June 30

”Not a day passes over this earth but men and women of note do great deeds, speak great words and suffer noble sorrows.” Charles Reed

While history best remembers the words and works of great men and women, whether for noble or more impure reasons, I think true greatness is displayed best in those who are managing to exist in harmony from day to day. There is something to be said for those who maintain a simple life, who remain connected to family and friends, have a good sense of spirituality and morality, who respect the planet and all its inhabitants. These people will rarely be found in the history books, won’t be taught to our kids in school, are not immortalized in song yet have, in my opinion, likely found the most wisdom. Greatness is surely subjective…and while I can think of many well-known people whom I consider great, I am sure there are thousands more, who if their stories and their ordinary lives were made known, who I find have an equal measure of greatness. This is one of the many things I appreciate when I hear the experience, strength and hope of other members. Their stories of facing insurmountable odds, rising from the depths of pain and despair, the courage they display on a regular basis, all this and more makes me feel they deserve recognition of greatness. We in the fellowship have certainly suffered as noble as any.

Affirmation I will look for the simply greatness in those around me and it is certain to help me find it within myself.

June 29

”I praise loudly; I blame softly” Catherine the Second

This is certainly a lesson I still need to work on. For too many years I have done the opposite, blamed loudly and praised softly – if at all. I know part of that comes from my family of origin and always feeling like I had to deliver perfection. My faults and my mistakes have always seemed bigger and more prominent than my achievements. I guess in some ways it comes more naturally for me to treat others in the same fashion as a result. This is certainly a defect of character that I will need to work at turning over to my Higher Power. As I gain awareness of my own positive traits and strengths I also need to take the similar steps in treating others better. Especially with my kids, I know too well ho that treatment affected the impressionable child that I was. I am trying to learn not to blame others at all. First and foremost I need to be honest and take responsibility for my own actions. And rather than laying blame I know look to express my feelings about how the actions of others affect me and then seek to forgive them. There is a power and freedom in this new way of living that I could never have imagined.

Affirmation Today I will seek opportunities to praise, and to forgive rather than blame.

June 28

”Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be the night, and we can scarcely see the way.” Charles B. Newcomb

Cycling is one of my favorite forms of exercise. It is something I used to do a lot in my youth that I have only recently put back into my life. I remember in my younger days how I used to bike at night, on my way home from work, a friend’s place, or simply to have some time alone. On many of those night trips I used to speak to God as I pedalled, it was my time where I felt at ease to speak my mind. Recently I have restarted the practice of talking to my Higher Power while riding my bike. The combination of being close to nature, exercising and breathing fresh air, plus the memories of years ago makes me feel at home in having these conversations. There is an added comfort in reconnecting to parts of my past that were healthy and constructive. Praying while on a bike path at night where I can only see as far as my lights gives me the impression of being alone with God. At the same time, I find a strong metaphor in having to put my faith in Him to show me the way. I may be in control of the bike and what I can see, but everything in the darkness is in His hands. Yet I trust and believe that He will guide me to the right place.

Affirmation I can look for behaviours from my past that were positive but which I stopped because of my addiction. Putting them back into my life is important for my recovery.

June 27

”You get nowhere with theories. Try to be simple and always take the next step…So climb down from the mountain…and follow your nose. This is your way and the straightest.” Carl Jung

It’s a great aide for me to go to meetings, to read all the literature I can get my hands on, and to be open to listening to the experience, strength and hope shared by others. But the only way for me to change is to start applying those tools and principles in my life. The theory is terrific but will not have any effect unless I transform it into action. I recall being very enthusiastic and reading and absorbing everything I could when I first discovered the fellowship. I soon became saturated with knowledge, yet found myself still discouraged, still floundering in middle and inner circle behaviour. It took a little while to realize that having all this knowledge wasn’t enough, I actually had to do something with it and put it into practice. These days I am living my program. I have several tools that I have found work well in my life and I make use of them on a regular basis. I am still reading literature and garnishing information from others, but my focus is more on how I can use that knowledge to reinforce my own program or add in a new tool. I know my actions speak louder than words in showing others how my life is changing.

