December 31

”In the middle of a difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein

As another year draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on all that has happened. It has been a year of turmoil, challenge and adversity. But in the midst of all that, I have learned an enormous amount about myself. I have reconnected to my spiritual centre and I have changed and grown. As another member recently shared, it is through all those difficulties that my life has improved and so in truth I am grateful, although most of those times were not pleasant while I was right in the middle of them. The dawning of a new year holds 365 days of promise and hope for my life to continue in its current and better direction of recovery. I don’t know all that awaits me this year, but having survived the challenges of the present year with the aide of the tools of my recovery that I have learned, I know I am much better prepared to step into the coming year. I am learning to seek the opportunity in the challenges that life presents me. Rather than cowering and hiding from difficulties, I am opening myself to embrace them and to see the potential for growth and change. Look out world, here I come!

Affirmation I am learning to live and cope with life on life’s terms. The program is teaching me how to deal better with all life’s challenges.

December 30

”The hills are full of marble before the world blooms with statues.” Phillips Brooks

I am coming to realize in my recovery that my Higher Power gave me all the tools I needed to succeed in this life at birth. I came with all the essential parts; it is just that I forget where to look for the instruction on how to use it well. Regaining my spiritual connection through working my program, going to church and reading the Bible are all pieces for me that are refreshing the guiding principles of how I am supposed to live my life. In particular the 12 Steps have been the path back to the God of my understanding and the gradual acceptance of His will over mine. Living by surrendering and by giving service are two of the major changes I am work through in my recovery at present, and they also have equally great rewards. I am at the same time being selfish in my recovery but selfless in society as I am share what I have for others – my time, energy and talents. In the end, I am allowing my Higher Power to chip away at all the bits of marble that are not in His image of me. By seeking to give up my character defects, opening myself humbly in making amends, and serving others I am being shaped in to the person I was meant to be.

Affirmation Today, help me be a vessel of your peace. Let my words, thoughts and deeds reflect your wisdom and grace.

December 29

”In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.” Thomas Jefferson

Working through separation and divorce has been a challenge against my principles, values and morals. It has been a constant conflict of defending what I believe is right and just as my former spouse has attacked me as a person and as a parent. I have also been treated with a distinct lack of respect in both roles. This has shaken me to the core at times, and made me more than once question whether or not I was doing the right thing or if indeed I knew who I was or what I really stood for. I have and continue to survive mostly through prayer and faith in my Higher Power. The hardest thing I continue to do is to pray for this person who used to hold such a special place in my life that now seems determined to punish me for all that has happened. I now feel like I am asking God on a regular basis to help this person find the help they need and to find their way back into His arms. I am grateful that I am aware of how little I can control about other people. I am thankful that I can turn situations like this over to the care of the God of my understanding. I give thanks for the ability to pray and let go, while continuing to fight for what I believe in and for what I feel is best for my children. I praise my power greater than me for the capacity to stand like a rock.

Affirmation With faith in my Higher Power, I can weather the roughest storm, brave the highest seas and rise to soar amongst the stars.

December 28

”Only those who do nothing make no mistakes.” Anonymous

Putting my heart out there in a new relationship has not been an easy task. Coming out of a marriage that was broken, into a single life later in my life was daunting to say the least. Having started to date and having found a steady partner has led to its own set of challenges. One thing I know that was important for me, right from the start, was to be fully open and honest. So my disclosure on the first encounter was a testament to my acceptance of my addiction and my willingness to be different in any new relationships. Moving on in a romantic setting has taken a willingness to make mistakes, and more importantly to put myself in a position of being vulnerable. Exposing my past, openly expressing my thoughts and emotions, and letting another person get close to me means taking the risk that I might get hurt. Yet for the first time in my life I feel I am starting off from a healthy place, where I know who I am, that I am whole in mind, body, and spirit. Through all this, my main priority is still to remain committed to my recovery. I know that I need to take care of me first, to make sure my program takes precedence if I am to be available to participate fully in anyone else’s life. Therefore my routine needs to continue, I have to keep going to meetings, reaching out and practice my prayer and meditation. All this will help keep me focused and minimize mistakes I will make by not living in the moment.

