A New Beginning

As my postings for yesterday and today attest, somethings must eventually come to an end. Today's meditation closes out a complete year's worth of daily thoughts. Through my experience of writing these 366 entries, I have grown in my program, and hope that my humble words have helped others along the way as much as they have helped me to get to know myself better.

I am now transitioning into a new phase of my recovery. I am looking forward to spending the next year as a reader of my own words, to reflect on just how far along my path I have come since putting pen to paper. It will be an interesting twist to see how much of my own story will relate to the days ahead.

I still intend to keep writing meditations, but not necessarily with the same vigour as I have over the past year and half. Journalling has become an important tool to help me reflect and deal with the challenges I face as I stumble down my path of recovery, so I know better than to ignore something that is of use to my own growth.

I hope that if you have become a regular follower that you continue to check for new material, or refer to the older posts. Wherever you are in your own journey, I pray that you continue to make that all-important choice each day, and choose to be in recovery.

God Bless and may you spend this day in Serenity.

January 31

”A hard beginning makes a good ending.” John Heyward

My journey of recovery began in a dark, lonely, miserable place. I was crushed under the burden of the secrets I carried, completely disconnected to any sense of a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity, and utterly numb to my emotions. That was me then, at the end of my rope, with no hope for a brighter future. Somewhere in all that darkness a small spark of light managed to catch my eye. Looking back it took only a short time for that light to grow into a flame that now fuels the fire of my recovery. What a huge relief it was to discover my fellowship, a new home, a place where I belonged. How wonderful it felt to no longer feel like I was a freak, that I was a monster, or that I was alone. Even with the terrible past I carried, I quickly discovered there was hope for a new and better life. I am still not recovered today, but I can proudly declare that I am a grateful recovering sex addict. It no longer defines who I am but is a mark of my commitment to working my program and following the 12-Steps. I am living for today, and each day is a new beginning full of possibility, discovery and wonder. The world is now a bright, glorious place and I have found my place within it.

Affirmation My spirit can be battered and bruised, but given proper care it will return to its former glory and I will be a better person. Life is an adventure that is always worth living.

January 30

”Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.” Lazarus Long

It took me over two decades to realize that I had a problem with compulsive sexual behaviour. Yet once I recognised the true nature of my illness, it took me much less time to draw the conclusion that I would need to let go of it. In fact, letting go has been ongoing process practically since the first time I walked into a 12-Step meeting. My growing awareness has taken away the brunt of the power and control that my addiction used to hold over my life. I did reach a point in my recovery where I wanted to formally mark a new beginning. For some time I had been imagining my addict as a resident in the house in my head, where it had been confined to the addict. When I was at this turning point, I wrote an eviction notice, thanking my addiction for helping me cope and survive to that point in time, but that it was no longer needed as I had learned new ways to cope. Endings were always a struggle in my life, and still are to some degree. However, I am able now to see an end as more than just a loss, but also as a new beginning. Having a more holistic view of the circle of life gives me strength and allows me to handle change in better ways.

Affirmation I need not fret or be afraid of endings. There is a natural order to life that things begin, endure, and then come to a close. Acceptance is the key to living through these transitions.

January 29

”If you are not getting as much from life as you want to, then examine the state of your enthusiasm.” Norman Vincent Peale

Just as I have the choice each day to choose to be in recovery, I can also decide, or not, to be content with my life as it is presently. Realistically I have little control over where I am today. I cannot change the past that brought me to this morning, nor am I able to forgo the day and fast-forward into tomorrow. That leaves me the choice to accept my reality as it is, or avoid the truth and only see what I wish to see. My attitude is the determining factor as to whether I can be enthusiastic about the current state of my life, or if I will be miserable and discontent. Choosing the level of enthusiasm will not change where I am, my job, my friends, my finances, where I live – none of these will be different if I decide to be ecstatic about what has been provided for me. What will change is how I feel about myself, how I approach situations and certainly the day's challenges. Life happens, and will continue on whether I am happy, upset, frustrated, joyful or ignorant of what is taking place. Given this, isn’t in my best interest to be excited to be alive, to relish each and every breath, and to be thankful for all the wonders I am given the privilege of experiencing each day?

Affirmation Life is how you take it, which in turn will influence how I face it. Let me put a smile on my face and some spring in my step and fill my heart with gladness.