Affirmation Today I commit to living in recovery and showing my new way of being through my actions.

June 26

”Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present.” C. S. Lewis

My outlook and manner of living my life have changed significantly from when I first discovered the program. Today I look at ways of sharing my talents and abilities with others rather than being focused on solely fulfilling my own wants. In fact, I find there are fewer and fewer things I want and that taking care of my needs is sufficient to keep me going. Even more, many of my wants have now become my desire to help others simply because I can. One of the places in my life where I notice this has changed the most is in dealing with my spouse. Whereas it used to be challenging to get me to help out, nowadays I do things as soon as I am asked or even take the initiative to simple to what needs to be done. It doesn’t matter whose chore it is, who did it last, whatever. If I am capable and have the time to do it then why shouldn’t I? I know I am making a concerted effort to live in the present. By my new understanding of what love is, I have a new desire to share my abilities for the betterment of other, doing service at each opportunity. I also give thanks regularly for all that has happened, good and even not-so-good, to have help me to grow. I find it important to show appreciation each and every day.

Affirmation Today I will practice service by helping out when I can, whether or not it is my job. I can take pride in simply doing what needs to be done.

June 25

”There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.” Buddha

There is a lot to be said for the power of attitude. How I react to any given situation varies greatly depending on the state I am in and how I choose to face it. The more positive my own outlook and my approach to dealing with an event, the more likely there will be an outcome that I can accept. Yet if I am in a bad mood and decide to unwilling face what is happening, things are more likely to turn out in a way that I will not be happy about. Discovering that I have the power to choose how I am at any given time has been a huge boon to living a happier life. I don’t simply get this ability once a day, but each moment of the day where I choose how I am going to be. Living and working the program has freed me of much of the burden of my addiction that I now have the energy and enthusiasm to approach life with more optimism. For me today, as it has been for some months, recovery is not simply something I do because I am an addict. My program is becoming my new way of living because I quite enjoy the serenity and awareness that I have gained in my sobriety. Recovery is now my way, and recovery brings happiness.

Affirmation My attitude today will influence the outcome of many situations. I will try to remain positive and this will help me find the best results possible.

June 24

”Confidence on the outside begins by living with integrity on the inside.” Brian Tracy

A fellow member was recently sharing about how they have been discovering their Higher Power while working Steps Two and Three. A phrase that they used really struck me, the fact that this person now felt comfortable to “lean into the struggle.” It was a great visual that made me reflect on my own story and how I used to recoil from confrontation. Complete avoidance or running away used to be the way I would escape, and then I would have bury the shame of feeling less than by acting out. These days, while I do not openly seek out conflict, I have regained confidence in myself to face up to situations that are worthwhile, where my character, values or morals are jeopardized. I am aware that this new strength and courage is a direct result of living a life that has a strong base of integrity and honesty. This change has only been possible because I too have reconnected to my Higher Power and have found the will to surrender. I do not fully comprehend what God’s plans are for me or what path lies before me. But I am learning to trust that his plan is a good one and that He means me no harm. I am open, ready and willing to follow His Good Orderly Direction, to be receptive to His will and not my own.

Affirmation I am grateful for discovering the power of surrendering each day to the God of my understanding. May His will, not mine, be done.

June 23

”Many of our fears are tissue paper thing, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” Brendan Francis

I am often my own worst enemy when it comes to making choices. I can analyze, find excuses, rationalize all the things that could go wrong and simply stall until I end up doing nothing at all. I do this out of fear, anxiety or simply ignorance. Well, at least this is how I used to be most of the time. Since I have begun surrendering to my Higher Power and reflect on the things in my life that I can change, my confidence has indeed been returning. In making choices once again, but from a state of serenity has shown me how often my fears and worries are unjustified and only served to keep me within the clutches of my addiction.  Each decision helps me strengthen my resolve and increases my ability to continue making choices. It diminishes y need to overthink and analyze life to the point of inaction. Today I look at my decisions as much as possible form the point of view of what feels like the will of my Higher Power rather than my own desire. Usually this means doing the opposite of what my initial reaction is in a given situation. This reversal of decision-making has often kept me from heading down paths that would have led me to acting out so I believe there is some truth in continuing to use this tool.