Affirmation Today and for always my recovery must come first if I truly want to be there for others and be of service.

December 27

”You cannot hold back a good laugh any more than you can the tide. Both are forces of nature.” William Rotsler

When life has me down and I need to find a way out of my depressed state, I usually have to go no further than looking at the children in my life, my own or those of friends. To see their free spirits, their ability to just have fun, lightens my heart and gives me reason to want to be a part of life rather than staying alone with the thoughts in my head. It also does me good to look at myself and recall those moments when I have done some humorous things. It’s healthy for me to be able to poke fun at myself, to be humble enough to admit I have made some mistakes or taken decisions that were mildly to downright hilarious. Laughter is indeed good medicine. The more I am able to laugh, joke, or cajole with others about my addiction, the less power those experiences hold over me. In viewing my past with irony and even some ridicule, I can distance myself from the all-consuming nature of my inner demons. Knowing that I can make light of former behaviours does not excuse what I have done, but it is a sign of being in recovery and moving forward.

Affirmation Laugh and let go of the hurt and shame of the past. I am human and my mistakes can transform into humour as I move on in a better direction today.

December 26

”A thankful person can find contentment anywhere.” Anonymous

Some days are certainly easier than others to find reasons to be happy. The holidays, especially Christmas, have always been a time to celebrate with friends and family. As I pass through this period, apart from any family of my own, at least any who are physically close for me to spend time with, trying to keep the spirit of the season in my heart has been an extra challenge. Although I am blessed to have friends who have opened their doors and welcomed me into their homes, part of me knows that it is a poor substitute for the family I once had. Given this is supposed to be a happy and joyous time makes it hard when a large part of me only wants to grieve and be sad. Yet I am trying to let go of what I cannot change right now, hoping and praying that my children are having a good time, trying to make the best of what I have available and to appreciate the people who love and care for me. I know God is by my side, likely carrying me in His hands today as I am not able to stand on my own for my cross is too heavy to bear. I do have a late Christmas to look forward to with at least part of my family. I have had the opportunity to focus on the true meaning of Christmas for me, the birth of Christ, while trying to avoid dwelling on what used to be. I have things to be grateful for, even if this is not the way I wanted things to turn out.

Affirmation It may be hard for me today to find reasons to put a smile on my face, but I am still here and have those who can sustain me even when I cannot be with them.

December 25

”I am not young enough to know everything.” James Barrie

Christmas for me has always been about children, about seeing their wonder and amazement, their pure innocent joy and laughter. It is my time of the year to try and recapture that purity, that openness of just being in the moment, of believing in magic, of living with hope and without limit. I am no longer young enough to know everything, to be the centre of the universe, invincible and untouchable. My innocence has been jaded by experience, by a loss of the magic that anything can happen, that good always triumphs over evil, or that every cloud has a silver lining. Not necessarily an acceptance of pessimism, but of realism. Yet I still have those fantastical beliefs in me. I have hope in the power and goodness of humanity. I trust deeply in my Higher Power and my spiritual life. I believe in miracles. I believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and all those others dreams that I have taught my own children. With God by my side, I know anything is possible. I can find a way to live through the child within me and keep those fantasies alive.

Affirmation My child within permits me to believe, love and live unconditionally, without prejudice or worry.

December 24

”It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” John Steinbeck

As I spend my first holiday season without my family I certainly can feel the loss of what I destroyed, magnified by this new separation. The potential of what could have been weighs heavy on my thoughts and on my heart. Yet I need to look honestly at where I am today. Even though I may not be with those I love, most especially my children, I know I am with them in spirit as they guard their place in my heart. In truth, my life is much better than it was, and I have the greatest gift I could ever imagine, which is being sexually sober. My sobriety never promised to fix all my problems and to make things right. It is a gift of hope for a better today and the opportunity to continue improving my situation tomorrow. So as I go through these hours and days in a bit of a melancholic funk, I can reflect upon the loss of the past, yet equally rejoice in all that I have gained and all that I still have to be grateful for. There are certainly more blessings in my life than curses and I need not look very far to discover how much better life has become. There are dark places in my life where the lights have been turned off. Yet there are multitudes of other lights that still shine and I know there are others that have yet to be turned on.

