May 31

”No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.” Alan Watts

My addict cares very little about anything unless it directly supports my addiction. If something I think, do or say is not directly involved with me acting out, or supporting me getting to that point, then it is of little consequence. Therefore all those non-addictive acts are at the same time hollow. Keeping up the front at work, with family and friends when all I really wanted to do was to get away and have some special “me” time was meaningless as I could not and did not want to put any of my heart, soul or passion into those things. My addict has always sapped my strength, energy and other positive parts of me to satisfy its own needs. My addiction did not want change; it wanted more of the same. It was like living in the trance of the lotus from the tale of Odysseus, stuck in a place where everything was bliss while the world went on around me. But I was completely unaware of all damage that was being caused to me in the process, let alone how I was hurting those around me. Life today is completely different. I have once again taken an active role in society and I am conscious of my impact on the lives of those around me. I have energy to put into things and to give more wholly of myself into everything I do. My life is no longer a hollow shell as it once was.

Affirmation As my life comes into balance and I am genuine with myself and others, I will play my part with more integrity.

May 30

”Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.” Jim Rohn

A course I took recently for my work brought up a couple of concepts that I am finding helpful lately in evaluating my actions. The course was focused on managing risk, and I can see a direct correlation in assisting me look at consequences. The two concepts are validation and verifications. The first is concerned about doing something right, the second is about doing the right thing. For myself in looking at things that I plan to do, bout these ideas have merit. It is as important to ensure that if I am going to act, that I will do so in a proper manner and with the appropriate intent. It is equally important for the “gut check” or verification from someone else – my sponsor, a fellow member, a therapist or other professional – to ensure that the action is a healthy choice and moves me in a positive direction. Being more aware that I can not only recognize that there are consequences, but evaluate the possible outcomes and motivations for my actions before I choose to act is certainly a more mature and wholesome way to approach life. The discipline of applying my new found skills increases my ability to make good decisions.

Affirmation I will look at my motivations and the possible consequences of my actions before I do something today. Reflection can save me from doing the wrong thing or something in the wrong way.

May 29

”No eyes that have seen beauty ever lose their sight.” Jean Toomer

I have only recently stated realize just how my much my addiction dulled my senses to the world around me, at least for the things that did not feed my fantasies. It really is sad when I look back at everything I have missed out on or the experiences that have been barely half-lived. Being sober and reconnected to the world in a new and deeper way is bringing so much more meaning to my life than my addiction ever promised. I want to continue to drink in the joys of life. I have so many more things to be grateful for, and I make sure to let my Higher Power know. I am so lucky, like others who have found the power of the 12 Steps before me, to have been given a second chance. I know now that I will truly live the rest of my life rather than simply existing from moment to moment. The program is fast becoming the basic principle of how I want to live out the rest of my days. The steps apply to my own recovery, to how I treat others, how I perform at work and pretty much every aspect of my life. I will be in recovery today, and hopefully all the todays that remain to come my way, by the grace of the God of my understanding.

Affirmation By my new found faith in my Higher Power I have seen the error of my ways. With new eyes I will discover all the beauty the world has to offer.

May 28

”Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Japanese Proverb

I have slipped and had relapses in my recovery. In those early days after I first admitted that I was a sex addict, the pull of my addictions was still strong and usually won in a contest of wills. What has made the difference is the fact that I have picked myself up out of the dirt after each fall. My persistence has paid off as I gradually accumulated longer periods of sobriety and the temptation to fall back on old behaviours began to diminish in kind. I am certain that I did not stand up of my own accord, at least fully, many of those first times. I felt accountable to my group pretty well from my first meeting. Over time I have gained accountability to my family, my Higher Power, and finally to myself. I no longer desire to be that person I had been in my addiction. I like the changes I have, and feel more and more that I am once again a whole person. I have gained strength and hope each time I have risen anew. My self-esteem and self-worth are improving as I take back my power of decision and move towards having my thoughts, actions and feelings working in harmony. Life has once again become worth living.

