best interest to let them go so that I can focus on all the good things in my life. This is the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation

I will be aware today when my shortcomings come up, and I will breathe through them, rather than letting them run the show.

November 18

”Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state.” Steve Pavlina

I never thought I had an issue with self-discipline. That may be true, I am a creature of habit, and I am very good at sticking to a routine. The problem in recovery was realizing that my routine was unhealthy and that it needed to be amended. Change was, is, uncomfortable. Fully accepting the will of my Higher Power and believing in the program was at odds with my self-disciplinary actions of my past. So how did I get there? By following the Steps. Step 2 is about coming to believe that a Power greater than me can restore me to sanity – meaning that there is a different way for me to live. Steps 6 – 9 are my surrendering steps, where I work at getting out of the way of me. It’s about Letting Go and Letting God, a phrase which has a new sense in my life these days. It’s about letting God get to work in my life, to prune and take away all the things that have gotten in the way of letting His light shine through me. Rumour has it that when Michelangelo carved the statue of David, he started with a piece of stone which had been discarded. When asked how he carved, he said that he did not carve, but that he saw David within the stone and simply let him out. I am starting to understand that my Higher Power wants to do the same with me, to remove my defects of character and old, defective behaviours and attitudes so that I can be the person He created me to be and to serve His will.

Affirmation

The Steps are my program to bring me closer to my Higher Power, to make me aware and willing to do His will, His way.

November 17

”Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of a greater or equal benefit.” Napoleon Hill

I find the word adversity used quite often in self-help materials, so I finally decided to look it up in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster defines it as “a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.” I would say that more often I feel people equate it with a challenge or struggle, rather than such a dire circumstance as the definition leads me to believe it is meant to be used. Definition aside, I am coming to see the patterns in my life, particularly in recovery, where my most difficult periods have led to my biggest rewards. Even though that may be the case, it is often little consolation when I am struggling with an unpleasant situation. Like many things, those tough times can only be viewed as the start of a change towards something better in retrospect. So where does that leave me? Well the saying “This too shall pass” comes to mind. I do trust that my Higher Power is there with me, helping me to get through the storm and out the other side. I just have to keep my faith, keep persevering, continue putting one foot in front of the other and I will get where I am supposed to be going.

Affirmation

Life is a mixture of good times and bad, and the challenging times are opportunities for me to mature and grow.

November 16

”Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.” Orison Swett Marden

One of the recurring themes in my recovery has been the fact that the right choices have most often turned out to be the hard choices. Dedicating myself to my program, sticking with the steps, turning away from my addictive thinking and behaviors towards sanity and sobriety – all these have and continue to force me to make difficult choices. The ways of the past, doing what I am used to and comfortable with, going with the flow – that was the easier, faster way. But that path no longer works for me, the cost of living that way is far too great. So I push the boulder up the hill, walk on the coals of the fires I started, and plug the leaky dam with fingers, toes and whatever else I can find. Okay, maybe not literally, but some of the challenges have seemed overwhelming, like the odds were stacked against me. It has taken courage, strength, patience, love, support, but most of all faith, to stick with doing the right thing. Have I accomplished things? Certainly. Are these things that most people in my life can see? Most of them, not directly, no. Many of the hardest battles have happened between my ears, the struggle of choosing between my old behaviours and my new, resisting the urge to go back to my old way of life. Over time, though, these choices have indirectly had a positive effect on those around me. And of course a direct impact on my sanity and the manageability of my life.

Affirmation

Doing the right thing is often hard, requires more effort, and is a challenge. I will trust in my program and my Higher Power as I know the reward is worth it.

November 15

”There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.” Michael J. Fox

Loss is not a vacuum – that thought does indeed match my own experience. During the process of experiencing any significant loss, while I grieve, I know that loss has indeed felt like a hole that I wouldn’t climb out from. But I have always come out the other side, and the time it has taken me to make the climb seems to depend on how quickly I let myself fully experience the loss and learn from it. The program tells us that pain is a teacher. Maybe not a very pleasant one, but a teacher nonetheless. For me, it has become clear that pain, like emotion, is simply an indicator to watch out for. Pain is a sign that something significant in me has been affected and is ready for change. I believe that I have always come out stronger and more prepared for future challenges. The first part of the quote is also true. While I know I hoped the world would become rosy and simple in recovery, the truth is that life is still life, full of ups and downs, gains and losses, joy and pain. My program is helping me deal with all of it, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation

Today may I become willing to recognize and accept pain, look beyond the hurt at the affect it is having on me and dare to look how I can grow and change as a result.