Affirmation I need to be careful in making choices, but not so cautious as to do nothing at all.

June 22

”I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.” Booker T. Washington

I have always considered myself a forgiving person. I rarely take sides or hold something against someone. There have been a few people whom I have had difficulty with for long periods of time, and my only reason to hold onto my anger and frustration was because of a lack of my understanding of what I had done to cause the other person to continually mistreat me. Those are the situations which have been the hardest for me to let go of. I have surprised myself in my recovery, having had some very emotional and trying events to cope with. Infidelity, unwanted pregnancy, my spouse falling in love with someone else, separation…I have face these without hating my partner or the other people involved. I have even been able to forgive and I can do this more readily knowing that I have a better grasp on what forgiveness means. It does not mean that I condone another’s actions, but it allows me to take back my power and keep the past from continually damaging my serenity. I am learning that I do not want to be pulled down to the level of others…loving my enemies through the grace of God makes me stronger and keeps me on the right path.

Affirmation I will find freedom and strength in forgiveness. Taking back my power will help me along my path of recovery.

June 21

”I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” Bill Cosby

I remember the reaction from one counsellor on hearing me divulge that I was a sex addict for the first time. He looked me square in the eyes and said, “So you have boundary issues do you.” In less than 3 seconds he neatly summarized years of behaviour. Of course it took me much longer to apply this against my previous actions. In the end thought, that observation has applied to most of my acting out, and even middle circle behaviours. Many of my downward spirals simply kept pushing my limits, the boundaries of my morals and values. Not only did I breach my own trust, I also brought others along for the ride. I have taken innocent situations and obsessed about them until I was convinced they meant way more than intended. I have taken a harmless glance and turned into an invitation for a one-night stand. My addict has done little to allow me to see clearly, always distorting reality in the attempt to make me fulfill my sexual desires. Some of my motivation was to try and please others, to fit in and be accepted. In recovery today I am establishing healthy boundaries for myself and learning to accept and respect those of others. I know that in my fellowship I am accepted simply as I am, I have no need to pretend to be someone or something else. And that suits me just fine.

Affirmation Today I focus on respecting my boundaries as well as those of others. I need to be clear on where I stand and differentiate my needs from my wants.

June 20

”There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” Beverly Sills

Recovery is hard work. It is not easy to confront myself, to revisit the past, my mistakes, and face my shortcomings. Being open and willing to change takes effort and energy. There are many days I wake and feel the burden of my journey as a cross that I need to carry. But I also have faith that I will perservere through this suffering and come out the other side a better person. I know that my journey is not a solitary one. While I need to make the changes myself, I have discovered a new family in the program that is ready and willing to lend their support and experience to help me along the way. As much as I would love for there to be a quick and easy way, a pill to take, a button to push, I know that change is a process that needs the time it will take. I can see in my experience and that of my fellow members that the road to anywhere worth going is often treacherous. I know too well where the easy road led me and I no longer wish to follow that route and lose myself along the way. The adversity I face will help me to rebuild my character and in the end I will be better for the trip.

Affirmation Today I will pursue the difficult path that will lead me to a better place.

June 19

”Man has never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.” Bernard Williams

It still amazes me how spending a little time in the sunshine on a nice day can make me feel so much better. It is hard to feel down in the dumps with those golden rays beating down, fluffy clouds floating lazily on a bright blue sky. That warmth on my skin seems to have the power to satisfy my basic needs. I am so grateful to be in a state of being where I can rejoice in the simplicities of life. There are so many more places where I find joy, happiness, excitement and fulfillment than in the past from the rather stagnant highs from my acting out. It is a little bit sad looking back and remembering how my addiction seemed to promise so much but always fell short. The simple joys I find each day in nature, in my kids, in living a truer life mean so much more and feel so much better. It does make me wonder how I could have been so blind for so many years. My path of recovery has taken me from the low point where I was totally numb to the world around me to where I am reconnecting to all that surrounds me. My spiritual health meter was running on empty and I had forfeited most of my values and morals. Only a year later, I have regained my spirit and have a healthier outlook and approach to life. God can indeed work miracles.