Affirmation If I slip or fall, the best thing I can do is pick myself up and find the courage to take that next step forward.

May 27

”Having someone who understands is a great blessing for ourselves. Being someone who understands is a great blessing for others.” Janette Oke

The most precious gift I have found in my groups, and in the SAA fellowship as a whole has been understanding. For what feels to be the first time in my life I know, without a doubt, that I am not alone. While the reasons for me having found the group are not pleasant, the fact that there are groups of like-minded individuals who seek to overcome this addiction brings me tremendous hope. I challenge myself at every meeting to remain honest, to share openly about where I am, the struggles I still face and the successes I have achieved. I give my attention to others to show my own support for their journey. I learn from everyone I hear, and can almost always share in some aspect of their story that is similar to my own. In the beginning I needed to lean on others to have the courage and strength to keep taking the next step. Today I know I seek that support even more, not only in coping with my addictive thoughts and tendencies, but with most aspects of my life. Dealing with life on life’s terms is rarely easy, yet I am fortunate to know that I need not do it alone. I am able to support others in ways that I needed as a newcomer. I am grateful to be able to give back, and as the program says, to help those who still suffer.

Affirmation Today I will seek to understand others as much as I pray to be understood. There is great strength and hope in my fellowship which can support me.

May 26

”To think bad thoughts is really the easiest thing in the world. If you leave your mind to itself it will spiral into ever increasing unhappiness. To think good thoughts, however, requires effort. This is one of the things that discipline – training – is about.” James Clavell

Affirmations are a powerful tool in recovery. My natural tendency has been to focus on all that is wrong with me – that I am not good enough or attractive enough or whatever and to constantly put myself down. This kind of thinking fueled my addiction and helped me to justify my actions. I no longer want to be that negative person and I am continuously finding reasons to believe in myself. Old habits are hard to overcome, so practicing affirmations has helped me to change the way I think about and view myself. It was awkward at first, standing in front of the mirror and telling myself things like “I am worthwhile” or “I am loved because I deserve love.” Yet with practice and persistence (and a little “fake it til you make it”),  I gradually came to believe the words and to discover the worth within me which had always been there. Life still doesn’t always go the way I want or expect. I am aware that many things are not in my control but I can let them go. Some things are just not meant to be. I know deep within that I have value, that I am lovable, and that is all I need.

Affirmation Today I will practice affirmations to strengthen my sense of value and worth. It may seem foolish but it works.

May 25

”Don’t compromise yourself, you are all you’ve got.” Janis Joplin

Some days are harder than others. There are times when I wonder how much of my effort is put into things that can no longer be salvaged. I find myself internally conflicted about how hard I am supposed to fight for the things I still love and care about. When I lead from my heart I usually feel I am doing the right thing, but if I think too much it often seems I start to doubt my own intentions. I still struggle with trying to follow the right pas while at the same time being open to the guidance of my Higher Power. As much as there is a part of me that feels I need to hold on to what is dear to me, another part believes in the “if you love it let it go; if it comes back then it is yours” philosophy. In the midst of all this I need to constantly remind myself that my recovery, my serenity and sanity, is most important. I have to focus on what is within my control, which means taking care of me by working my program and performing actions that support my outer circle. I cannot control others, and can only pray that my heart’s desires will be fulfilled if I continue to patiently work away in the background.

Affirmation As hard as it may be, I need to remain focused on myself. Improving relationships takes two and I will practice patience until both parties are willing to move forward.

May 24

”Conscience is the root of all courage; if a man would be brave let him obey his conscience.” James Freeman Clarke

In my active addiction I affectively blocked out that small inner voice of my conscience. What? Who are you? Go away! As I progress in my recovery, I have become increasingly aware that the voice is returning.  I am listening to it on a more regular basis and even following its advice. My Higher Power exists in all people; therefore there must be a presence that emanates from within me. I call at least part of the power greater than myself my conscience. Just as I need to be open to my Higher Power working through others, I have to pay attention to my own internal dialogue and “gut instinct.” I am gaining the ability to pause when something within me just doesn’t feel right and re-evaluate the situation. Courage to continue doing the right thing, to keep turning away from my middle and inner circle behaviours is something that I need to pray for regularly. Listening for the guiding voice, taking the time to meditate and reflect to listen for the answers to my prayers is useful in maintaining my openness to the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I will acknowledge my inner voice today and consider how I feel before taking actions.