January 28

”Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs.” William Howard Stern

Too many times in my life I feel disappointed, like I have been robbed of something I deserved or that life is just out to get me. This is usually a sign that my expectations of the world are too high, that I am seeking something that is beyond what I should want, and certainly that I am aspiring for things that surpass my needs. As I grow spiritually, I am learning that my true needs are few, and that if I content myself with them, they are easily achievable and something that my Higher Power will never leave me without. My expectations are most easily satisfied if I seek to satisfy the will of the power greater than me that will restore me to sanity. Life is more fulfilling when I focus on how I can be of service to others rather than being obsessed with my own need for wealth and gain. When my perspective changes from what I think the world owes me to one of trying to find how much more I can share, then happiness awaits me at every turn. Where I can put my strength without fear of giving too much is in hope, in hoping for unconditional love, peace, and serenity. My trust in God comes with the belief that with Him anything is possible. I need to remain open and willing to listen to His Good Orderly Direction.

Affirmation Perspective is key to seeking balance in my life and giving things their proper priority. Putting First Things First will allow me to find contentment with all that I already have.

January 27

”Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you.” Aldous Huxley

I have come to realize that my life in addiction was not about experience, not about excitement, not even about living. My compulsive sexual behaviours for the most part are boring, monotonous, and only led to the routine and stagnation. When my life revolved around sex there was little else, no variety, no true appreciation for the natural wonder and beauty of the world, no connection with the people and places I encountered. Life is recovery is completely the opposite. Because I no longer crush, hide, or avoid my emotions, living today has depth. Because I once again believe in a power greater than myself that is good, that promotes life, everything I see, hear, touch, say and do has greater meaning and purpose. No longer do I live to satisfy only my own needs and desires but instead I strive to be of service to those around me and to share my God-given talents. Life now happens with me as an active participant rather than someone out-of-focus on the sidelines. I am accepting those things outside my control and taking the reins where I can make a difference. I am working to make the best of what is thrown my way, trusting that my Higher Power is there to lead me forward.

Affirmation Good or bad, come what may, let my Higher Power guide me today. If I stand or if I fall, let His strength carry me through it all.

January 26

”Look far, and see the end from the beginning.” Chinese Proverb

Recovery has taught me the value of living in the present, of letting go of the past that I can no longer change or influence and shopping all my worrying about the future. What matters is where I am right here, right now and how I choose to live and be in this very moment. Another aspect of time and looking ahead certainly comes from those moments when I am triggered. Learning how to “play the tape to the end”, to realize where my initial thoughts and actions are destined to lead me, what the ultimate action and behaviours will be, who I will hurt in the process and how I will feel about the outcome and myself afterwards as I try to escape or avoid whatever problem I am facing has greatly helped reduce my desire to act out or feed my addiction in any way. Seeing the end when I have only let that first droplet fall into the pond provides me with insight to see the ripple effect and how it is likely to damage my serenity and produce other negative effects. Early prevention and intervention saves me for a lot of headaches further down the line if I continue along with my addictive patterns.

Affirmation I am grateful for my increased awareness that can help me to take a different direction earlier and earlier in those times when I find myself triggered.

January 25

”Education is a matter of building bridges.” Anonymous

I have learned and continue to learn a great deal in recovery. The subject that I have learned the most about is probably me. In working my program, I have had to get know myself all over again. This is part of what I need to do to learn to be comfortable in my own skin again and to be able to trust and have faith in my abilities. The most crucial bridges I have been rebuilding are the one that connects my head to my heart, and the other that connects me to my Higher Power. Both of these were severely damaged by my addiction, less by direct attack than by simple neglect and lack of maintenance. My teachers have been my peers in the program, family, friends, and counsellors – in short, anyone I have been willing to listen to. There are certainly many other things I have had to learn as I deal with the consequences of my behaviour and the effects that it has had on all those connected to my life. Some of these have been more pleasant than others.  Dealing with loss, grief, and divorce are not places I really wanted to learn, but are things I have had to face. Dealing with my feelings, my ager, rejection, loneliness are also draining and unpleasant, but required in order to help me regain a sense of emotional balance.

Affirmation If I remain open and teachable, I know the lessons I learn, even though they may not be enjoyable, will help me to continue making progress in my journey of recovery.

January 24

”They do not love who do not show their love.” William Shakespeare

It has been a hard transition falling out of love with my former spouse, and even more difficult in trying to deal with the fact that I am no longer loved by them but even worse not even respected. This has made it difficult to face the prospect and procedure of divorce, to act jointly as parents, and a number of other things. I need to seek information from third parties as I cannot get it directly from the other parent who has a responsibility to keep me informed. Yet through all this I have faced up to the struggles and continue to let go of what is not mine. I still act out of respect, still keep my former mate informed of the things they should know, and still continue to act as I want to be treated. For all those things that I want to say because I feel hurt, disrespected, angry or rejected, well those I share with fellow members or put in a special journal to my ex that if spoken I know would simple fall on deaf ears. I still have love to share so I focus on giving it to those more willing and receptive to it. Perhaps in time things will improve, but for now this is how things are and I accept the reality of my situation.