Affirmation Being present, being a gift to myself today by being in recovery, this is the best thing that I can hope to receive.

December 23

”A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.” Anonymous

A conversation with a good friend recently lent me some new insight into my addiction. My friend commented on how they consumed porn, and the use of the word “consume” is what struck me and gave me cause to reflect. It is interesting to compare my addiction in such a way, that I have a need or desire to ingest or consume material to try and satisfy my addict's appetite. The problem with this disease as it affects me, though, is that it is insatiable. I know from past experience that I will never find the perfect “meal” to satisfy my hunger. Yes I can quench it for a while, but it always wants more. My addict’s needs are not something that will ever conclude. I reflected some more and realized there is another, even more dangerous aspect. In my attempts to feed my addiction, what really happens is that it is my own self that is consumed. By becoming a slave to this destructive force, I slowly lose myself, piece by piece, as the addict takes over all the aspects of my life. This is the downward spiral that if I do nothing about, that will ultimately destroy me, swallowing me whole. I need to fight to protect myself from becoming a snake that ate itself staring from my own tail.

Affirmation I am increasingly aware of the insatiable desire that destroys all that is good and clean and pure within me. I choose today to be satisfied in recovery.

December 22

”Keep sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow – perhaps it all will.” Ecclesiastes

One aspect that has helped my recovery more than anything has been my willingness to try just about anything to get better. Not to the extent of trying anything extreme, “cultish” or that could be compared to following the latest diet fad, but truly being open to suggestions from professionals and other members about tools and tips that have helped them or others along. I have not adopted everything that I have tried, but exposing myself to a variety of recovery and spiritual avenues has enabled me to create a fairly broad range of practices that help me to cope. I look at this as not putting all of my eggs into one basket. This way if something that I try doesn’t work, or stops working, I know that I have a multitude of other healthy resources to turn to rather than being immediately faced with turning back to my old behaviours. Each method grows differently in my garden of recovery, and can sustain me in specific ways, much like I require a variety of exercises to keep my entire body in good shape. I can harvest these tools as I need to help keep my recovery in check and to prevent myself from being overwhelmed by the weeds of my addiction.

Affirmation The more and varied ways I have to cope the easier it will be for me to stay in recovery and resist my addictive behaviours.

December 21

”We are haunted by an ideal life, and it is because we have within us the beginning and the possibility of it.” Phillip Brooks

It is still challenging to admit that I have moments of weakness and temptation. I still get upset and frustrated with myself when I find that I am being pulled into my middle circle. I think, in my case, that perhaps I am haunted by an ideal recovery, knowing that I have within me the potential for a “textbook” recovery, if such a thing were to exist. The reality is that I am human and I am flawed. I have strengths and weaknesses, talents and imperfections, the potential for good and poor decisions alike. I will take steps backwards as I try to move forwards. Not everything I do will I get right the first time around. Yet there is not much harm in keeping the hope of an ideal recovery in my head. It can be a goal, one that I know I shall never achieve, but that I can strive towards nonetheless. Like wanting to be more like Christ or Buddha is good for some, I, too, can seek to live an ideal life within my imperfect vessel. The importance is to keep trying and to continue using my tools to live better, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation I need to remind myself today that I can do my best, yet that it is alright to make mistakes, to have a slip, to experience a setback. Trying to be perfect in recovery is not a requirement, but can be a goal I reach towards.

