December 23

”A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.” Anonymous

A conversation with a good friend recently lent me some new insight into my addiction. My friend commented on how they consumed porn, and the use of the word “consume” is what struck me and gave me cause to reflect. It is interesting to compare my addiction in such a way, that I have a need or desire to ingest or consume material to try and satisfy my addict's appetite. The problem with this disease as it affects me, though, is that it is insatiable. I know from past experience that I will never find the perfect “meal” to satisfy my hunger. Yes I can quench it for a while, but it always wants more. My addict’s needs are not something that will ever conclude. I reflected some more and realized there is another, even more dangerous aspect. In my attempts to feed my addiction, what really happens is that it is my own self that is consumed. By becoming a slave to this destructive force, I slowly lose myself, piece by piece, as the addict takes over all the aspects of my life. This is the downward spiral that if I do nothing about, that will ultimately destroy me, swallowing me whole. I need to fight to protect myself from becoming a snake that ate itself staring from my own tail.

Affirmation I am increasingly aware of the insatiable desire that destroys all that is good and clean and pure within me. I choose today to be satisfied in recovery.