Affirmation I accept that my recovery only promises to restore me to sanity, and not those around me. I will continue to surrender what I cannot control to God.

January 23

”The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly.” Corra Harris

God grant me...the courage to change the things I can. I continue to be amazed by the power and wisdom in that simple phrase. Somebody somewhere had a lot of insight to distil all the meaning that those few words imply. As I move through my journey of recovery and face change on a daily basis I am constantly reminded of how challenging it can be to do things differently. I know for a fact that I cannot do this on my own and that it is only by God’s grace, by His gift of courage that I can find sufficient bravery to step into the unknown time and time again. This is one of my biggest hurdles in my program, forcing myself a most every opportunity to stop doing what is comfortable, what I have grown accustomed to, and to try something completely different. I have more than enough experience and proof that my old ways, while they sufficed to some degree, have a list of side-effects that are way more detrimental than I can afford. My Higher Power is my new medicine and promises to restore me to sanity if I but surrender and trust in the process of the 12 Steps.

Affirmation Let me pray for courage, strength, love and patience today in case my own reserves are not enough. With my Higher Power’s help I can overcome any obstacles in my way.

January 22

“Don’t waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of good.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Even in my recovery I can spend too much time in my negativity. Not only for what I have done or what I am not doing, but also just for always seeing the bad side of life’s events. I am coming to realize that focusing on the negative aspects and brooding over the problem does little to make me feel better or move me towards a solution. It is some mental reprogramming that I need to put in place to erase all the pessimism that ruled my former thinking. The tool of affirmations is helping me to move in a better direction and to see things in a more positive light. It is a learning process that does not come naturally for me. It takes a conscious effort to build this into my program of recovery, including reciting them in front of the mirror. It is a recurring theme in my step work as well. The flip side of all that negativity is gratitude. This is another place I need to work at and find and count my blessings. In my daily prayer I make an effort to list 3-5 things that I am thankful for, no matter how big or small. It is all part of improving my attitude and outlook on life.

Affirmation I can learn to look on the bright side of life and let go of darkness that used to predominate. There is a gift to be found in every situation.

January 21

“Reality is only an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Albert Einstein

I still have moments where my instinct is to want to escape from the present moment. To avoid my feelings and my discomfort I can still find a multitude of ways to get away through television, video games, movies or other distractions. These are not really much better for me than my addictive behaviours, middle or inner circle. The problems and feelings still need to be dealt with and running away only delays the inevitable. I do wish that saying the Serenity Prayer one, five, or even ten times would be sufficient to let things go and turn them over to my Higher Power or grant me the courage and inspiration to deal with my part of it. Reality isn’t usually that simple and straightforward. Remaining in the now is hard work. Like most things I have had to learn in my life, it takes practice to get better at it, but with time and perseverance it does get easier. The reward of dealing with life as it happens and not delaying situations by escaping from them is that I am more aware of all that happens in my life. I also waste much less time, which in turn is a gift considering how much of my past I lost in my addiction.

Affirmation Staying focused on the here and now and being aware of my temptation to escape are healthy recognitions of where I am.

January 20

”A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn’t feel like it.” Alistair Cooke

I am trying to maintain this professional attitude in terms of my recovery. There are days when I just don’t feel like doing the work for my program, to pick up and read my daily meditation, to reach out to my sponsor, to go to a meeting, to journal, pray or meditate. I need to force myself to get into my routine, and usually the pressure of the simple fact that going back to me addictive patterns is no longer an option. The cost is not worth it, I have too much to lose now. Being in recovery is like having another job. I need to be responsible and do those things that would make me a good employee. And, realistically, the amount of time and effort that I need to expend is a whole lot less than I used to work in my addiction in planning, scheming, in front of my computer, or whatever. Maybe not as pleasurable but certainly more healthy. And I can always change my attitude about what is pleasurable so that my recovery becomes something to enjoy rather than something to dread. It is my new way of life.

Affirmation My recovery will have a bigger reward dependant on the amount of effort and how seriously I work at it.