December 20

”Experience is what you get when you do not get what you want.” Anonymous

Looking back at the past year, I would have to say that I have gained a lot of experience, but gained a lot of other things as well. If I look carefully, probably the biggest reasons I would say I have gained experience are because I did not truly know what I needed, or more likely that what I wanted was not really in-line with what my Higher Power knew I needed. A year goes by so fast and the road behind me seems much longer than it did as I travelled it. I could not have predicted to be where I am today when this year started. I had many difficult challenges to face with my relationships, especially my family, as a result of my addiction. This year has been rocky to say the least, and there have been some significant endings, like that of my marriage. Yet endings often lead to beginnings, and there have been some of those as well. I do know that I am more aware and appreciative of the ebb and flow of life. I feel more an active participant, taking my place, handling my responsibilities, and focusing on things that really matter. So I guess I am mostly content with the results thus far, and will continue to put faith in the path that God has lain before me.

Affirmation My journey sometimes needs to be seen in retrospect to be truly appreciated and put into perspective. I am on the right track if I stay in recovery.

December 19

” The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” Mark Twain

There are days when I just don’t feel like being in recovery. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, give up, lie down in the road and just wait for the next disaster to steamroller over me. Let’s face it, recovery is hard work. It doesn’t happen on a whim, because I think it should, but because I choose to make it happen. Like anything in life, if I try to tackle all of my recovery at once, I will certainly feel like I am overwhelmed and not have much desire to get started. Thankfully the program is broken down into multiple steps, designed to guide me along my recovery gradually. I still need to put the work into each step to keep moving through the process. I know also that I have a network of other that I can rely on to support me and offer suggestions if I am feeling lost. My addiction didn’t surface overnight, nor will my recovery appear as fast. This is a lengthy journey I have embarked upon, and there will be moments where I want to give up. But, then again, returning to the way things used to be, the way I used to live, isn’t’ a viable option either. I will find the resolve to continue forging ahead, one step at a time.

Affirmation One pace, one foot forward, one inch at a time. Progress may come in small doses, but each on is a distancing from my old ways of living.

December 18

” It is not insult from another that causes you pain. It is the part of your mind that agrees with the insult. Agree only with the truth about you, and you are free.” Alan Cohen

As I struggle to move forward with my life, I am still too easily drawn back into the past by the words and deeds of others who have not moved forward. There are just certain buttons that can still trigger a reaction in me like I am not worthy, not deserving of love, happiness or peace. It is hard moving past the shame, guilt and regret of not having been a better person and for having mistreated people in the past. But I cannot change what has been and have to find a way to be living better for today. When I feel myself on the defense or getting riled up about something someone has said or done, I need to take a step back. This is a good opportunity for me to repeat the Serenity Prayer and reflect on what is happening and how I am reacting with my emotions. I need to find what parts of me are bothered by the situation, how I feel targeted, ignored, disrespected or whatever the case may be. This is my area of control, but also where I will find insight into why I want to run away or fight back. The trick is for me to evaluate the event and to let my initial feelings come and pass. Then, and only then, can I act without adding those reactionary, and often harsh, emotions into the mix and escalating the issue. By accepting only  the truth I can diffuse a potential scene.

Affirmation I have the right to my feelings, but they are warning signs to be heeded but not to be thrown out rashly.

December 17

” The splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not rob the little violet of its scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness.” Thérèse of Lisieux

I remember in my early days of recovery worrying about what other people in the room might think of me, but also that no one else had experienced the same bizarre, outrageous and warped fantasies that played in my own head. There was nobody who would be able to relate, who would have had similar experiences that could truly understand where I was coming from. Luckily it didn’t take long for me to realize that even though the specifics of my behaviors didn’t match exactly with anyone else, the causes and effects were the same. The loss of control, of doing things purely out of habit or when I really didn’t want to was common to all. As was the unmanageability, the multiple attempts to stop, the total removal of any acting out materials only to start anew, the hopelessness and desperation of not knowing how to get off the addiction treadmill. My recovery might be faster if all the addicts were the same as me, but more likely it wouldn’t happen at all as I would get nothing but affirmation that I was like all the others. It is the differences in all those I meet that I cherish, that give me cause to look at a number of aspects in my own life to make improvements. I am glad for the variety that is helping to shape my recovery.