Affirmation I can appreciate the small wonders. The program promises life will give us back a fulfilling life if we can follow the steps and endure the process.

June 18

”Through perseverance many people win success out of what seemed destined to be certain failure.” Benjamin Disraeli

I have a new sense of determination since finding the program. I am less apt to take no for an answer. I seem to have a new confidence that I can find solutions for situations that before seemed impossible. I give full credit to my Higher Power working in me and through me for this new ambition that I find is positive and healthy. Success has taken on a new meaning as my priorities shift to those things that are truly important in my life. I am less concerned with material acquisition; my focus is on the people and relationships that matter in my life. My goals relate more to making a real impact in the world than in trying to see how many possessions I can accumulate. I want the legacy that I leave behind to be evident in the lives of the people I have touched. That makes my family and my children my primary focus. I want to ensure I raise my kids the right way and it is my responsibility to give them the knowledge and tools to live lives based on sound principles. I want them to follow a good path in their own lives and to be a positive force in the world. I hope that my own wisdom can help them to avoid some of the pitfalls and trials I have faced. Ultimately I hope that parts of me will live on through them and continue to make the world a better place to live.

Affirmation My recovery is important to get me on the right track. It will also help me leave a legacy that I can be proud of.

June 17

”A bird does not sing because he has an answer – he sings because he has a song.” Barbara Johnson

Spring is one of my favourite times of the year. It is a time of rebirth and renewal, and it is a funny coincidence that it was that time of the year when I first realized the extent of my problems and began to seek help. I remember feeling trepidatious and scared about walking into my first meeting. I was not entirely sure what to expect, how comfortable I would feel...it was certainly a step into the unknown. There was a small comfort in the fact that I had found my first group through a phone line and that a member was to be there to meet me. It was reassuring indeed when he was there and greeted me. It did not take long for me to feel at ease in the group. I even shared a little at that first meeting. Since then, I have been a regular attendee. I joined a second group a couple months later, and then helped to start a step study group shortly after that. I share at every meeting, not because I have answers to making the program work, but because sharing my experience helps ground me in my recovery and maybe something I say will help another member. I learn as much if not more from everyone else who shares as I do from my own participation. I am thankful for the open and honest exchange at each meeting.

Affirmation It is important for me to share my story with others; fellow members can learn from me as well as I can learn from them.

June 16

”He who has health has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.” Arabian proverb

My new found hope may come from within, but it is strengthened and maintained through faith in my Higher Power. I am learning in my humility that I will only achieve truly great and profound things through the love, faith and patience that the God of my understanding can provide. Turning over my life and my will, surrendering myself to this unseen force is the only way for me to live the life I was meant to have. By God’s grace I am on this planet and I believe there is a specific purpose for my life even if I have not yet recognized it. But I have confidence that through His wisdom I can achieve all that serves His purpose. I am working through the steps of the program to remove the obstacles to my connection with my Higher Power. In doing so I am transforming myself to be able to better serve Him. I am open in my prayer and meditation to the instruction of where to put forth my energies. I am being reborn into the person I was meant to be as I gradually give away my defects of character.

Affirmation I can feel the change from within. I am open to the guidance of my Higher Power and the true path I am meant to follow.

June 15

”Failure is the path of least persistence.” Anonymous

My recovery is not going to come for free. As much effort as I put into my addiction will be required to correct my behaviour and work my program. The 12 Steps are teaching me a new set of principles so that I will live my life in a more balanced fashion. The road forward will not be easy, has not been so far, but persistence and progress will get me there. The other thing I am accepting is that having used my addiction to cope with life was not entirely a failure. It was the best mechanism I knew at the time to get by. It does not excuse the way I treated others, or myself, but my addiction did serve a purpose in getting me to today. Now that I am more aware of better ways to cope though, I am accountable to myself and my Higher Power to live a different life. Living One Day at a Time in recovery has given me the freedom to leave yesterday behind me and allows me not to worry about what tomorrow will bring. Focusing on the here and now helps make it easier to have the strength, courage and patience to go through each 24-hour period. I know I can lean on the support of the God of my understanding as well as my fellow members.