May 23

”While it is well enough to leave footprints on the sands of time, it is even more important to make sure they point in a commendable direction.” James Branch Cabell

My life has taken me forwards, backwards, sideways and sometimes I have been in the mud simply spinning my wheels. Looking back there many periods where I made progress, but not in any direction that I am proud of. My addiction has led me down a number of avenues that rightly make me feel guilt and shame for the way I behaved. I no longer try and make excuses, and my path forward leads on through the amends I make. Not all of my past is tarnished; the good periods need to be remembered in equal measure to balance the scale. My future lies before me and how I tackle each new day is a testament to my progress I have made in recovery.  I can look at myself in the mirror and see a person of respect, integrity, and honesty.  Each day I become more authentic as I continue working my program and becoming a living amend for the hurt and pain I have caused myself and others in the past. The great thing about leaving footprints in the sand is that eventually they will fade away. Only the most recent are important in showing the direction my life is now headed. I can keep my head held high, focusing on a new horizon as my journey continues.

Affirmation I will continue to focus on not only moving forward, but in the right directions, by the grace of my Higher Power.

May 22

”Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy.” Jacques Maritain

I am thankful for the pain of my recovery. There are certainly at least two aspects. The first is the simple fact that I hurt is proof that I am once again connected to my heart. I am truly grateful to be in that numb, unfeeling state of my acting out. The second reason is that pain is now my teacher…pain comes mostly from situations where I need to change, to find a new way to cope with life. Pain is a way of showing me the balance of life. The past few months of my recovery have been one storm after another. Each has been emotionally challenging, and some days it feels each one has been more difficult than previous. Through separation, albeit temporary, and some other challenges in my relationships I have somehow managed to weather the assaults, keep my sanity and sobriety and have come out the other side mostly unscathed. As the saying goes, what does not kill you makes you stronger. All these tests continue to make it clearer what is most important in my life. I am grateful for have rediscovered myself and getting back on track to be the person I was meant to be. I feel more connected to the world and more present for the people in my life who matter the most.

Affirmation I can acknowledge my pain today and look for ways to help it improve the person I am rediscovering within me.

May 21

”Life is pleasant. Death peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” Isaac Asimov

Transitions are certainly difficult in my life. I think in even simpler terms, what is comfortable is pleasant, or at the least non-threatening. Change, giving up something to be or to do something else, a small “d” death, is often scary and creates anxiety, fear and other negative emotions. I like my routine. It’s safe, it grounds me, and I enjoy knowing what to expect. Routine, though, also creates a false illusion that I am in control of a great many things – which is simply not reality. So when something happens to disrupt my day, it can easily throw off my entire state of serenity. Change happens all the time but my mind has a very selective perception and tends to ignore most of the details. Monday this week is pretty much the same as last week. Yet if I took a couple minutes to think, I know I could create a list of differences, from subtle to not-so-subtle. But my mind is content to treat them as the same despite the inconsistencies. My increased awareness of myself, my motivations and my actions also means that I am more conscious about change. For me this why my journey of recovery so often feels uncomfortable…but that’s exactly how it should be.

Affirmation I will use my awareness to focus on my discomfort today. Change can happen when I am not in a routine place.