Affirmation I will rejoice in the individuality I find at meetings that enhances the common goal of stopping addictive sexual behaviour.

December 16

”A dream is the bearer of a new possibility, the enlarged horizon the great hope.” Kline

It still amazes me that I have regained the ability to dream. After years of living with my head filled with the sexual fantasies on a practically non-stop basis, it is odd to have that void in my thinking. Yet it is also refreshing not to have my head revolving around only acting out thoughts 24 hours a day. I never realized how much all that preoccupation stole my energy to allow me to focus on the other aspects of my life. The fantasies while I was actively in addiction felt like possibilities, like the magical answer to fix all my problems which could wash away all my pain and sorrow. Yet as I look back now, they were nothing more than pipe dreams, false wishes that sought to give me something which could never be realized, that would never live up to all the hype and advertising. They were empty lies meant to keep me searching for that perfect sexual experience which my fantasy could never deliver. True dreams are based on concrete things, hope and truth and possibility. They are meant to enhance my life, not dominate it, to encourage imagination and creation, not stifle it. My horizon in recovery is so much larger than I could ever see along that solitary track of my addictive living.

Affirmation I will find power in my dreams to improve my life, to rebuild what has be broken, and to recreate what has been lost.

December 15

”I have always felt that the moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most beautiful of the twenty-four hours.” Monica Baldwin

An important part of my morning ritual is putting on my necklace with a cross pendant, which follows with a prayer of giving this day to my Higher Power. It is my acknowledgement of a clean slate, the anticipation of the potential that anything can and may just happen and a surrendering of my will. I can choose things to do to start my day off on the right foot, and that is certainly part of it. Other things that help are making sure that I have a good breakfast, take care of my personal hygiene, and pack a healthy lunch – basic stuff for physical self-care. My spiritual self-care needs to be there as well, so I try to read a daily meditation and reflect, even if it’s only for 5 minutes. I can find a couple minutes for prayer in the bathroom, during my commute to work, well almost anywhere. The importance is that I am taking steps to refresh my connection to my spiritual centre each and every day. Life can take turns for the good as fast as it seems to go downhill some days. I need to remain optimistic that tides will turn in my favour. Letting Go and Letting God means living for the fulfillment of His will and not my own.

Affirmation I need to take an active role in maintaining and developing my spiritual self-care, even if it’s only a little bit each day.

December 14 (50)

”In struggling against anguish one never produces serenity; the struggle against anguish only produces new forms of anguish.” Simone Weil

I have the capacity to create new tensions in my relationships by fighting for things to happen my way. Or, I can step back, take a look at what my goal truly is, and if letting someone else take the reins will achieve the same thing, then maybe I am better off to let them be in control. It means I will not have to expend extra energy to defend my view and convince the other to follow my suggestions. Instead I can surrender. This does take faith that the other person will do as promised, and my willingness to accept that they will do it in their own way and not as I would have. This is how I need to see my relationship with my Higher Power. I have to find the courage and the humility to trust in His will, in His plans for how my life is supposed to unfold. It takes the continuing belief that He truly has my best interest at heart. I may not understand the path that has been place before me until I reach the destination, but I will have faith that the route I take is all part of the lessons I am supposed to learn along the journey.

Affirmation In surrender I gain the freedom to put my energy into more positive actions. Being humble and letting others take control can be a sign of strength.