Affirmation I will remain focused on today and what I need to do to face the hours before me while staying in recovery.

June 14

”Don’t save anything for a special occasion, being alive is the special occasion.” Anonymous

I believe in waking up with a smile on my face, and in facing each day with the enthusiasm of the opportunities that lay before me. My life in recovery has been something that I more often look forward to.  The tools and skills that I continue to gain as I work the Twelve Steps give me the confidence that I can face the challenges of each day. I am learning to be more spontaneous and to procrastinate less. I take the time needed as things occur to me to do them and act rather than trying to wait for the perfect moment. This holds for telling someone I love them to even more basic things like a chore or a to-do that I keep putting off. There’s less of a need to wait until tomorrow, making the time now to get things done makes me feel better and leaves less for me to worry about. Life’s little moments are what keep us going. It’s not that special occasions are not important; birthdays, anniversaries and holidays all have their place. But if we are not making all the little efforts to do the important tasks and spend time with the people who matter to us, celebrating only on special occasions won’t cut it.

Affirmation Today I will look for the little ways to keep life special and to let those who are important in my life know how I feel.

June 13

”Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Anonymous

I am learning how to be more rigorously honest, about myself and with others. Lying and keeping secrets are traits from my past that I don’t want to be part of the recovering me. It takes energy and effort to speak what is true and to express how I feel. But at the end of the day I can feel good about having lived my day with integrity and authenticity. I rarely feel like I live a double life. I see my life more like the yin-yang symbol. There is hope in my darkness that is increasing yet there still exists some darkness in all that is good. To be balanced and whole I need to recognize and accept all that the aspects of who I am. Just because the potential for me to do wrong exists within me, I can choose not to give in to those temptations and desires. When I turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power I find the strength to focus on using my outer circle behaviours, my positive traits and character assets and I live a fuller, saner and better life. At the end of the day I am accountable only to myself and my Higher Power. If I can reflect on my daily activities, rejoice in the good and learn from the bad that I have lived to the best of my ability. Progress in a positive direction is my aim.

Affirmation Living with integrity is my goal for today; I no longer care to live as a hypocrite.

June 12

”How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment to improve the world.” Anne Frank

The quote above reminds me of another which I really appreciate “Each moment is a gift, that is why it’s called the present” I believe that we truly do have the power to make the world a better place, right here, right this instant. No matter how big or small the impact, I can improve my surroundings. It starts simply with me making changes to be a better person and live a better life. I still struggle in surrendering those things that are not within my power to control. Most days it is easier to let go of things from the distant past than those that have happened to me recently. I guess that is probably normal; recent events are more powerful and do need some time to be processed and to feel their full effect. My primary focus in recovery is always to work on myself. The best place for me to effect change is in my behaviours, attitudes and outlook. As I let go of my defects of character, I become a more useful person to my family, to my workplace, and to my community at large. The power for me to start down that new path exists within me and I can choose to begin right now.

Affirmation Today I will look at the changes I can make to start making a difference in the world.

June 11

”Man cannot remake himself without suffering.” Alexis Carrel

I believe nothing is free in this life and those things that we have to suffer for the most are usually those that we most appreciate. Things that come easy are too simply forgotten or taken for granted. I look back on my life and choices, and I can see that those times where I had to make the hard decisions, to face my responsibility and to confront situations rather than turning away are the times that have meant the most to me in the long term. It’s never fun to have to fumble through life, but I think life is meant to be a struggle. I don’t think we are here to enjoy it as much as to learn. We seem to learn best in adversity. This train of thought reminds me of the movie The Matrix, where one of the computer avatars is explaining that the first version of the matrix was utopian, but it did not sufficiently stimulate the humans, which is why the second version was filled with pain, strife, struggle and the pursuit of happiness. We need to suffer before we can grow.

Affirmation I may not relish the strife in my life today, but there is a positive aspect in that it is an opportunity for growth.