May 20

”We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.” Herman Melville

I recently watched the movie Shame. In my opinion, although it is somewhat explicit, it portrays the life of a sex addict without glamourizing it. As a recovering addict it fell like watching periods of my life as an outside observer. While I could relate to the pain, the seemingly irrational pull into acting out and the eventual downward out-of-control spiral, it also felt comforting to recognize that I am no longer in that space. I was aware of the opportunities that were missed to seek help; I know from my own past how long it took to reach a bottom that pushed me to find a different way out. Finding the SAA program and taking the risk of admitting I had a problem has been at the same time one of the most difficult and health decisions I have made. I continue to see more and more the places in my life where help was right in front of me but I was too blinded by my addiction to care. My life in recovery has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Not only do I have to face the consequences of my past, but life continues on and new challenges await me all the time. For the most part I have faced them from a place of sobriety and serenity. The rediscovery of my Higher Power and the support of my caring friends in the program continue to keep me afloat.

Affirmation Today I can be grateful that I am not in my active addiction. I will thank my Higher Power for the gift of sobriety.

May 19

”I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.” J. B. Priestly

I still believe in miracles and magic. I believe in the power of imagination, that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. My kids are a great reminder of this power; in their innocence they see the world through unblemished eyes and without prejudice. I am so grateful that as much as I teach them that there is so much I can learn in observing what they do and how they think. I am thankful that I can still appreciate the small things in life: a beautiful sunset or sunrise, birds singing on a warm spring morning, dew glistening on an intricate spider web, laughing until my stomach hurts, listening to a touching song or piece of music or reading a great book. So many small miracles and pieces of magic surround me each and every day. I feel so lucky to have gained sobriety so that I may enjoy each and every one. Each day opens before us with unlimited possibility and potential. For me, life is too short to carry forward the failures of yesterday or to add in the worries of tomorrow. The hint of the unknown lurking around the next corning is what keeps life interesting for today.

Affirmation I will rejoice today in the simple magical moments of the world around me.

May 18

”Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.” Irving Berlin

It is still hard for me to admit just how small the realm of things I can influence actually is. I still have too much of the tendency to want to control things that are beyond me. And really, when I stop to look at my life, there is more than enough to occupy my attention and energy if I stay focused on me and what I am able to do. My biggest challenge is still in letting things happen as they are meant to happen. There are often times when I can influence or force something to take place, but rarely do I get the results that I imagine. Letting circumstances follow their natural course and schedule takes a lot of patience, and a continual turning over of my will and life to my Higher Power. Many of my most prized tools in recovery, repeating the Serenity Prayer, the 12 Steps and Traditions, deep breathing, prayer and meditation – all these are ways of slowing me down. It’s important for me to incorporate these breaks into my day. It gives me the opportunity to refocus my attention and ground myself in the present. I don’t always have to be on the go, to be doing something to prove my existence. I need moments to simply be. To listen to my breathing, feel the beating of my heart, to smell the air…to simply exist in the here and now. I am me and being alive is wonderful.

Affirmation Today I take the time to simply be me, to reflect on where I am and my surroundings.

May 17

”We must always have old memories and young hopes.” Houssaye

The past is just that…all which has passed. It is no longer something that can be changed nor controlled. The best I can do is to learn from it to be better in the present and to let it go so I do not carry it with. This in no way implies that I will simply cease to remember what has happened. But it also means that I no longer need to dwell on it as it robs me of time in the present. I can certainly take time for reflection and seek to understand what has happened in my life, but my time and energy are often better sent on the here and now. In my hopes I try to remain as a child, full of dreams of the fantastic and impossible, to see all things in their splendour through eyes of innocence. Life has regained a sense of joy and wonder, of the excitement that anything can and will happen. I continue to break free of the bonds of my addiction a day at a time, even though I need to face reality and pain to do so. My faith in my Higher Power is there to help me stand tall when I would rather fall down and quit. I believe that there is a better life before me as long as I continue to struggle against the darkness.

Affirmation I will take from the past what can propel me forward; dwelling on what has been will only tie me down.