December 13 (51)

”The nearest way to glory – a shortcut, as it were – is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be.” Socrates

Being an estranged parent is one of the prices and pains I bear for my past behaviour. Attending events like school concerts, sitting alone knowing that my children, whom I still hold dear in my heart, are sitting on the other side of the room, tears me in two. I cry myself to sleep after encounters like this, lost in prayer with my Higher Power that someday, somehow, the opportunity will present itself to let my children back into my life. I guard the hopes of a different future than this present I endure, and in the meantime pray for the strength to carry on while shouldering this burden. The pain of this loss is often hard to bear, but I am grateful that I need not manage it alone. I know I can turn to others in the program, my sponsor, friends and family to help me find the courage to continue moving forward. I continue to act as if, as if I will overcome my addiction, as if I will become a better parent, as if all children will have an active part in my life. I have faith that the God of my understanding has a better future in store for me, in His own time and His own way. The pain is a reminder to keep going so I do not make those same mistakes again. I will become what I think I can be.

Affirmation My pain is my teacher and a reminder of the cost of my addiction but it will help to keep focused on being in recovery and changing my ways.

December 12 (52)

”Great souls have wills; feeble ones only have wishes.” Chinese Proverb

Trusting in my own will is not an easy thing as for too many years it has been corrupted by my addict. My heart, mind and soul have lived out of sync and are only beginning to work together in harmony. It’s no wonder that living for my addiction has caused so much damage to my soul, my spiritual connection and reservoir as I like to think of it. My self-centered acts and behaviours did nothing better than to cut me off from my Higher Power and any belief in something wonderfully greater than myself. My life was all about wishes and fantasies that were far from being based in reality. Thankfully the fabric of my soul can be repaired and the wellspring of spirituality can be replenished. It happens when I surrender, when I accept to put my life second, place my priorities behind those of the God of my understanding. It happens when I open myself in prayer, seeking guidance to following the will of my Higher Power, to be in service to others rather than being hell-bent on fulfilling my own desires. My soul does not require fame or fortune to be rich. It is satisfied when it is in harmony with the world around me, when it seeks love, compassion, joy, hope, honesty, integrity and serenity.   It need not wish for fulfillment, but rather seeks to share my gifts with others.

Affirmation I will take back power in my life by living for others, especially my Higher Power.

December 11 (53)

”Music hath charm to soothe a savage beast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.” William Congreve

Music was a problem in my early recovery. Listening to most popular music I was made painfully aware how much current music is filled with sexual reference and innuendo.  Then there is the rest of it where it is not even hidden, but about cheating on others, affairs, casual encounters, or any other number of sex-related topics. I found myself having to constantly switch stations to avoid music that triggered me. Eventually I ended up turning back to country music, something I used to listen to a great deal in my youth and early adulthood. I found solace in that music and multiple songs that spoke to me and helped to keep me in a better headspace. Eventually my tastes changed even more after a fellow member from my step study group directed me to a Christian music station. I was leery at first, but have been a regular listener since. I have not only found great messages and spiritual healing in the songs, but also in the topic shows as well as the ministry that I hear from time to time. There always seems to be a message that I hear when I need it most. As the saying goes, God works in mysterious ways and I am grateful that I am open to recognizing and receiving these messages.

Affirmation I will find my Higher Power’s guidance in many places: music, entertainment, and popular culture if I am open to exploring new things.

December 10 (54)

”If you can imagine it you can create it. If you can dream it, you can become it.” William Arthur Ward

I am a canvas, empty, waiting for the hands of a master painter to create a piece-de-resistance. The artist who can paint that portrait is my Higher Power, now that I have opened my life to His will. Through the Steps I am able to wipe clean that history of my past so that a new picture, a new creation, can take its place. I have but to ask for His help to seek out His will and guidance and to use the 12 Steps to guide me along that path. I am being reborn a little each day as I let of my old ways and behaviours, as I surrender to the power of the God of my understanding who promises to lead me to sanity. Out of the darkness, from the ashes of my fallen ways I shall spring forth anew, full of confidence, hope, faith, trust and love. The program is the foundation of this miraculous transformation from darkness into light, from despair to hope, from loathing to loving. The wonder that others have experienced and the member I encounter are the beacons that will guide me along this path this to a new and better way of living. It is a dream become reality.

Affirmation I, too, can overcome this disease, One Day at a Time, through perseverance and dedication to the tried and true Steps of SAA. I will be transformed.