January 19

”The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist.” J. Harold Wilkins

Accepting rewards or recognition has been a challenge as I recovery from my addiction. Through all those years of living a double-life, I rarely felt like I deserved to be honoured in any way, always having the thought of “if only you knew who I really was” running through the back of my head, crushing any inkling of self-worth I might have. I was certainly great at beating myself up and finding reasons why I shouldn’t have a better life, job, or whatever other kinds of successes that might have been part of my life. I am thankful that my views are changing as I continue to grow in my self-acceptance. As I become comfortable with who I am, as I am, my self-esteem cannot help but improve. Yet even still, accomplishments can be a challenging area. Even simple things like accepting recognition for the progress of my recovery can disrupt my serenity. I am learning, however slowly, to accept that I am worthy of praise from time to time. Achievement is recognition of my effort, and now that I am making a more honest attempt to life a good life, I can accept the acclamation of my success. I can celebrate my progress in healthy ways that promote my recovery, and give thanks to my Higher Power and all those who supported me in reaching my goal.

Affirmation I am worthy of recognition, I do things worthy of praise, and I am a good person.

January 18

”The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.” Stephen King

I am so glad that I believe that my Higher Power is omniscient. Even though I think that prayer is an important part of my spiritual activities, I know my words and thoughts don’t always come out straight. I have faith that He hears my intentions correctly even when I don’t communicate them clearly. Love is another place where words just never seem to do justice. Even though I am a romantic, being inclined to write poetry or to share a special song that conveys my feelings for someone; these methods still do not always portray what I want to share. I am learning, however, that my deeds go a long way in furthering the message that I am trying to send. While it may be true that sometimes words are not enough, I have discovered that some very simple phrases at the right moments can speak volumes. “I love you.” “Please forgive me.” “I was wrong.” “I am sorry.” “God, please help me.” “God bless him/her.” When my thoughts, words, and actions are in harmony, they are more than enough.

Affirmation When I am in harmony with myself, it is easier for me to clearly express myself, openly and honestly, with those around me.

January 17

”Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress.” Alfred A. Montapert

There are times when I have tried turning a problem over to my Higher Power and have waited patiently for Him to take care of things. And waited. And waited some more. And then come to the conclusion that perhaps it was something that I could change after all. So instead of asking for it to be taken from me, I prayed for the courage to take action and move forward. This is the way things are supposed to happen sometimes. Some of the main advantages of these delayed actions are that I have ample time to let my emotions cool, time to think of possible solutions and to have an opportunity to discuss the situation with others. If and when I finally do act it is from a more rational and calm place. I am grateful for that time to reflect because it helps me from reacting in the heat of the moment and escalating a given situation. Surrender is becoming more and more natural, but even this I can rely on too often. God’s will might be what I am striving to carry out, but it’s not going to happen of its own accord. I need to do the work to move in the right direction. Otherwise I will just sit on that rocking horse until it can no longer support me.

Affirmation Delaying my actions in emotional situations is often beneficial.  And it is okay if sometimes I need to pray for the courage to do what needs to be done.

January 16

”A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.” Charles Gordy

There are moments where I have to simply stop and smile at the craziness I find myself in. It is actually a relief to recognize when I am overwhelmed as it is a reminder that I am not simply ignoring what is happening around me, but that I am present and ready to face the challenge. It is wonderful to no longer be running on auto-pilot as I did in the past, but to be actively participating in the world around me. Taking those moments to pause when I feel like my head is under water are important to ground myself, mentally recite a Serenity Prayer or two, and start to focus on what parts of the situation I can control. Letting go of taking responsibilities for the actions and feelings of others allows me to concentrate better on my own. I am getting better at finding the positive in my adversities, even if it is only the fact that I am aware of how I am feeling, or recognizing that I am acting in a way contrary to my former behaviours. That in of itself is a reason to grin ear-to-ear.

Affirmation I will find good in situations that may at first appear only bad, as I learn to let go and work on those things that I am capable of changing.

January 15

”I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.” Jonathon Swift

Guilt and shame, and even to some degree remorse, were slow to present themselves as I moved into recovery. I had spent years of living with the sense of entitlement that I could do what I wanted when I wanted as long as it only affected me. Of course I had been completely blind to all the collateral damage my addiction had inflicted on those around me. The best explanation I have for having been able to live and function that way for so many years was that the cost of my addiction was my spirit. There is no way I could live in that fashion and still maintain any real connection to my Higher Power, God, or something greater than myself that was true and pure. My addiction had to squash that and replace it, becoming the false idol that I bowed to every minute of every day. Shame and guilt for my addiction were its sustenance, what kept it alive, well and hungry for more. It has been a challenge to wean my addict off those things, but as I come to accept myself, as my Higher Power accepts me, I stop feeding the destructive force within me. In doing so, I become painfully away of just how much damage I have caused, unknowingly. Thankfully, it is never too late to begin to heal the hurt, starting with how poorly I have treated myself.