May 16

”A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.” Herbert Prochnow

I have lived in the country, in small towns and even in larger cities. For me the size of the place has had little to do with how alone or connected I have felt to the community. That power lies within me, whether I choose to be involved or if I would rather isolate and retreat to my own comfort zone. The shame and guilt from my addiction has been a great contributor to keeping me alone in my misery. I have always been disappointed that I have never had many friends, but I was the biggest obstacle. I have done little to invite others into my life. My recovery and my discovery of the SAA program has started me on a path to reconnecting with others, in making new friends – even a new family. I am learning that I do not need to hide behind my wall of shame and guilt from my past. My honest sharing gives me a new freedom to develop a new kind of intimacy with others and to rediscover a sense of community. Sharing my past and letting go of the power of my secrets gives me power to focus on the positive aspects of my being. Regaining the ability to like myself and no longer wanting or needing to isolate will help me in reintegrating myself into my community. I no longer need to be lonesome in a crowd

Affirmation I can learn to love myself and start to open myself to let others into my life. Sharing my secrets will diminish their hold on me.

May 15

” Don't wait for your 'ship to come in' and feel angry and cheated when it doesn't. Get going with something small.” Irene Kassorla

I feel…I feel good when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am frustrated or even when I am angry. I am learning to distinguish and separate my feelings from my actions. My emotions are a response to a situation – how it affects me. I can see now that my emotions do not need to be incorporated into the actions that I take. Therefore I can allow myself to feel pain, to feel rejection or to feel angry. There is a reason I feel this way, some part of my beliefs, values or morals that are being confronted. But I do not need to be angry, to return anger in my response. The feelings are my own to be felt and are not meant to be shared. This is a big step in my recovery and my emotional maturity. It is still a new insight and way of behaving and I am conscious that it will take time and patience for it to become a more regular way for me to respond to life, and certainly in situations of conflict. Like everything else I am learning in recovery, awareness of how things are is a powerful force in guiding me to change my perceptions and behaviours.

Affirmation Today I will try to not reflect my feelings in my actions towards others; my emotions are meant for me to perform a self-check before responding appropriately.

May 14

”Nothing endures but change.” Heractilus

Change is still a scary thing. Change can make me feel anxious, nervous, afraid, angry…and usually does more often than it makes me feel happy or accepting. I am a creature of habit and I know much of my natural tendency is to want to remain exactly the way I am. And this is okay. Most change I face in day-to-day situations is external to me. It is generally not anything that I can do much about, or even influence. A lesson I am learning is that experiencing change around me does not mean that it will change who I am. I need to repeat this – experiencing change does not mean that it will change who I am. The only way for me to change is to decide to change myself. I can do this by actively working on making aspects of myself different, or passively b neglecting to do things to remain true to myself. Yet fearing external changes will affect the core of who I am I only a fact if I choose let it happen. This revelation helps to relieve my fear, anxiety and worry. Certainly changes can and will affect my environment and it can be challenging. Yet I still have all my skills and resources, my internal abilities, to cop in adapting to a new situation. My core being will remain intact as long as I choose it to be that way.

Affirmation I can look at change in a new light by accepting that the only person who can change me is myself.

May 13

”Hope means to keep living amid desperation and to keep humming in the darkness.” Henri J. M. Nouwen

I believe in starting each day anew. I try my best to begin with a positive outlook in the possibility that awaits me. I truly believe in living a day at a time and in trying to focus on the hours that lay before me. I may lose sight of this as I fall into the routine of my day, but at least having started from a clean slate improves my chances of living in the moment. Dark times still confront me and give me cause to work, despair and fear. I am not immune to the “darker” side of life. But I am gaining more confidence in who I am, my resolve and faith in my Higher Power are increasing. As a result I am weathering storms of varying intensity without having to spiral back into my addiction. I am becoming capable of keeping my spirits up in those trying times, and continue to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can maintain the hope that I will find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Hope is another aspect of my life that I can strengthen through use. I know life will have both good times and bad, but I am also aware that I am capable of surviving through the hard times.

Affirmation Today I retain hope in knowing that I can make it through the struggles. I can gain strength from others who have gone before me.

