”The weak can never
forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma
Gandhi
|
Steps 8 and 9 for me are the ones where “I
put my money where my mouth is.” Up to this point, the steps have been
focused on learning about and coming to accept who I truly am, the good, the
bad, and the ugly. In making my list of those who I have harmed, becoming
willing to make amends, and making those amends wherever possible, my recover
moves beyond being a personal thing. These are the steps of taking responsibility
for my past actions and behaviours with those around me.
My list was a long one. It was a daunting
process just to note all those who I had hurt along the way as I lived my
dual life. It was even more frightening to think that I would have to
confront all those people to seek amends for the way I had treated them.
Anyone who has been through this process can surely attest that it is not
something for the weak of heart. It took a great deal of courage to admit
that I had a problem to myself…admitting that to someone else in my fifth
step was a bit harder, doing this to people who were very close to me that I
had hurt – I thought would be impossible.
I am grateful for the wording of Step
Nine, especially the phrases “wherever possible” and “except when to do so
would injure them or others.” Just because I become ready to make amends,
doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is ready to receive
them. In truth, I have found the best amends for many of those on my list has
been to simple continue working my program, and ensuring I don’t repeat my
damaging behaviours. That is a gift for everyone involved, including myself.
|
Affirmation
|
Forgiveness
takes courage, but amends lead to freedom from my guilt and shame of the
past.
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These thoughts are part of my personal journal - reflections of where I am and have been in my recovery, but also where I want to be. My words come from my heart, and moments of clarity when I am best connected with my Higher Power. May God grant you serenity in reviewing my humble beginnings and my continuing path of recovery.
Book Sales
My first print run of 100 copies sold out, but I have had a second printing of an additional 250 copies done this year. So more are available, now at a cost of $20 CAD. My second book, Twelve Steps for Everyday Living, is now available for purchase for $15 CAD. It is my attempt, based on my experience and those who've been a part of my recovery journey, to transform the 12 Steps into a tool for anyone to use to navigate the challenges and trials of life.
In Serenity,
Scott Email: sastewart74@gmail.com
Review it? Do you have a copy and enjoy what you have read? Can you help me promote it by leaving a good review at Goodreads (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21939460-lean-on-me)? Thanks for your support.
In other news, after a long debate and some peer pressure, I have started a second blog, along the same vein as Lean on Me, but in my second language. You can check it out here - Tomber dans l'appui.
Saturday, 4 February 2017
February 4
Friday, 3 February 2017
February 3
”Compassion is the
antitoxin of the soul: where there is compassion even the most poisonous impulses
remain relatively harmless.”
Eric
Hoffer
|
I recall life in my active addiction, and
that all too frequent feeling of being a passenger within my own body as if some
other entity was in control. I can remember multiple occasions where I awoke
from a trance-like state in the middle of acting out, without any clear
recollection of how I got to where I was. I didn’t fully comprehend the grasp
that those compulsive behaviours had on me, nor did I truly know how to stop
them.
It was not until I found the rooms of my
S-group that I truly began to comprehend my situation. Certainly one of the
first things I noticed was the compassion and understanding present within
all those occupying the seats around the table. I was finally surrounded by
others who could relate, and for the first time in a long time, I did not
feel alone.
It would still take a good deal of time
within the confines of those rooms to free myself from the confines of my
mind. Yet the support I received during meetings, in step groups, and back in
the “real world” helped me along my path to resisting those toxic impulses.
Even more amazing, I witnessed several times where the sharing of my own
pain, and my resurfacing compassion, were of use to someone else struggling
with this painful addiction. Life is truly amazing, thanks to my Higher
Power.
|
Affirmation
|
There
is a tremendous power in the compassion of the human spirit; I will be open
to others in the program to help support me on my journey today.
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Thursday, 2 February 2017
February 2
”Living well is the
best revenge.”
George
Herbert
|
Through my in-depth work of my 4th
step, one of the patterns that emerged was that of revenge. Recognizing that
as a teen I often felt rejected by my peers, by my friends, and even on
occasion my parents, I sought retribution through revenge. Yet my revenge in
most cases was not direct. In fact, for quite some time, my revenge only
happened in my own head, in my dreams and fantasies where I found ways to get
back at those by whom I had been hurt.
In time, those fantasies could not stay
fully confined to my thoughts, so small parts of them moved from the
imaginary into possibility – planning and scheming. Eventually even that was
insufficient, and some acts then became reality. Gratefully my transition was
kept to activities where I was very discreet, and which were not directly
targeting people, but their possessions. Yet still, as I have come to
understand my motivations, the intent was there to seek some form of
retaliation. In fact, in many cases I felt the effect was increased by the
fact that the person would likely never know.
Gladly, after a good deal of effort in
putting the steps into practice, I have a new way to seek revenge for the
hurts of the past and the present. The best way I can deal with the times
where I feel rejected, ignored, or ridiculed is to continue working my
program. By not letting those negative situations derail me, I become a
testament to the power of recovery which has taken hold in my heart, my soul,
and my mind.
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Affirmation
|
My
defects of character do not always have to vanish, but can sometimes be
transformed into a healthier way of looking at the world and dealing with
life on life’s terms.
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Wednesday, 1 February 2017
February 1
”You can’t fix your
broken thinking with your broken thinking.”
Anonymous
|
One of my challenges in accepting that I
suffered from an addiction, that I had this disease, was coming to terms with
the fact that I couldn’t fix myself with anything I already knew. By delving
into the First Step, by admitting that my life was unmanageable and that I
was out of control, I saw the many ways in which I had, unsuccessfully tried
to do things my way to break the bad habits and patterns of my life. This
acceptance of course helped to lead me to the second and third steps, a
willingness to turn my life over to a Higher Power that could restore me to
sanity. In this way, I moved towards a new way of dealing with life, of
trusting in something other than my own will to live, or my addiction, so
that I could find my path back to a healthy life.
This is the secret of the first three
steps, as I understand them. The first means accepting that my thinking, my
coping mechanisms, and my reality, are broken. Step Two is the promise of
hope of a different way of life if I trust and surrender my will to a safe
Higher Power. And finally in the third step I take action, even if only a
baby step, by becoming willing to let my Higher Power guide my life and my
actions.
These steps were transformative for me.
With the help of my sponsor and fellow members, progressing through them
began the process of turning my life away from the fantastical world of my
addiction towards reality. I was able to finally begin to see the fog life
from the control of my addictive thinking that had clouded my judgement and
reasoning for so long. Faith in my Higher Power led me back into the light of
day.
|
Affirmation
|
I
will remember the basics of the program as expressed in the first three steps
today, acknowledge my problem, that there is hope, and that there is a
different and better way to live.
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