Affirmation Shame and regret can be signs I am healing and recognizing my addiction for what it truly is.

January 14

”Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.” Erica Jong

I think we all have moments like this, where we know what it is we are supposed to do, but because it is a hard decision and it makes us uncomfortable, we ask someone else’s opinion, hoping for an easier way out. I find myself in spots like this all the time, certainly in trying to deal with the repercussions of my acting out behaviour. Repairing bridges and broken relationships is hard, unpleasant work most of the time. It is not easy accepting my part in what went wrong, even if I wasn’t really myself at the time. But part of the healing process requires that I accept the consequences of my behaviours, that I start becoming a living amends for the way things used to be and accept the responsibilities that are part of the life I lead right now. Taking the easy road might work, in the short term, but I have usually found that it just delays me until I come back to the same tough choice. Eventually, if I really want to make things different and move in a new direction, I have to find the courage to jump through the burning hoop of fire, and pray that I don’t get burned too badly. While it is a good idea to double-check my decisions with someone else, hoping for the easy way out is not something that usually is in my best interest. The goal is most often worth the struggle and effort that I need to exert to attain it.

Affirmation I am learning to accept the hard choices which are the right ones and to not to shy away because they require work. My Higher Power is always there to support me.

January 13

”An infectious smile spreads good will.” Anonymous

This quote seems more appropriate after having just watched the movie Patch Adams. Seeing how this medical student chose to see patients as people first and their condition second gives me hope that others well be able to see addicts in a similar light. I do believe that this is a disease and that I deserve to be treated as a person, with compassion, understanding and respect, if I am to succeed at overcoming the worst of my illness. The quote also reminds me that my road to recovery started with small acts of kindness. A warm reception on a phone line, a kind greeting at my first meeting, the welcome to a group of peers and encouragement to keep coming back. In my recovery today I have those same gifts I can offer back to those who are only beginning their own journey of healing. If I am willing and open, recovery becomes contagious. While I still need to lean on others for support, it happens frequently that others turn to me in times of need. It is a good feeling to know that I can be a pillar for someone else, a beacon of light in their dark and stormy moments. Together, through the steps, recovery is possible.

Affirmation I gain hope that my addiction will be accepted as I have been welcomed into my fellowship. I have a renewed faith in the compassion and love that lives within humankind.

January 12

”When you take a risk and step out of the norm, you run the risk and sometimes you fail. But you only fail if you give up.” J. Peterman

I sometimes expect that life should be perfect now that I am in recovery, or at least that I should no longer make mistakes. This is rather ridiculous as a concept considering I don’t expect “normal” people who aren’t in a program like this to live up to that standard so why should I subject myself to it? I suppose I feel extra accountable as I should know better. Still I am only human and as such I am flawed. Changing my ways, which is a significant undertaking, means I am certain to make mistakes, to need time and help to get things right, to have make a few attempts and to persevere. Failure would be to give up and let my addict reign once more, but that is a path that only leads to certain self-destruction. It is hard learning to be gentle with myself and to always fully accept myself as I am, flaws and all. The important thing is to keep trying, learn from my mistakes and not repeat them, and to continue pushing forward. Progress and not perfection is always the aim to keep in my sights. By the grace of my Higher Power I have this opportunity to try again.

Affirmation God grant me the humility to acknowledge and accept my mistakes as I move forward on this new path of recovery.

January 11

”Real travel is not geographical. It is dimensional.” Alan Cohen

The longest journey I will ever embark upon is simply that of my life. It is destined to take me to numerous places, through tragedies and wonders, and to put me in touch with a multitude of people. Yet even still, at the heart of that journey, the crucial aspect is internal to myself. My voyage is in learning who I am, discovering my purpose, and finding my place in the world. This part holds true no matter where in the world I go or whatever stage of my life I find myself at. And when I think I have reached the point where I truly understand myself, I only need to dig a little deeper, peel away another layer of the onion, to find there is still more to my being. At the core of all this is my spiritual centre. If I am lucky, I will reach the point where I have fully accepted my physical body, aligned with my emotional self and fully surrendered to the spiritual being within. Then, and only then, will I have fully embraced the whole of nature that surrounds me.

Affirmation My true destination in life is to find harmony within myself, no matter where in the world I go or the experiences I encounter.