May 12

”When twisted you’ll be upright; when hollowed out, you’ll be full.” Tao TêChing

I recently read an idea that gave me pause to look at myself from a new perspective. An author was describing how he was once introduced at a speaking event, but by a list of things that he was not. When I saw this it made me reflect on myself and the roles which I typically use to describe myself – child, parent, spouse and so on. I can also name off a variety of activities that I do which help to define how I see myself. Yet I think I have never considered taking the time to list the things that I am not. This also brought back memories of some drawing classes I took. One exercise was to draw some still life objects, but not by focusing on the items themselves but on the negative space, the gaps and voids that surrounded them. Another exercise had us reproduce a drawing by creating it upside down. Both exercises were eye-opening in showing me just how my own preconceptions and perceptions can keep me from seeing things realistically. Another lesson I have learned from these examples is that I need to acknowledge the things that I am good at, that I am capable of and be content, rather than wishing I can be something else. Sometimes taking stock of our qualities is a way to refocus our energies on the skills we possess rather than yearning for others.

Affirmation Today I will reflect on what I am not; those things that I do not do well. It can help me appreciate all that I have and all that I am.

May 11

”What the hearts has owned and had, it shall never lose.” Henry Ward Beecher

One of my most difficult challenges in my recovery has been trying to reconcile my relationships, especially my marriage. Realizing how much my addiction has taken away, how much damage it has caused to the love and trust that is supposed to be the foundation, has made it painfully evident how much work needs to be done to begin healing. I am more aware of how much I stand to lose, how much I have tossed aside. I am committed first to my own recovery, and somewhat of a secondary effect is the improvement in my commitment to my spouse. Working my program does not guarantee success in restoring my relationship. I have has lost many opportunities to be a responsible and caring parent. Yet I can be more present today and begin to reintegrate myself in to the lives of my children. My kids will notice my renewed interest and enthusiasm as long as I am consistent. I have stopped hiding my emotions from them and I am trying to be a more genuine person to be a better role model. I am rediscovering what love truly is, not the selfish lust and desire of my past, but the selfless giving and sharing with those I deeply care about. I am becoming comfortable with the idea that no matter what the future holds I will be alright with myself. I will still be the father that my children need. And my love for my spouse will always be a part of me.

Affirmation I can remain true to who I am and try to mend relationships but I need to keep my recovery a priority.

May 10

”Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.” Harvey Fierstein

I remember from a very young age developing the notion that I did not want to grow up like my father. I am not sure I even knew what that meant fully at the time, nor in the years that followed, but it was somehow a self-promise to be better than the standard he represented. The problem is that the more I tried to enforce this idea, the more like him I became. I have lived through periods of defiance, where I firmly believed that no one could define who I was and that the way to do things was to turn away from all those people who could guide me in finding the path that was right for me to take. The best result that I achieved through that course of action was to become even more lost than I thought possible. My recovery has taught me that being my own person is more about my surrendering to the possibility that I don’t know best rather than assuming that I do possess that knowledge. I am realizing that I don’t know the path of my future, heck I am not even holding the map. It is through others that I can be guided when I open myself to the workings of my Higher Power in those around me. Today I wish to be more like my father rather than so different, for his path of recovery can surely aid my own.

Affirmation I will be open to the definition of my path that my Higher Power offers and look for the guidance that is provided.

May 9

”I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do.” Helen Keller

I cannot be everything to everyone and still be faithful to myself and my program of recovery. There are certain roles in my life that I cannot fulfill as much as I want. This can be due to the places where I have damaged relationships or where I am simply not wanted or needed. It can be hard to face rejection…for me it is difficult. Yet being turned away does not mean that there are no other places where I am wanted and needed. When faced with rejection I need to be able to focus my energy and efforts where I know I can have an impact. The Serenity Prayer is so simple in words yet so encompassing in terms of all we encounter in daily life. I find new meaning and new places where it applies nearly every day. It is one of the greatest guiding principles that I use to stay on track during my journey of recovery. God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference – I surrender those things I cannot change, pray for the strength to change what I can (mostly myself), and ask for the guidance to know which is which. Whenever one door closes, help me find the others that, by your grace, remain open.

Affirmation I will look at rejection today as a way to refocus where my efforts are better placed. I am still worthwhile and have a lot to give.