June 10

”Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” Albert Einstein

Some say you should count your blessings. For myself, I think recognizing them and giving thanks is terrific, but I don’t feel the need to count them. The same holds true to a degree for my progress in recovery. I am not obsessed with keeping track of how many days of sobriety I have accumulated, what milestones I have reached, or on the other side, how many times I have slipped. What is most important is for me to be in recovery today. That is all that is within my power and it is certainly enough for me to focus on. Life in recovery has been about rediscovering all the small things that I have neglected in my periods of acting out. Being present to hear how someone’s day went, to lend a helping hand around the house, to spend time with a friend are good things that occupy my time. It is the multitude of outer circle behaviours that I need to use to start filling the hole left by my addiction. Still, my biggest aid is my returning spiritual belief in my Higher Power. My restored faith helps to deal with the void I have experienced and I believe it is the only power with the ability to restore my sanity.

Affirmation I will practice my outer circle behaviours today and be grateful for all the small wonders and kindnesses I experience.

June 9

”The man who follows the crowd usually gets no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.” Alan Ashley-Pitt

It’s not easy to follow the path less travelled by…many people ask me why I am going the way I am, or simply don’t understand. It’s hard not to question why I am following the path that feels right by my own morals and values and by my Higher Power when so many people disagree. Yet I know deep down that I still believe in marriage after all the lies, hurt, infidelity and deceit. I have not lost hope; I still have the desire and the will to work to make it better. My life has changed and me along with it since I discovered the program. I am becoming a better person, better parent, and hope for the chance to show I am a better spouse. The person I was in the past is but a memory and I like the new me that greets me in the mirror each morning. The path I walk today is my own and has the goal of my living as my Higher Power intended. It is not about me doing whatever everyone else expects or can deal with. I have no regrets for the decisions I am taking because I truly feel that I am once again walking beside the God of my understanding rather than being carried.

Affirmation I will walk my own path today even if those around me are not in agreement. If it is the will of my Higher Power it will be alright.

June 8

”Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Abraham Lincoln

I don’t know that I am always tactful in dealing with others, especially those close to me. I don’t think I can express my feelings in such a way as to show others how they see themselves. But then again how I express my feelings is not about others but about how I am doing. I have every right to let someone know how their words and actions affect me, but there are ways to do it which are better than others. My preferred method, even though it still feels strange, follows a simply format. It starts by specifically naming the action or incident that affected me, followed by my emotions in reactions, and concludes with what I need as a result. Many times what I need is simply to let the other person know how I am feeling. Sometimes what they are doing bothers me and I need the action or the way they are speaking to simply stop. This technique, though it focuses on me, is meant to be a gift of awareness to the other person. Whether or not they choose to accept it, open it and do something with it is another matter. I keep my feelings to myself less and less often. I rarely find myself burying them in the holes of the place where they can fester and grow. I am maturing emotionally and trying to deal with life’s situations as they happen

Affirmation Today I will be conscious of how I express myself and work at keep the focus on how I feel and what I need to be safe.

June 7

”Self-respect is the root of discipline: the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.” Abraham Joshua Heschel

I remember when I reached a point in my recovery where part of me wanted to act out, but after a few short seconds I had the sensation that it was too much work, would require too much energy, and I simply stopped. It was totally bizarre, being in a place where my normal inner circle behaviour felt forced and foreign to me. I felt it was a great step forward but never thought that such a moment would have been possible in my life. My ability to say to no to my addict, to send that persona back into the attic in the house in my mind and to “change the channel” when my thoughts fall onto the fantasy station increases as I progress in my recovery. Practicing say “no” is like exercising and I can feel it getting easier the more often I do it. It’s true that I feel a greater sense of self-respect and integrity in maintaining the discipline to deny those urges of my addiction. Recognizing in advance the empty promises and temporary highs to escape the moment is a big step forward. Now that I take this further and choose to do something else that supports my recovery instead is an even bigger step. Picking up my tools is becoming a more natural response in dealing with daily life.

Affirmation I can and will regain the ability to say “no.” In recognizing my triggers today I will seek the strength to choose a healthier path.